Saturday, Feb. 27, 2010 - 1:55 a.m.

Maaaan, my sinuses acting up so bad, it woke me up out my sleep! My au naturel hairstylist's family were outside her window, "cooking" up their "food" on a handcrafted stove in their yard. My sinuses were already revolting against the unexpected drop in temperatures around here (80's to the 50's) before I even pulled up to the place. Then I go inside and they got smoke billowing all up in the shop for the 2 1/2 hours I was there.

I'm in pain now. That's all I can say.

Anywhoo...

Man, life has been CRAZY since I last wrote. CRAZY.

This committment I've made to see after my aunt is a fulltime thing. I've been going by her house everyday, fixing up/scheduling/adjusting her medicines, going to all her thousand doctor appointments (healthcare is a straight BUSINESS when it comes to the elderly and every single doctor is involved in the scheme - it's sickening), monitoring her eating, checking in via te phone, making calls on her behalf, etc...

And this whole scenario is just. getting. started.

I'm kinda let down by my family because everybody has kinda relinquished ALL and ANY responsibility as far as pitching in to take care of OUR aunt. They're all like, "Well, I have better things to do and you're doing it so it's all good." Ummmm, she's acually ALL of our responsibility, but I guess that's neither here nor there.

Anyway.

So I gave up sex for Lent. I think we're 10 days in at this point. (Sidenote: I just has to sit up b/c I was laying down and started to feel like I was leaning, about to fall... Feel a little more stable now.)

Yeah, no sex for 30 more days. It really has been much easier than I anticipated. 1) I am restricting myself from thinking about sex - that's daydreaming, recaling memories, lusting after nigras - all that. Fighting these thoughts has been the hardest part of the whole process but it definitely keeps the physical cravings in check so it's working. 2) I alerted DBanks so he wouldn't keep calling, asking for it and tempting me because the debbil sure sent him ringing my phone the 1st Friday of. Hmph. 3) I dropped TheBouncer off to the airport last Saturday so he's on the other side of the US. No temptation there.

4) My friend Vita and I went out for drinks the other night and ended up having a terrible experience with some sheister "brothers" who tried to steal money from us and didn't even pay our tab, which they offerred to do. She and I had come in and sat at the bar and the dudes immediately sent the waitress over to call us to their table to hang out. We resisted so 1 of them came over to get us. We sat there and they kept ordering us drinks. Separated bills come (which they had set up, come to find out). They just sit there, we put our money down, they put up a show about "letting" them pay but keep some of our $ for the "tip".

We're leaving & the waiter comes outside to get us. Guess what? Them niggas ain't pay the damn bill. So now it looks like me and Vita tried to stiff on OUR bill. I do not get down like that. Ever. So I go inside, card in hand, to pay me and Vita's bill. Them niggas in there singing sad songs and tryin to make up excuses for keeping part of our money but not paying a red cent of our bill. Best believe, we got our money back from their asses, paid our bill, tipped our waiter and tried to be out.

The one who tried to flirt with me me the whole night gon' reach out and put his filthy hand on my wrist, tryna hold me there to "explain". As short as I am, I looked that 6'6" nigga dead in the eye and told him he had 2 good seconds to take his hand off my skin. LMAOOOO! I can laugh about my threat now but in the moment I was dead-ass. His hand flew off in less than a second. i could've mangled him, I was so disgusted by that experience!!

What killed it was that the whole night, we're sitting there and he's trying to explain to me and Vita why our independence keeps us single. Oh, really. So that's how you show women that they don't need to be able to handle shit on their own? Great job of living that of which you speak. And what made it worse is that he was sitting there "preaching" the whole night. Even had the nerve to say he hope the Lord call him to preach!!! Chyle... THE CRAZIES! Had me sitting up there, feeling straight guilty about not being the kind of female who's willing to put up with ridiculousness in the name of building a solid foundation just to turn around and be the lowest of the low of the male species?? Get outta here with that!

It's so ironic because I was sitting there at one point in the night telling his brother not to judge God based in the actions of man. If I didn't have a personal relationship with God, I definitely would have walked away from that table with a million questions! But thank God that he and I know each other the way we do and that he has blessed me to understand the shortcomings of man.

*smh* Boy, I tell ya! And what made the whole thing EVEN more worse was that at that same bar, on our way to those niggas' "table", we randomly came across the now ex-wife of a dude we went to college with. She sat and gave us their whole sad story of how they eventually separated and are now divorcing...

*SMH*

I tell you, I am not a love-hater. I promise, I'm not. Like everybody, I have the dream that love will find me. But after the things I've seen, heard and experienced first-hand?

Yooooooo, I'm good.

I just can't, ya know? I just can't deal with all the foolishness leading up to love. I just can't.

So I've decided that for the remainder of 2010, I'ma just do me! Keep these legs CLOSED, keep this heart GUARDED, NOT get into any "situations" with anybody. Just wake up, live my life, take care of my aunt, handle my responsibilities and do the Notorious K.I.M. - KEEP IT MOVING. I don't care that I'll be missing out. Everybody don't need to experience everything. I'm straight.

I've seen enough in the past 6 months to keep me sane about my decision for the next six years. On the real. I'm. good!

In my heart, I wish things could be different but for the sake of my peace and my sanity, this is just the way it's got to be.

So yeah, that's my update for now. I need to write more but by the end of my days, I'm just...beat.

the last - the next