"Call me. Satisfaction's guaranteed."
Wednesday, Dec. 30, 2009 - 4:45 p.m.
Well, 2009 is coming to a close. �Wow. �This year really did fly by. �It seems like so much happened that I could barely keep up with it. �Gosh!
But it was a great year. �A fantastic year, just about. �I really loved life in 2009.
The only thing that didn't click for me, well two things actually: 1) I didn't lose the weight. �I've gotta make that happen in 2010. �GOT TO. �Don't have a choice. �My health is on the line now. �Gotta do it. �GOT TO. �2) I didn't address the lack of or cut off my "friendship" with D. �I'm finally accepting that it is MY responsibility to eliminate the toxic people from my life. �And she is one. �It sucks because I know it's not something that she's doing maliciously but nevertheless, in her self-serving way, she is using me up. �And I'm tired.
The other night, the girl calls me. �I'm in and out of sleep because everybody and their mother is calling me on the phone but I answer because I feel bad when I do ignore her calls - which is often, as of late. �So I answer with all the groginess in the world in my voice:
Me: "Hello"
D: "Hey. �You sound like you're sleeping."
Me: "Yeah, I was."
D: "Well, girl I just had to call and tell you about" (random drama from a night out with her sister)
Me: "Oh, okay. �I mean, I was sleep but..."
D: "Oh alright. �So let me tell you..." (and proceeds to go on and on about some nonsense I don't gibbadamb about)
Honestly, I can't be mad at her about stuff like that because instead of
a) not answering,
b) answering and telling her I'm not up to hearing about it or
c) making her aware of how she just disregarded what I was doing (sleeping) to burn my ear down with her evergoing drama, I just let her continue to talk.
I have a plan that I wanted to execute before 2010 rang in but of course, she had an emergency full of drama, so I felt bad about bringing it up and essentially kicking her when she's down. �But early in January, I will sit down with her to discuss our "friendship". �Yes, she's toxic to me but in turn, I have become toxic to her. �I find myself being extra-critical of her at times and digging until I find out what she did to draw a problem situation unto herself. �Most of the time, that's the case and I do it to try to help her accept responsibility for her role in the way things are in her life so that she can change her behavior. �But I realize that it's not my place to do that. �She needs to do that on her own and have a desire to be a better person. �I can't make her do that - she has to want it for herself.
Anyway, the long and short of it is that I will not tolerate toxicity in my life in 2010. �I want to live a happy, fulfilled life and will work hard to make sure that is what I receive and do.
So I'm missing DBanks. �I wasn't at first, but I ain't gon' lie. �I would love to see him again. �I feel like I'm torturing myself by not dealing with him. �It's crazy. �The situation was just. so. good. �But I wanted more. �Needed more. �I don't think it was that he didn't want to give more, but that he didn't know how. �In a way, I feel sorry for him if that's the case. �On the other hand, I just couldn't bring myself to have pity on a grown man.
Speaking of grown men, I went to visit TheBouncer last night. �He moved back to Miami within the past year. �He caught me on that DOGGON F'BOOK!!!! �I tell you about that place!!! �LOL �So yeah, we've been in communication and he even called me since earlier this year. �He kept asking to see me so I went over there.
He �has 2 of his 4 children living with him. �It was my very first time meeting his kids. �That's how I know I'm finally becoming an adult. �LOL �I didn't mind meeting his kids. �When we dealt with each other back for those 3 years, I didn't want anything to do with his kids. �Moreso because I didn't want to get attached to them and then have us not work out. �I don't think kids should meet every person their parents date for that reason. �That's just me. �But now, I'm just "Ms. A****", his friend, so it was all good.
I really hope he doesn't think this is going to restart us from where we left off. �He's STILL so unstable and I just can't deal with that. �I just can't. �I can just see us being together, me getting pregnant and him trying to drag me into that lifestyle. �I'm not with it. �I'm just not. �So I don't mind being friends with him and us hanging out and being cool but we will not be going back to where we were. �No ma'am.
I was thinking about it last night on my way home from seeing him: I come across some of the nicest dudes and still have a friendly relationship with them after all is said and done for the most part. �And I know part of that friendliness is that something is still there, but I won't go back to where I came from. �It's like that with Jerramy, it's like that with TheBouncer and it's more than likely going to be like that with DBanks.
*sigh*
But NONE of them has been what I NEED. �They have SOME of what I WANT but they just aren't, can't be, don't want to be what I NEED. �ARGHARGHARGHARGHARGHHHHH!!!!
So back to contemplating that Big C for 2010. �I really really REALLY need to use this year to get myself in order mentally and physically. �I don't want to hit 30 and still be a crazy mess. �I always say I'ma take advantage of some time to do and get to know me but I always involve myself in something else that consumes my time or energy - work, school, family, etc. �I think in 2010, I'ma finally sit down and get me together. �That's what I'ma do. �No outside distractions, no men up in my bed - just me, myself and I....or a pet, if I end up getting one.
2010.
2010.