"Gotta move on. Gotta be strong."
Tuesday, Sept. 18, 2007 - 8:06 p.m.
My head, right now, is acting the plum fool. I swear, if I could get in there and tell my head to calm the f down, I would. It feels like somebody is laying down on the front of my brain, right underneath my forehead, and doing laps in the pool. This is torture.
So I had my first quiz in my finance class yesterday... Bad, bad, bad. The way the question was asked through me all off course and I answered it WRONG. I studied but not correctly. Hopefully I can take these lessons with me and do better on the next one. No, not hopefully. I have to. That's all there is to it.
My other course... I just haven't gotten off the ground with that one. It's an online module and I just haven't made the time to log on and work on it. I found out that it's supposed to be due next Saturday. Between now and next Saturday, I don't even have time to breathe, much less be stuck on a computer. But I have to fit it in. 5 weeks' worth of work... Lawd, help me!
I just had the top worst day out of the three worst days I have ever had at this job, of which the the second worst day was last Thursday.
Since August, I have been through the ringer, and I think I know why:
'Cause I walked away from God.
I haven't turned my back on him. I don't denounce him. But I'm not close to him like I used to be. And I don't let him know how much I love him like I used to. And I don't turn to him for comfort when I should - I turn to every vice I can think of: food, liquor, sex, procrastination, gossip, envy...
Everything BUT his hand, his open arms, his warm embrace, his peace, his understanding, his grace, his mercy...
When I'm hurting or I just need comfort, I go to EVERYTHING ELSE but I don't come to him.
And I know he doesn't appreciate that. I know that's not what he wants for me. Sometimes, I even think to him, "I know this is not what I'm supposed to do but I don't feel like coming to you with this, so I'm going to take it to one of my vices and let them give me some temporary relief."
And what happens? I get some satisfaction for a few minutes but not long after I'm done getting that temporary fix, I'm back to going over and wallowing in my issue with a big ol' vengeance.
I tell ya, when I was walking hand in hand with the Lord, just about nothing could go wrong. I had on my rose-colored glasses and I was marching in the sunlight. Now, I swear, if EVERYTHING ain't going wrong... Boy lemme tell ya.
I've been battling with some "thoughts" today. I mean BATTLING. When I thought I might be approaching the point at which I would think about losing that battle, I put me on some Mary Mary. Everything ain't peachy keen all of a sudden, but I sho'll feel a tiny bit better.
Like my girls said, "No one said it would be easy." Nobody said everything you want will fall into your lap and everything you need will magically appear whenever you need it. But I don't believe that life has to be this hard. I strongly believe that God wants his children to be happy and will make every effort to ensure that happens. But I think he has a stipulation on that. I think...no, I know, that what he wants is for me to come back to him and get what he has for me.
But it's so easy being bad and so much fun, right?!
Hmmmmm. I'm starting to feel like that's definitely the WRONG answer in my life.
Anyway, I'm leaving this place which was my personal hell for the day. Finally. I'll just go home, get some rest, wake up and put on my happy face. I'll let Selena John.son help me figure out how to "Stand Up" as I drive to work. Hopefully I wake up early so I can get to the office early and help my boss finish making sure my reports are right this time. LOL but it ain't funny.
Oh well.