2007-02-01 - 2:12 a.m.

Well, I spoke to one of my bosses tonight about me taking a break...

It was so dramatic too. LOL! But I had to do it. I heard my mother's voice in my head and I saw Ah-lay sittin' in front of me, damn-near flailing his arms and pumping his fists for me to say something.

I let her get outside and to her car then I ran up on her. It just all spilled out just like I knew it would. I said I would be around to help administratively every once in a while but, for the most part, I would have to take a break during the run of this show (hey, it's a step!).

I could tell she was upset but I did what I had to do.

FINALLY.

I feel like a small burden has been lifted from my shoulders. I don't have that instant energy to get up and start running in the mornings like I thought I would. I guess that's due to the fact that I've been going to sleep at like 2 and 3am every night this week and getting up before 7am. So yeah, I'm TIRED.

Forget TIRED. I'm exhausted.

So yeah, I was chatting with Tito online tonight... We've gotten into this whole "bite me" schtick. It's stupid but it's funny at the same time. He started saying, "Bite me" a couple months ago. With no better comeback to think of, I started saying, to his utter shock and amazement, "When and where?". I can be just as crass as the next, k?

So one day last week, in reply to my reply, he says, "You're a punk 'cause you were here and you had a perfect opportunity but you didn't do anything."

I guess he doesn't realize how far away from me he was actually sitting the whole time I was at his house. LOL!

I just don't feel like being aggressive with making that VERY FIRST move. After a nigga make a move on me, he better watch out 'cause I'm TAKING what I want whenever I want it and however I want it. But that very first move? I just can't do it. I'm sure it has to do with that whole "fear of rejection" bit but mostly, it's too non-traditional for me. I'm a very traditional girl so the thought of me stepping out of my old-time "role" of a woman ain't too appealing. If I gotta go through all that to get the ball rolling then, guess what?

That ball ain't goin' NOWHERE.

So yeah, he started to sign off today and decided he wanted to pull that "Bite me" right before he was ready to go. What he was not expecting was for me to tell him "Fine, we can do that on Monday after 'Heroes'."

The reply to that? "*System message saying Tito has logged off*".

Mmmmhmmm. Tryna act all big and bad. I caught his ass and he ain't know how to take it.

I can only play for so long before I start to get that ADD, ya know? I'm just not a game playing person - not when I don't really know the playing field. If it's somebody I'm used to dealing with and I can deal with and spot all their little idiosyncracies, that's one thing. But somebody I just can't fully figure out? I can't spend too much time playing around with them.

So, guess what Tito? Come Monday, if all this confusion still exists, I'm just gon' cut all my lil' (and I do mean LIL') losses and keep it steppin'. Not that I've lost anything so far. I really haven't. Just some mental time and energy. And not even that much. But I'm just not gonna play with him anymore, which I am very sure he won't appreciate.

Tito has to learn how to communicate what it is that he wants...that's even if he wants it...which I don't doubt for a second that he does, but he's probably scared just by knowing the little bit he thinks he does about me. Ha!

Look here, I already made one stride in the '07 by telling these theatre people what I wanted them to hear. It's time for me to make me some other strides too.

For one, to completely erase the idea of hooking up with anybody this year. Periot.

* I guess this was also brought on by A-peezy (the fine dude from the theatre...I wrote about him before but I'on 'memba what I called him...he's the one with the 12yo daughter) coming back to Mia.mi and running over here into this office to see me tonight. I need get this memo out STAT that niggas NEED NOT TOUCH ME! Do not place a finger on anything attached in any way to my being. Not a piece of my clothing, and definitely, absolutely not my skin or my hair. That fool marched right up to me and rubbed my muthafriggin' hair! He MUST be crazy! *

Yeah, I need to eradicate all salacious thoughts and imaginings. No more daydreaming, no more memories right before bed - no nunna that. I must put a stop to it. This madness must cease. I'm not even gonna claim celibacy this year. I'm just gonna say I don't feel like having no secks in the '07. With nobody.

No, not even David. That's right, I said it! LOL!

LOL!!!!

I just don't feel up to it with my current physical state. I'm tired, I'm big, I'm not where I want to be physically. I've never had a sex-life as a big girl, so I don't know how to throw it back and all that with this weight on me. I just don't feel comfortable with it.

That's the reason I'm getting phone calls and text messages asking where I've been and when I'ma be seen, 'cause I just don't even want to see these niggas until I feel comfortable physically to see them. EVen though most of 'em, they ain't never get a real taste, so they goin' off of their imaginations. But still. If I'm opening these legs to somebody, I want to feel comfortable in the way they look and move. I'm not trying to be somewhere, supposed to be in the throes of passion, but I'm obsessing over the way my stomach is hanging or some other physical issue. Which I know, as long as you are comfortable with yourself, the other person ain't gon' be worried about the way you look by the time they get their clothes off. But still. I wanna be comfortable. Period. I wanna be carefree while I'm gettin' the get-down.

And right now, with me at this size, it just don't seem like that's the way it's gonna be.

So I'm just gon' take some time and do me in the '07. I'll get back to gettin' that D next year. I'm sure I won't die from depravation until then.

And no, I still cannot think of Tito like that. Even after all this here talk. My face is even frowning up at the idea. LOL!!!!

So yeah, as of right now, February 1st, I am on a dick diet.

Let the hunger pangs begin. LMAO!!!

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