2007-01-29 - 5:14 p.m.

Wow, I was really crashing and burning this morning.

Last week, I woke up one of those days and was like, "F it. I don't wanna get up yet."

So I called into work and told them I had a personal matter I needed to tend to and that I would be in late because of it. I showed up at like 12:30pm. Yes, I'm supposed to be at work at 8:00am.

So this morning, I woke up and felt the same way. I didn't want to come in at all but I figured I'd feel better and more up to it if I just got a little more rest. So I called and said I was having a problem with my car and that I would be in after taking it to the mechanic.

Which, it is true, I did have a problem with my car...on Saturday afternoon.

I was riding with my windows down and my passenger window just all of a sudden went straight up. Then I started to smell that electrical fire type smell but I couldn't figure out where it was coming from. Then I looked down at my window control panel right by my left knee and saw the smoke tendrils climbing up into the air. I almost panicked but I didn't 'cause I was talking to my cuz on the phone and, even though she started stuttering real bad, she helped to calm me down. LOL!

I pulled over into the nearest gas station and popped the panel off the door (I can be McGuyver when I wanna be). I didn't see a full-out fire so I calmed down completely. That was my main concern. I just didn't wanna be trapped in a burning car. I drove to my cuz's mother's house to wait for my cuz and her husband. I had to wait all day for him to look at the car but it was all good 'cause I got to sit back and relax with that side of my fam all day, including my goddaughter.

After he looked at it and verified that the motor was kaput for that window but that it was safe for me to drive the car, I was outta there.

But yeah, back to this morning. I just did not feel like coming to work. I think I need to put in for a day off or something. I need some "me time", like Heath.er Headl.ey say. LOL! For real though, I really do.

I am just under too much pressure from every source. And it's not their fault as I've been trying to make myself believe. It's my fault. I'm to blame for the amount of pressure that I am under. Why? Because I accept it. I let people put this pressure on me. Then I start to buckle from it all.

My mom said that I eat so much to let my body stretch out since I can't stretch my mental self out enough to be everything for everybody the way I want to be. And that's the truth.

I just don't have enough of me to go around. But at the end of the day, do people really care about me to the point where they will let me walk away and get myself together? Probably not.

But that's what I gotta do. I don't have a choice anymore. I can't afford to lose my job that pays all of my bills. Just can't afford to do that. So other things are gonna have to go to make way for me. I keep saying it, keep saying it, keep saying it and I never do it.

I gotta start doing what I say I'ma do.

In other news, I went to a strip club Friday night. Diam.onds. For the same reason I went to The Mynt - to find out what these niggas are spending their money on. And also to celebrate Natalie's birthday.

It was much more interesting and established than The Mynt. The girls actually looked like strippers. I mean, what are the odds? LOL!

There was only 1 girl in the whole place that made even me want to give her some money. No wonder she has to be one of the top 3 girls up in there. Even I have high standards when it comes to women. LOL!!!

For real though, homegirl had skills. I wanted to get her number just to ask her to train me. Her abs were on point and she was very agile. Kinda made me think she must have been a gymnast in a past life or something. She spent about half of her time on her head, dancing with her legs in the air.

I would be kinda miffed at my husband if he was spending money on her, only because she was my only real competition up in there. Other than that, I wasn't intimidated by those females. They were nothing special. Not that I'm trying to put them down to make myself feel better, just that that's the way I really felt. Nobody in there was extraordinary in any way.

So my conclusion is that men go to strip clubs to spend their money on a fantasy. It's like they know they ain't gon' get a straight freak at home (in a lot of cases, I guess), so they pay these girls for the illusion of having a freak at their disposal. That's all I can come up with anyway.

And also, wouldn't you know, I ran into a guy I knew up in there. Two, actually.

The first one, I went to college with but I never really spoke to him. He came out the curtain to leave and saw me standing there. His eyes just lit up and he reached out for a big hug. LOL!! I was like "Hey...." LOL!!!

It was just kinda strange because I always thought he was kinda cute but I just never had the urge to say anything about it to him, mainly because I didn't know him like that and we never really spoke. But since he came out with the hug, I had to let him know. I mean, it has been a couple of years. We're grown. Whatever, right? Riiiight. LOL!!!

So he goes back inside after that HUG and I end up walking in a minute later. He's standing on the sidelines, talking on the cellphone (yes, up in the club). He smiles as I pass and I tell him, "You know, I always that you were so cute, I just never had the heart to tell you." He got the biggest smile on his face and told the person he was talking to "hold on!". LOL!!! He looked at me and was like, "Damn, why u ain't never say nothin?!" I just smiled and walked away.

Too cute. Mmm, mmm, mmm! LOL!

And then I turn around and D is tellin' me that one of my homeboys from school is up in the club. Mind you, I only know this fool from singing in the choir together and we go to the same church. LOL!!! So I saw him on my way to the bar and I just smiled at him. He was embarrassed, to say the least. So I got my drink and came back to where we were all situated. I gave him a hug and said, "Hey, I'm in here too." That made him real comfortable and he proceeded to be my question-answerer for the rest of the night. LOL!!!! Every question I asked, he answered honestly. And I loved that 'cause it really helped me with my social experiment.

All in all, it was a fun experience. I learned some moves that I would like to try. There was a girl who was getting dances next to us who, if I see her in the street, I gotta make sure to get her number so she can hang out with my crew 'cause she was a lot of fun and her wheelchair-bound husband was a very nice guy... :)

How 'bout I had a total of 7 drinks and 4 shots that whole night...and I only bought 2 drinks? Yep, only 2 of those drinks did I pay for for myself. Crazy, right? How 'bout D and I had our own personal bartender - who could not make a drink to save her life but insisted on giving us free drinks? And then the manager of the club gave our whole crew free shots? And this was not even at the strip club. LOL! How 'bout D and I personally partied from 8pm to 4am that night? Crazy, right?

I really need to stay out the club. LOL!!!

But it was all good.

Saturday was real chill for me. What with the above car malfunction, I really didn't do too much on Saturday. That night, Miss E called and invited me over to watch some movies and have pizza with a couple of friends. We watched Grid.ir.on Ga.ng. It was a good movie. I enjoyed it. Found myself getting real caught up in the story.

So of course, Tito was there. And when he was going to leave he grabbed me up in a HUG (I love me some HUGs!) and wouldn't let go. Then he leaned back, looked at me, and leaned in to kiss me...on the forehead! LOL!!!!! LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That was unexpected, to say the least. And nobody else got a forehead kiss so yes, I can say with full confidence that I am special. :) That was a nice fitting end to my clean and wholesome Saturday. :) LOL!

I just can't pursue a Tito situation. It just doesn't make sense. It goes against my level of hightened sexuality. Sorry, no can do. I'm not ready for a squeaky-clean situation. Not ready for it at all. And he ain't ready for a freaky situation. So we just would not work. Periot.

And I know that if I had someone else occupying my thoughts, I wouldn't even entertain anything with Tito. But because I'm bored and niggas is scarce these days, I'm letting myself get caught up in some imaginations. And that don't make no damn sense. So I'm over it.

I'm out.

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