2006-12-06 - 4:03 p.m.

When TheBouncer came back to town, during our "session" at the "mo", the condom was removed.

It didn't break. It didn't slip off in the act. He took it off.

And I let him.

And I was okay with it.

And I wasn't bothered by it.

At first.

A couple days later, I kept asking myself, "Why would you do that? Why would you let that happen?"

But I know why I did it. I wanted to. There was no question in my mind at the time. My only concern at that point was getting pregnant, which I knew, most likely, would not happen.

The more I thought about it though, the more I kept telling myself that I had to speak to him and do my part in asking him to be COMPLETELY honest in telling me if he's slept with anyone while he's been away.

Right before he came down, we had that conversation, but there was no pressure for him to tell me the truth as I inquired haphazardly 'cause I didn't think we'd hook up when he came down.

So I called him up the other night and told him that I had a serious question to ask him and I wanted him to be honest with me, no matter how he thought I would feel about what he would tell me.

I asked him if he has had any sexual activity with anybody while he's been away.

He told me no.

Why did I ask him? Not because I care about him or anything like that. I'm just concerned about disease. More specifically, HIV.

I have to believe what he told me, even though it makes me nervous as hell.

So guess where I'll be in the near future once I get up the nerve?

That's right. Right on over to take my HIV test.

I haven't taken it since the beginning of this year.

Even though I feel like I had a good handle on what TheBouncer was doing when he wasn't with me and where he was, it only takes a good 5 minutes to have sex with somebody else. I put myself out there by having unprotected sex with him period, but especially for as long as I was.

I used a lot of things as an excuse - he gets regular testing, he wouldn't put himself in a position to get sick with all his kids depending on him, he was so wrapped up in me he couldn't and didn't want to see anybody else, etc.

But like I said, it only takes 5 minutes. One little bitty old decision.

So yeah, I'll be taking me a test again sometime in the very near future. I'm off on the 18th. Maybe I'll go and take it then. Where I went didn't require an appointment.

I just hope I don't find myself as nervous this time.

I've reconciled to accept whatever my results are. I was talking with Miss E about it and I came to the realization that no matter what, whatever happens to me is a result of decisions that I have consciously made. Nobody made me do anything.

So with that knowledge, I'm okay with getting tested.

I'll just pray about it. That's all I can do at this point.

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