"and it's gon' be alright..."
2006-09-21 - 11:07 a.m.
I always come to some for real realizations when I sit and talk with my mother.
I came to understand the "fear" I possess which causes me to procrastinate in doing things I really want to do for myself.
I "fear" success.
I have things that I want and ways that I want to be, but I always talk myself out of those things. I procrastinate or just totally think myself away from these things because I am so afraid to see the good outcome.
I also realized that part of that "fear" comes from me feeling guilty about not being everything to everybody. I want to be all that everybody needs me to be all the time and, because I can't do that, I feel guilty. Which is a shame. 'Cause in reality, I can't be everything that everybody wants or needs me to be all the time. I just can't. Nobody can.
But I feel like that is a responsibility I have and, until I completely and utterly fulfill that responsibility, I am not deserving of personal happiness or success.
And that's just crazy.
I do think about seeing a therapist sometimes but I don't think it would help. Why? Because I am my own therapist. I am BRUTALLY honest with myself when I talk to myself (and yes, I do talk to myself. I also wear my sunglasses at night but that's neither here nor there.) and admit a lot of things to myself, hence my above-mentioned realizations. So I don't feel like payin' nobody to help me do what I can do on my own.
I know my reasons for overeating. I know my reasons for not going back to school. I know my reasons for killing myself to make sure other people are happy. I know my reasons for putting up with D's foolishness and allowing the theatre people to abuse my help. I know the reasons. I'm a know-it-all...
Who can't say no.
Which has to change, starting ASAP - like NOW!
So tonight, I plan on putting in my notice at the theatre and also to speak with TheBouncer, letting him know that I'm ready to move on from this foolishness he's trying to hold onto.
From there on out, I'll be making steps to improve everything else.
In other news, after a depressing attempt last night, I finally did book my plane ticket to Houston this morning. It all worked out for the best. So I'm happy right now. I'm not totally elated, just because it's all still a reminder of me second-guessing something I really wanted to do. Nevertheless, I am excited about the whole thing and I look forward to totally enjoying myself.
It's gonna be one for the books.