2006-09-18 - 12:02 p.m.

2003-09-12 - 2:18 p.m.

"Didn't I tell you

What I believe

Did somebody say a

A love like ours won't last?

Didn't I give you

All that I've got to

Give baby?

This is no ordinary love

No ordinary love"

I've come to a decision. I'm LMAO because it's the same decision I make every-other day. But today, it just really feels like a definite decision. One that I fully intend to stick to. One that feels right at this point in my life.

I've decided not to think about love anymore. I just don't want to do it. I've continuously said that I'm tired of thinking about the idea of loving someone. I'm no longer tired of thinking about it.

Tired just doesn't fully encompass the exhaustion my mind feels right now after focusing on love for so long. I'm 22 and I've been thinking about "love" since I was 6 (no, I didn't have a clue of what it was then. Regardless, I was still thinking about it). I'm over it now.

I'm not bitter from a past relationship. This is not coming as a result of a love gone bad or anything like that. No baggage here.

And no, I'm not saying I give up on love. I know it's coming one day. But I'm a patient person (sometimes). I've realized that it's not coming today or tomorrow. Most likely, it's not coming next week or next month. I don't like thinking into the next year so that's out. No need thinking about something that I can't force to happen right now.

It just doesn't excite me anymore. The idea of love just doesn't move me anymore because I just really feel like it's not meant to come to me anytime in the NEAREST future. So, I won't be thinking about it. Can't waste time on thoughts that cannot create an outcome.

I'm going to dedicate that energy to improving myself. I was on a good roll with exercising and eating right in the middle of the summer. For some reason, the love thoughts had overtaken my mind the past few weeks and I really couldn't bring myself to think about me and my well-being. So, I will be putting those thoughts to rest and refocusing on me.

"Didn't I give you

All that I've got to

Give baby?"

I'm not ready to give all that I've got to give baby. I'm not ready to surrender myself anymore. I thought I was but I realize that right now, I'm really not.

I'm very anxious to get back into school so that I have that to consume me. I like to be consumed (get ya mind out that damn gutta! what I told u 'bout that?!). Having nothing to do is what was causing the love thoughts to hover in my headspace...

Well, whatever. I've made my decision and that is that. I'm a strong girl, I can hang. So I will. And I will not allow it to bother me. My faith is way-strong and patiently waiting for my blessing is not something that is new to me. I'll just be here, hanging out, relaxing, holding on, believing...

Only thing is, I wonder what the hell I'll be posting about from now on since all that stuff made-up a large part of my daily thoughts? Hmmm... Maybe I'll get some kinda real design up instead of focusing on writing. We'll see. I'm so lazy when it comes to that! Especially knowing that I'll be working off of a dial-up. But like I said, we'll see.

Sidenote: I am a confusing person. It's difficult for me to fully express my thoughts in the form of words. So, I can see where somebody out there would be confused as to what I'm saying today, being that just yesterday I was saying I was the happiest I've ever been in my life. I still am. I'm more happy than I was yesterday, as a matter of fact, because this decision I've made has opened up space in my mind for more happiness to reside. That's just the way my mind functions.

It's the only way my heart can continue to work...

LOL @ this!!!! Here it is, 2 years later, and I just told myself I want to start thinking this very same way again. I swear, my life is a big ol' circle!

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