2006-08-09 - 3:44 p.m.

I'm disappointed right now. Periot.

Me, Crys and Tae were supposed to go to Atlanta. Air.Tr.an posted a 2-day sale for flights at $69 each way. I got so hype about it. At the last minute (last night), Crys states that she doesn't want to go anymore. She has some bad memories there and doesn't want to take the chance in facing any of them by going anytime soon. Which I fully understand.

But why not bring that up when we first started talking about going there? See, I'm trying to get all my travelling out right about now so that by the time I'm moved and settled next year, I ain't got to worry about not being able to go 'cause I would have already gone by then.

But no. Once again, my travel plans are being pushed to the back burner on behalf of other folks.

I'm seriously contemplating going up there by myself. For real. I can't see a reason why not. Granted, I only know a handful of folk up there and none quite to the point where I would feel comfortable staying with them for 5 days and 4 nights. So it would really be a solo trip (like Jam.ie Fo.xx said, "A so-so-solo tour. LOL).

But really, I don't mind travelling by myself. I don't have an agenda when I go somewhere. I just chill out, go where the hell I want to go, do what the hell I want to do, sleep, write, usually I pray... I do enjoy sharing the experience with somebody but really, it ain't that serious to have a travelling buddy with me sometimes.

I already don' put out the APB that I will be going to the Caribbean for my birthday, even if I gotta leave everybody and they momma behind. When I'm ready to go, I'ma book that trip. Whoever don't get their trip booked on time or at all, well, Sayon.ara to ya'll ass too! LOL.

..........

It just couldn't be a regular day.

..........

So now, my godson's mother has called to tell me "the situation". Really, that's what she said. Basically, she got a job that ends at 6pm. She wants to put MyBaby in a daycare that closes at 5:30pm. She wants me to pick him up, everyday, and wait for her to get off work.

Look here honey, I ain't have no baby. I mean, he MyBaby and I luh him, but I don't have a child and should therefore not be expected to bear the responsibilities that come along with being a mother to a child. It's fun to play here and there but committing myself to an every single day of the week "situation" is out of the question.

And the girl just about wouldn't get off the phone with me, while I am at work in good earshot of just 'bout all my coworkers, until I gave her the answer she wanted to hear. But I couldn't. I can't bear that responsbility.

First of all, there is no structure to my life outside of work. When I get off from my job, I usually don't know what I'm gettin' ready to do until I'm in the midst of it. Secondly, between my regular job and the theatre, half the time, I don't even know that I'm getting off at 5pm everyday. I left work at 7pm last night. There have been times where I've left even later than that. On the other hand, with the theatre, they always need something. Even though I'm planning on letting them go, as of 10:30pm last night when they called with an "emergency", they are expecting me to be there today no later than 6pm, 5:30pm if I can pull it.

Thirdly, even though this should be first, I always have things I want to do that, by whatever miracle, I am able to do. After a long day at work, I sometimes want to get in my car and head straight to the nail shop. I sometimes want to go straight home and do laundry. I sometimes want to go straight home and sleep. I sometimes want to rush home so I can get dressed to head out somewhere. Now, RARELY am I able to do these things, but that's not the point.

The point is, if I agree to this situation, I am saying to myself, "Self, you are basically not getting off of work, letting go of responsibility, until after 6:15pm. Every day of the week. Self, you are opening yourself up to situations which can become extremely stressful for you. Self, you are giving up yet another portion of your freedom for the benefit of others who would never do the same for you and probably won't truly appreciate your sacrifice."

So, I've decided to put my foot down and not agree. I ain't tryin' to hear you ain't got nobody else. You come from a family of folks. There got to be somebody out there that can help you. If there is really not one other person, you still gon' have to make arrangements. People do it everyday. It's called handling your own "situation".

I can't be the hero for everybody. I'm doing more than my fair share of that in life right now.

More times than not, I wish I wasn't viewed as such. My old floormate from college called to tell me she was pregnant and scared. We lived on the same floor in 2000. Not a day since. Have barely spoken ever since then, but she just knows I'll know what to tell her when she calls so now, I'm worried about her 24-7.

This is they kind of information and "situations" people drop on me everyday with the expectation that I will be able to solve it all and fix everything with the blink of my eye. Every single day. No lie.

Half the time, I don't answer my phone 'cause I ain't even trynna hear it. If it ain't one thing, it's another.

My neck has been killing me for the past three days off ish like this. I am tense all over because of other people's "situations".

I guess I should be happy I don't have my own "situation" to deal with, as far as real drama. I don't like drama. But I can't escape drama, 'cause it's dropped in my lap at every turn.

Okay, I just totally mangled my earring without fully ripping it out of the hole in my ear.

But yeah. Back to what I was sayin'.

The only way for me to get away from this foolishness is gonna be for me to move and change my damn numbers. That's it.

Periot.

I know this, man.

I was walking the halls of my office building, imagining waking up to a houseful of passed-out folk, going into the kitchen, making breakfast and scrapbooking. LOL.

Yeah, it's time for me to get my own damn place.

I can just imagine though, when I'm ready, D gon' be tryin' to do the "roommate" thing, and I'ma have to tell her, "I just don't think I can handle that right now. I need to be by myself." I'd really be meaning, "Hell no, I would NEVER live with you and end up on the street somewhere 'cause you can't manage your damn money!". LOL.

I swear, last night, I was sitting on my bed feeling like I wasn't really existing. Like, people are not supposed to have negative shit on their mind 20/7. It's just not supposed to be this way, where the only time I'm not thinking totally negative thoughts is when I'm sleeping. 'Cause otherwise, I'm bothered by something - either too much confusing work, no f'n free time, damn leeches on my friggin' life...

This can't be life.

I am not my hair right now. Right now, I'm not even myself.

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