2006-04-26 - 4:31 p.m.

So I'll be moving out come June. Which, in a way, is great. It's just that I'm scared of moving out, living on my own...

Well not necessarily scared. It'll just be realllll different to finally come in the door and be able to strip. For real. That's real important to me. I hate clothes. So for me to be able to walk up in the door and get bucky... Ah, I can't wait! LOL!

But for real. It's just getting too strenuous at my mom's house. My stepfather's projecting is really wearing me down. Home is supposed to be a refuge from the outside world. At my mom's house, that is simply not the case. Here I am, stressed out in the world and I have to come "home" and be even more stressed out.

I am too busy (and fly) for this ish. LOL! I can't say it enough - me work TWO jobs. Full-time jobs, basically. How I do it, I don't even know. And when I'm not working, I'm doing something that is not relaxing. So please hang a sista for being tired by the time she gets home and not having enough energy to get out of the bed on her half-day off. Please.

But instead of getting all bent out of shape about it, I'm just making my moves. June 1st is the date. It's ironic 'cause I always said I had to be out of the house by 25. As I saw 25 getting closer and it not really seeming like I'd be able to move, I started thinking I'd like to be out by June 2006. Just last month, I let that goal go and just resigned myself to chillin' until I was completely financially ready to get out and do my own thing.

But this past weekend just showed me that one more day in that house is too long. It's just time for me to go. I've been doing my calculations and, as long as I get this ghetto apartment I'm looking at, I should be able to swing it.

I never wanted to live in an apartment, 'cause I've always lived in a house and I love a house lifestyle but people do it everyday. I'm from the hood so moving back there ain't nothin' to me. I'm not scared in the least bit. I know people who come to visit will be, but that's just the way it's gon' be. They ain't got to come.

It's not too far from anybody, which I also like. And my commute to work could be a little easier, which ain't too bad to deal with either.

I'm not ready but that's when it's time to do things - when you're not ready. That's how I look at it. I think it's even better that way. 'Cause if I waited, who knows when I would get around to it.

The main thing is I need a place where I can create and bask in peace. I need that really bad, especially with the kind of stress I'm feeling now. Stress about myself and my weight, stress about how much others need me, stress about not having gone back to school, stress about not being able to say no or not being able to turn my back on certain situations, stress about work (both jobs), stress about not leaving the theatre...

I just need to be able to come home, take off my clothes (it's that serious!), lay on my bed, close my eyes and listen to some jazz, maybe have a glass of wine and JUST CHILL. I'm sick of walking in the door and feeling tension. I can't stand it anymore. So this is what I gotta do and I'm ready.

It's gonna be crazy to not wake up and talk to my mom at the start of the day. That's gonna really blow my mind. But I've done it before and now I'll definitely be doing it again. I can handle it. *sniff sniff*

I'm kinda bothered by the fact that, even though I'm not contributing much to the mountain of expenses they have, the part that I am giving, I'll be taking with me. It's bad enough as it is that the burden of it all is sitting on my mother's shoulders, which is another story for another day. So for me to take away what I've been giving all of a sudden with no change in her financial status... It's gonna be hard to do. But I love the fact that she's not making me feel guilty about it. She's trying to make me see it the other way around actually. That their bills are not my responsibility. And I appreciate that from her.

I just hope that my aunt and her daughter realize that they have to cease and desist their dependency on her. Stop looking for her to come to their rescue 'cause she has to take care of her own responsibilities first.

In a way, I'm almost frustrated about it because I'm working all the time and cannot afford what I want, as far as housing right now. And the Lord knows my heart so he understands me when I think man, what I could do with that 10% I'm giving every month! But I realize and appreciate that every month, without fail, I do not go without for anything. Sure, there are splurges I wouldn't mind spending on and there's always that CapitalOne card I SURELY would love to pay off. Nevertheless, I do not want for the things I need. Everything I need, and more, I have supplied for me. I know it is as a result of my faithfulness in giving that 10% to God.

Like I said, he knows my heart so he understands my thoughts. But I also know that God is going to help me have what I want. He is going to bless me in ways I couldn't even imagine or conceive because of my trust in him, that here I am, turning over money that could change my living situation, without a...okay...without a third thought. LOL. He knows me so well. LOL.

So my plan for my new place is, even though it's in the hood, to create my luxury inside. I'm going to commission my best friend to do some cheap interior decorating (I'm talkin' fabric on the walls instead of paint). My main concern as far as luxury is my bed (which I already have covered) and my bathroom. I'll dedicate energy to those areas and just have the necessities in the others.

As long as I can come in the door and feel at home, that's all that matters.

Right?

Right, right.

I just want to create luxury where I am. Just feel luxurious wherever I am. And I really believe I can do that to the extent that I would like, even though it wouldn't be specifically what I would consider luxury.

I just feel very disassociated with my situation but also very determined to make it happen.

And to be proud about it.

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