2006-04-26 - 4:32 p.m.

So now my mom wants me to wait a little while before I move out. I hear her, in feeling like I'm making a rush decision. I tried to explain to her that this is not a rush decision, it is a combination of plans I made and abandoned as well as prime opportunity.

I found an apartment I would be interested in with a price I'd be happy with because it includes all the utilities and here today, I find out it's brand-new, nobody has lived in it yet...

I know she doesn't want to see me go but I have to. Also, I have a great-aunt who is close to 80 but still lives in her own house. She's made mention before that she wouldn't mind living in a senior community situation. She's a people person and being holed up in her house keeps her out of the loop most of the time. I personally think it would be great for her to do that.

The whole thing with her is that she called me up and told me that she has willed her house to me. When she passes, it's mine. This is also the same great-aunt who gave me the papers for a small life insurance policy on her to help me pay for college when I started in 1999. Needless to say, I've been done with college a few years now. LOL. I don't think she's going anywhere anytime soon.

My mom wants me to talk to her about moving into a facility. It would be paid for with 30% of the social security benefits she's getting now, so that wouldn't be an issue. Right now, she's not really making it on her benefits. Her house is paid for but she's on quite a few medications and she has her utility and other bills to pay. Living in such a facility would be a huge weight off her shoulders financially. If she'd allow me to move into her house, I'd be more than willing to give her money every month. That way she could build up her pockets and not have to worry about anything.

I just don't want her to feel like I'm trying to get her out so I can get in, that's why I'd rather just do the apartment thing on my own. But my mom thinks I should talk to her about everything before I make any decisions. I just don't know.

I think about the whole thing and my mind goes to my cousin. She's older than me, married and pregnant. I'm sure as soon as news gets out about the house, her husband, ever the opportunist, will start making noise about them moving into the house as well. Probably even moving in and not having me there at all.

I'm ready to live on my own and do my own thing. Really. No disrespect, 'cause I love my cuz and I want the best for her, for sure. But I'm ready to do my thang solo. And if that means letting them have the house, then that's just what it means. Although I can't lie, I just don't fully trust her husband.

So I'm at a crossroads right now. I want to talk to my aunt for the best for her but I don't want her to feel like I'm trying to push her out to get in. I'm nervous about how my cousin would react to everything... I just don't know.

And I keep thinking in my head, "Costa Rica, Costa Rica!" amidst all of this. LOL. I'm not worried about CR though, it's already taken care of, so I'm straight with that if I were to get in the midst of moving.

But I just don't know. I'm ready to go. Period. Truly, I am. There's just so much to think about right now.

I'm just ready to get out and get settled so I can focus on getting into school for the fall. I just imagine myself having been in my apartment and gotten it set up, coming home from a long day at work, chillin' out, maxxin' and relaxxin', having dinner and then settling in to do my damn homework.

The thought of that scenario is exciting to me right now. For real.

I'm still unclear as to what I should do this very minute. I tried praying about it this morning but all of the surrounding factors seem to distract me. I just got some thinking to do and I need to sit down and pray about it one good time and that's it.

I know that I'ma go look at that apartment this weekend though. For sure.

(couple hours later)

We just came back from a lunch for the people in my department and some from accounting and human resources. It's Administrative Professional Day - they celebrate everything in my office. LOL. I got two gifts, which was nice in and of itself. But then the big boss man took us all out to lunch - on the company's tab, of course. I had a nice salad, some chewy hard bread, the bomb-ass salmon (which I asked to be wrapped up so I could take what I couldn't eat home...at least another lady in my office took hers home too), and some fire-y (literally, it tasted like fire. just nasty.) creme brulee. Oh, can't forget the Sangria. Had me all light-headed. I'm glad the restaurant ended the meal with a cup of espresso or I would be laid out right about now. LOL.

(another couple hours later)

I just got off the phone with a couple of people (why, when I'm ready to do something, nobody who's supposed to know what's going on knows what's goin gon?!?!) about applying for the master's program I'm interested in. It's a two-year thing, so if I get in this July, I'll be finishing up in 2008. Monday night and Saturday classes, which would be a great schedule for me. No more impromptu trips upstate, or anywhere for that matter. But hey, gotta do what you gotta to get what you want.

The only issue is, I'll be applying for the program AND a scholarship, being that I'm trying to go for free since I work for a university. Doesn't hurt that it's my alma mater. That kinda makes me nervous but what's for me is for me. I trust that.

All I really need to get is a letter from my supervisor. I'm gonna try and talk to her about it today and see can she do one for me. She likes me so I'm not worried about that. I just know how busy she is and I'm trying to get everything out in two weeks. We'll see.

Could this really be my year?! Man, I would hope so.

I'm just ready to be consumed with work (one-job only though) and school. Get all this other foolishness off my damn mind. For real.

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