2006-04-10 - 4:57 p.m.

First...

WHY last night, I was at McD's picking up something for TheBouncer like a good FB/GF should. I had to go inside 'cause the drive-thru line was so damn long. Problem was, I had dressed to see TheBouncer. I was in my comfy clothes but something that I knew would give him enough peeks that he would appreciate what he saw. I knew we were about to have a serious conversation so I dressed like I did to kinda lighten the mood.

This particular McD's is in a Spanish neighborhood. On the other side of the expressway is the hood-hood, which is where TheBouncer lives. That's Miami for ya.

So I get out the car and start walking up to the building. There are honks but I just keep it moving. Go inside, order my food, back out the door in no time flat.

There was a Spanish guy that was right behind me in line. I heard him ask for something and of course, at this particular McD's, they ain't have it (ice cream, of all things - they always don't have something).

So he walked out of the door right ahead of me with his son. He's just cussing about how they never have anything, looking for agreement from me. Me, knowing how this McD's is, I was like, "Yeah, they never have anything."

So because this McD's is between some not-so-safe hoods, the back door I originally came in was locked, so I had to walk around the entire building to get to the parking lot in the back. So me, the guy and his son are all headed in the same direction.

I was anticipating the moment I would have enough space to break free from them, as we started looking like a family up in that parking lot. LOL. So finally, I was able to walk away. I was just about scurrying to my car. LOL! I was almost there when he started asking questions. To be polite, I said I'd take his number just to get him going about his business.

This fool gave his son the keys and told him to go get in the car. Child had to be about 6 years old. LOL! I couldn't believe it. What was even more funny to me was that the child looked like he completely recognized his daddy's game. Like, "Okay, I know what's up daddy. Meet me in the car. Hope you get that number!" LOL! Shameful.

So I take his number. He's leaned all up in my damn car. The chicos behind me in the parking lot are all into what's going on as they were the ones honking at me in the beginning. He asks me what I'm doing later. "Working." That's my standard reply and usually, it's true. He asks what time I'm getting off. I say, "2 or 3am. Whenever I finish." He gon' beg me to call him when I'm done. 'Talkin' 'bout "I got my own place so that's not a problem." Ooooookkkkaayyyy. LOL. Gave me a kiss on the cheek and I bounced to go take my boo his food.

Felix (?!?!) ain't gettin' no call from me. I ain't tryin' to be no papi chulo's African fantasy. Sorry. Not goin' down. Especially when I had to ask if that was his son... He told me he was divorced and "was sure I could relate".

WTF?! LOL! So I guess now, I'm giving off the "been married" vibe. I guess that's better than the "young enough looking to be attractive to old geezers" vibe... Right? Riiiight.

So I'm going to detail my weekend 'cause I feel like it.

Friday. What did I do? Oh yeah. Got off work late and was just too tired and too burned out to hit up the theatre. Took my sas home. Laid around for a lil bit then realized, "Hey, I wanna get out the house and do a solo outing." I thought about calling my cousin to go hang with her in her and her husband's new apartment (they might be pregnant!). But I ain't wanna be in David's area (they live in the same complex) alone 'cause I ain't wanna be tempted to call him after I left her house. (Yeah, he's resurfaced and still very interested in something with me. Just not gonna work out at any level. The teeth! LOL!)

So I decided to take myself to the movies. I never get to go 'cause I usually don't have time but my late-nights have opened up since I decided against going out for a while. So I picked myself up, got dressed, yawning and all, and set out to go see "Inside Man".

I thoroughly enjoyed myself and my company. LOL. I'm good company! LOL. For real though. Sometimes I just like to be by myself 'cause I ain't got to be worried about nobody else enjoying themselves but me. And the movie was good. Actually impacted my dreams in a big way throughout the night. Another story for another day.

But yeah, I see myself doing more of that in the future. The very near future.

Saturday, had all these cleaning plans that did not come to fruition. At all. LOL. Was woken up by various phone calls, as usually happens on my Saturday mornings. A mini-crisis at the theatre which had nothing to do with me. At all. But of course, since I'm known to be responsible and that people can count on me to fix things, I was drawn into the whole thing and ended up solving it from my bedroom. Yes, I be the bomb.

Got up, had breakfast, went to the theatre for other reasons, picked up my little cuz, then went back to the house for my mom, then to my aunt's house to pick her and my other cuz up, then to my other's aunt's house for her bridal party meeting. We had a good time together. A bunch of women hanging out, planning a wedding.

Left from there and went to my other cuz's earlier-mentioned apartment 'cause nobody had seen it but me at this point since I went the day she moved in to help out. So we hung out over there for a while. I found Playa's "Never Too Late" which I just had to have so I was happy for the rest of the night. LOL.

Left from there, dropped off my aunt and two cuz's. Took my momma to the truck to get her some eats. Headed home. Remained there for the rest of the night.

Yes. I'm the taxi on the weekends. Shoot, everyday, actually.

Sunday, got up for Sunday School and my momma planted the bug about staying for church. So that was the plan. It's significant because we haven't been to an actual church service at our church in years. We always go to Sunday School but not service. I say it's a shame when you tell people you staying and they start hugging you and jumping up and down and clapping their hands. LOL. We're not heathens people! We just don't spend hours in church.

I'm so glad we stayed. The service was something specific I needed to hear in regards to the Bible. And P.Will joined the church, something she had been struggling with for years. It was so great to see people reaching out for the Lord's friendship. I pray that everyone gets to experience his friendship and love. Whoo!

Went and got Aunt Jnt some Popeye's. She loves her some fried chicken. Just about got into an accident myself being nosy about another accident that had just happened. LOL. Thanks ma! LOL!!! Sat with Aunt Jnt for a spell and then went on home. Did some MySpacing. Laid down for a restless nap. Kept thinking about J.Starr! Why'd he have to play like that when he was feeding me that drink?! I hate him for that! LOL. Can't get it out my damn head.

TheBouncer called. He had called me at 2 in the morning to talk about "us". We agreed to talk about it at a more decent hour.

So when he called yesterday evening, I decided I wanted to see him to talk about everything then. I wanted to confront him because he's so hiding of his feelings. I mean, I am even moreso but he hides them because that's how I am, not how he is or wants to be. So I wanted him to get it all out. Tell me everything he was feeling, felt, wanted to feel - all that. Uninterrupted.

*Insert Papi story from above.*

So I get to his house. We talk while he eats. I knew he was in love with me but I ain't really know, ya know? Or I really knew but just didn't treat it that seriously. I just didn't realize how deep his feelings were. Or again, I realized but... I'm just being young in this whole situation.

But he has too much baggage and too many issues that he needs to straighten out before he tries to settle down with anybody, much less me, anyway. So we've decided to take a real break so he can get himself together.

I didn't promise to wait. I didn't promise anything other than to give him the time that he needs.

And I told him I love him. Which, I realized, I really do. But I am still not in love with him. But when I told him "I love you too", his voice seriously broke and I know he was holding back tears as he then hid his face in my neck. I have never heard him sound like that before. It made me real nervous. But I don't regret saying it and, like I said, I mean it. But I am not in love with him and I hope when it comes time to deal with that, he will be able to handle it.

But that whole scenario was just weird to me. I've never been in that situation before as I've never had a real relationship before. And even this one, I kept it at "non-relationship status". The entire two years I've been dealing with him, we have not been in a relationship. We have not had any titles, I myself have not been exclusive to him and he knows that, no reporting to each other, none of that. But it's the most consistent situation I've ever been involved in. The most involved, for sure.

I wanted to laugh at myself 'cause I was like, "What am I supposed to do right now? Is the normal thing to cry or what?" The while time we were talking. LOL. It ain't funny but it sho'll is funny to me. I was just all out of the loop as to what to do and how to handle everything, how to comfort him...

I was walking up to my job today and I had to smile 'cause I feel like my love-life is a song put to video. LOL. I got it all goin' on. Plot twists, declarations of loves, time away from each other. LOL! It's all so funny to me mostly because I just don't know how to deal with it all. How to react.

But I'm glad for it. I'm ready to hibernate again. No niggas. Periot!

I'ma start takin' myself out. No need for dates for a while. Just take myself out, do my own thing, enjoy my own company.

I'll be alright.

Except for missin' Tha D. Hol' up, I'm feelin' faint. LOL! For real though. I'm attached to his, for real for real. That's gonna be a serious strain on my mental health. But I declare today that I will not go looking for a substitute.

Now, if one finds me, that's another story. LOL.

Naw, naw. I need to go on a D Diet. It's about time. Maybe it'll help me lose a little bit of this here weight. Not gettin' that good stuff for a while. Maybe it'll be enough to drive me to the gym to get all that frustration out.

We'll see.

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