2005-07-24 - 7:22 p.m.

Man! I be wantin' to stop by and write but I just haven't had the time since that last post. Even now, my fingers are flyin' 'cause I got thangs I got to do. But anyway...

How're things? Okay, I guess. I am not pregnant, once again (okay, why is this a revolving question?!?!). Thank the good Lord. I saw an out with TheBouncer and jumped all over it. I haven't seen him in a lil' while and I'm not even tempted to try to get over to his house (not that I could call him anyway since his cell phone is off 'cause he couldn't afford to pay the bill). Hopefully, this situation continues along this path so that I can finally be free of this "relationship".

How's work? It's stressful. So much to do, to be done, to be fixed. But I know the Lord gave me this position because he knows I can handle it so I will. I plan on going in earlier and "studying" outside of work when I can so that I can get more familiar with the material I'm working with in order to be more efficient. I just basically need to get my life in order so that things run more smoothly.

That's always my goal. I continually allow things and people to keep me from my goal but hopefully, I'll get on track and just keep on pushing.

I get my first deposit this weekend from work. I'm excited. Those are about to be some number I've never seen before. LOL. The first thing I want to do is pay down my damn debt. That's gonna take me a few months but I'm patient and I'm going to be diligent so I'm not worried about not getting it done. More excited than anything.

J is acting funny towards me. Now this is my roommate from college and a close friend since basically 2000. It's always either me and her or me, her and D. J is the kind of person that's spoiled. She wants what she wants when she wants it. If somebody else is not bending to what she wants for whatever reason, that person is labeled as being selfish. Who's usually that person? Oh, let's just say ME! LOL.

So last week, we went out Friday night 'cause our friend Vita was in town. J got upset 'cause she couldn't get her way earlier in the evening. Nevermind that her way would have inconvenienced all of us, including her. She thought she would not be able to get what she wanted when she wanted it so she proceeded to act stank the rest of the evening. I could not care less because I was intent on enjoying myself. So the night eventually ended.

The next day, we all were supposed to meet up at her house and go to this bball game for ZSG. We had a meeting time. D arrived first and called J only to find out that J was at the bookstore and not making any effort to get to her house so we could all meet and ride out. I told D and Vita to come to my house and then called J. I told her that me, D and Vita would ride out to the arena and she could meet us there. Okay.

So we get there and it's HOTTTTT. I'm tryin' to call J but she's not answering her phone. I leave her a message telling her that we can't wait outside because it's too damn hot - call us when she gets to the arena.

She never shows up. I figure she got caught up at the bookstore or whatever. I started to get upset but I ain't wanna not enjoy myself at the game so I let it go.

I call Nat to see what's up for after the game. She tells me she's at J's house, for us all to come there to get ready to go to this party Nat's friend is having. We get to J's house and are given a rude welcome by J. Apparently, J was mad at us (basically ME) because we (I) were being selfish by leaving her outside with no ticket because she knows for a fact that once you go inside the arena, you cannot come back out to give anybody a ticket. She didn't even go with us to the party, talkin' 'bout there was "no way in hell" she was going. LOL!

The problem with this whole explanation is that she was given this information by Nat who was NOT EVEN WITH US and she knew that! Instead of calling me when she got to the arena, she's calling Nat. If she had called me like I said to do in the message I had to leave on her phone because she was not picking up, she would have found out that we had an extra ticket so that somebody could come outside and give her the ticket and then come back inside themselves.

So she's in a tizzy, actin' very rude and nasty, 'cause she thought we thought she was actin' funny on Friday night so we left her outside with no ticket on Saturday. And I know this is what she thinks 'cause I called a few days later to find out how I, in particular, was being selfish.

The funny thing now is, she won't speak to me. I sent her a text that required a response and she didn't respond. I called and left a message that required a response and she didn't call back...

Honestly, I'm hurt by her behavior. We're supposed to be friends and #1, she would assume I would leave her stranded outside of somewhere and #2, after finding out she was wrong in her assumption, she would not apologize but instead stop communicating with me as if I did something to her.

I've been fighting the urge over the past few days to call her. I asked my mom for her advice and she told me not to call. She said J does this because she knows I'll be the one to be grown about it and "run after her" and try to fix everything, which is true. I value her friendship. We have fun together and do not judge one another.

But in a lot of ways, the friendship is one-sided. I do A LOT for her. And it's my fault because that's the type of person I am - I will always do for my "friends". In return, has she done anything for me? Not much. But to me it was cool because I don't do to have done in return. I do just because. That's just the way I am.

That's not fair to me though because people tend to just use all that up. I mean, I would really miss her friendship and it would be difficult for me to explain to people why things aren't the way they used to be but then again, doesn't it show how much she devalues this "friendship"? Her problem is that she doesn't really ever see how much people do care about her. She believes those who don't and doesn't believe those who do.

At this point, like I said, I'm hurt. But honestly, really and truly, I've done enough. There's really nothing more that I can do. If she calls, I will be courteous and all that. I won't hold a grudge. But if she doesn't, then that's just the way the cookie crumbles. What can you do?

And when I think about it, she is very jealous of me in a lot of ways. Looking at us, one wouldn't think that. But her upbringing and her subsequent mentality 'cause her a lot of strife whereas me, I react to life differently and therefore, receive some good stuff - mentally, physically, all that. In the same situations, we each have different outcomes and it's all based on the differences in our attitudes. It's hard to explain to her but I try.

And with my blessings... A lot of times, she reacts negatively to good things that happen for me. Big things too. I'll never forget getting my ECHO or this job I have now because of the overly negative reactions I received from her, a person who is supposed to be my friend.

I just... It's hard for me to feel betrayed. I really don't like that feeling. Especially when it's unwarranted. But again, what can you do?

But yeah, I've been walking. Walking during my lunch hour. Sweating like a pig and walking right back into the office smelling like sweat. But it's great. It really truly is great. I love it. When I'm walking, I'm thinking good thoughts. I'm enjoying the actual activity and the sights. I'm clearing my mind and my heart. By the time I get back to work, I'm damn near ready for anything. It's great. And I'm about to get into it double time 'cause my cousin's wedding is at the end of September and I ordered my dress a size too small as motivation.

I'll get there. LOL. I PRAY! Lord, help me. LOL!!!

But yeah, my next update will probably be far and away and as long as this one but it's all good. I'ma holla.

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