2005-07-08 - 10:24 p.m.

It's funny.

I'm finally able to type a drunk post. Whee!!!

Naw, for real. I'm trying to understand what the situation is with me and TheBouncer. I'm so sick of not being able to let go of this foolish situation.

He is a grown-ass man with four kids and grown-ass man with four kids issues. He's strapped for cash, stays busy and a father to four children. What do I see? What is it that causes me to not be able to walk away and not look back?

I think it's the whole "being needed" thing.

Like yesterday. I saw my cousin - the one who's less than a month younger than me who we grew up as sisters just about. She has a bunch of mental issues. I think schizophrenia is the proper diagnosis even though the psychiatrist only mentioned anxiety and depression. The last time I saw her, maybe last year evevn though I've been to her house plenty times this year, she was damn-near more overweight than me even though she grew up as this skinny little thing. So when I saw her last night after some coaxing, I saw how skinny she's gotten. She's actually just about back to her old skinny weight. I was really in shock about that. About that, about the state of the house she lives in with her mother and younger sister - basically about the difference in our lives between now and when we were growing up.

It was all just too much for me. I actually got up out my bed and drove to TheBouncer's house without him knowing I was coming. Why didn't he know? Because his phone has been turned off 'cause he can't afford to pay the bill.

So of course when I get there, he's stressing about not being able to pay his bills so that takes precedence over my distress about my cousin, the girl who was like a sister to me and the state she's in. He needed me then and there and I had to step up to the plate.

I talked to him, trying to help him see the small lights shining in his situation. I massaged his stiff neck which was stiff from all the stress he's going through. I encouraged him and willed the best over his life. He needed me and I did all I could to be there for him. I cradled him in my arms on the couch and helped him fall asleep peacefully. I coaxed him to bed and watched him sleep, rubbing his back and kissing his face.

I was all I could be that he needed me to be. And that's all I ever am for him. I'm always for him. Always what he needs me to be. When he needs me to be it. How he needs me to be it. Why he needs me to be it.

He doesn't have anybody else in his life that is what I am for him right now. Nobody can replace me right now.

That's what the hell keeps me around. Being, as J said, "indisposable".

No one else could fill the void I would leave behind. He quickly realized that during our most recent "separation". He admitted that the entire time, he was miserable.

I, on the other hand, was just living life. I wasn't really affected one way or the other. I just missed the structure of what we have. Other than that, I was cool.

What the hell am I doing? I don't understand me.

I'm just ready to move out on my own and be my own complete person. Live by myself, be by myself. I'm ready for it.

I'm sweating now and Forgotten is on in the background while J is sleeping on the couch. Fritz got me all riled up a lil while ago and, against my better judgement, I'm hoping he'll call later. Yeah, he has a child too. LOL. I have some pheremone that attracts me to niggas with kids.

But Mark is the biz-bomb. Sho'll is. Where he at? I should call his ass.

G'nite.

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