"Let me see you get loose."
2005-06-05 - 7:40 p.m.
So Friday night, I went out with D and her sister again. Only difference was this time, we were with David. 'Member him? Mmm-hmm.
I hadn't spoken to him in a minute mainly 'cause I still kinda like him but I just don't feel like dealing with his whole situation and all these other outside factors. Whatever.
So Friday, we go to the Beach. I was really tryna just stay in with TheBouncer but I knew D would be disappointed if I didn't go. It started raining soon as I got out there but by the time I parked, the rain had disappeared and the streets were dryin' up. Weird. LOL.
So I get to "the club" (really Fat Tuesdays, which I'm not really a fan of). I walk in and see D and everybody immediately. David is lookin' at me all around his shades and I just got a lil' KoolAid smile on my face 'cause I ain't really wanna speak to him or anything. Just tryna be cordial and on the low with him.
He had already bought D and her sis a drink but I ain't never been out with him like that before to know if he would get me one. I just asked what he was drinkin' and he ran to the bar to get me what he had. Ran. Literally. LOL!! Came back with the drink and two extra shots. The drink is called 190 Octane. That shoulda struck me but it didn't 'cause it was a frozen drink and I know I never usually do frozen drinks and even when I do, it ain't nothin' serious.
So I tear through that and I ain't really feelin' no effects. Went back to the bar and split one (them thangs is like 24oz!) of the same drinks with D and her sis. Okay. Startin' to feel a little tipsy.
Went to the dance floor with D and started movin' around a little bit. Not really dancin' but not really standin' still either. Danced with this dude Darryl who came with David. Got the hell away from him when he started singing some song an octave higher than I was singing it and all in my ear on top of that. Escaped over to David.
That's where the night takes a nasty (hehe) turn.
Hopped behind David who was dancin' with D's sister. Just behind him to stay away from all the other dudes in the club. Slid a spanish dude between me and the wall and was havin' a good time. Noticed that David's hands were on my ass the whole time so I figured hey, why not take this opportunity?
By this time, D had switched out with her sister and was in front of David. I politely (yeah right) turned around and turned David around and moved D to the hispanic dude (he was a cutie anyway). Proceeded to get down with David the rest of the night. Split another one of them damn drinks with D. Got caught kissing David by the DJ who announced that David was in a threesome over in the corner (D took the opportunity to kiss him too). That whole entire couple of hours was just too off the chain. For real.
Ended up in the car with D and David by ourselves and straight out told that nigga everything I wanted to do with him. No shame. But I also told him that what happened in the club was basically getting the whole fantasy of him out of my system. And I meant that too. I don't see myself getting down with him. Just too much involved in that situation.
So I took all of my drunk energies over to TheBouncer. We got down but then he expressed some issues that he has held over from his experiences with his ex-wife. I promptly told his ass he has some thangs he needs to work on, turned over and proceeded to try to take my ass to sleep. He apologized, took complete hold of me and I was knocked out for the rest of the morning.
I called him today to tell him we need to talk. I, for real this time, feel that I need a break from him. As of Tuesday, I will have known him for a full 365 days. I'm just not into him. Don't love him. Care about him? Yes. But I don't love him. I don't feel like I need him to get through my days. He has nothing to offer me but his love and, to be honest, I'm a bitch that needs more than that. Love don't pay none of my damn bills. And that's all he's got. Some love for me.
But the feeling is not mutual and I'm tired of existing in a situation where I'm not held accountable for not loving someone the way they love me. I feel VERY selfish in this situation and, as much as I've always wanted to be selfish, I really don't enjoy the feeling. It's heartless in a completely different way than the heartlessness I used to feel in this life.
It's not right. It's not fair.
I don't even have the chance to be lonely because I'm so fuckin' comfortable in this damn situation. It's disgusting. I'm about to be 25 for Pete's sake!
So yeah, I'm about to put my foot down for real. Not allowing him to talk me back into what we (don't) have. Just taking a stand and doing what the hell I feel. The only time I'll be reminiscing is when I smell the damn soap he uses 'cause that shit really does just put me in a damn trance.
But for real. It's gotta stop. Today. Or tomorrow. But for real, it's got to stop.