2005-04-25 - 2:10 p.m.

It's times like these that I'm so glad I have this thang online...

I'm sittin' up here worried. And this whole "worried" stuff was supposed to be put to a stop last night, but that didn't happen.

Saturday and Sunday, I had some of the symptoms that let me know that Virginia is supposed to be popping up soon. My back was killing me on Saturday. On Sunday, I was sweatin' like a pig.

Yet this morning and up until now, this afternoon, I have not seen hide nor hair of Virginia.

I'm just hoping that she is seriously tripping but will definitely show up later this evening or, at the very latest which would have me having a sleepless night, tomorrow morning.

Virginia, why do you taunt me so?

I have no legitimate reason to be pregnant but my conscience has me at about 10 months... The condom only broke between me and TheBouncer one time and that was waaaaay in the beginning of our situation. I do not play with using a condom - it is a must at all times. I'm just so nervous though 'cause last time (which was last week), even though I'm sure we used a condom and it didn't break...I don't know. I'm just not ever really late with my period. It either comes earlier than it's supposed to or right on time.

I guess it's 'cause I could see that, in the situation I've allowed myself to be in, a fitting consequence would be to get pregnant. I'm messing with a dude that I have no love for whatsoever. I'm in it just for the physical pleasure. Period. I'm messing with a dude, whom there is no question, I would not want to have to introduce to my family and friends as my babydaddy. That sounds way harsh even to me, but it's the honest truth I feel in my mean old heart.

And I wouldn't be going so crazy if I hadna looked in my planner and seen that Virginia was supposed to be here yesterday. Even though me and D are on the exact same schedule and she hasn't started yet either even though her symptoms appeared Saturday too, I'm still not relaxed about this situation.

Add all of this anxiety to that of my upcoming interview and I'm about to go crazy. I'm just praying that I make it through today without losing my damn mind.

I just don't know what I would do if I turned up pregnant. Especially now, when my money is laughing at me. That's my second concern about my fears. If I were to be pregnant, it would be so much easier to deal with the idea knowing I had a stable job and money in the bank. But I have neither right about now, so the fact that I'm nauseous just at the possibility is acceptable to me.

My head is beginning to hurt the way it does when Virginia is on her way but I really think this time, it's 'cause I'm so damn worried. Walking around trying not to let it show on my face is killer too.

Why do I do this to myself? Why not just go right back to celibacy like I said I would? I never had this particular stress when I was a good ole virgin!

Man...

AND THEN the interview tomorrow...

All I can do is pray. That's all I can do. I pray that I'm not pregnant but that, if I am, I accept it and move on with my life.

My stomach hurts. And I want to laugh at myself for jumping to the conclusion that I could be pregnant without a great deal of just 'cause. But I also know that it only takes one time and some determined sperm to bring about a result - whether it's what I'm looking for or not.

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