2005-01-04 - 1:52 p.m.

So in that last entry, I mentioned that I chatted the New Year in with David, right? Right.

So I find out a little while ago, more like an hour ago, that him and J hooked up last night. Hooked up, like "hooked up".

This is exactly what I get to be - nervous and anxious that J is gonna find out that I was kinda-sorta hangin' out with David behind her back 'cause that nigga might slip up and tell her. But considering what he told me about her, I can't imagine he would do that. Then again, with these niggas, you never know...

And I was gonna call him last night to go and chill but my mind told me not to, so I listened to my mind. I'm listening to my instincts in 2005. For real.

I'm just mad that I allowed myself to find myself in this position. I'm glad that I didn't start really feeling anything for David. If that had happened, I would be one unhappy female right about now. But I'm still mad that I even remotely entertained his antics, knowing that there was a possibility that J was seriously feeling him, even though the feeling was seemingly not mutual and she heavily downplayed it even though she was talking about him all day, all night.

I was wrong. And this is what I deserve. Plain and simple.

But in another situation, I am proud of myself. Of course, Jerramy (he'll just never go away) would call me Sunday night and I'd answer the phone. Why I answered it? I really don't know. I could use the excuse that I was asleep, but that's not a good enough excuse, knowing that I looked at the number and still pressed the button to talk. But yeah.

I let him talk, thinking to myself the whole time, "Why the hell did I answer this call?!" He finally realized I was not responding and let me know that he was gonna let me get back to sleep. I hung up and remembered that I had promised myself I would not answer his calls anymore and resolved to stick to my promise in the future.

So of course, he'd call me again last night. I saw the number ('cause I don't have his name saved in my phone) and flipped my phone open in a millisecond of weakness. I once again remembered my promise and proceeded to press the button to ignore the call. So he knows I ignored his call. And unlike all the other times in the past, I did not call him back.

Well, that's not completely true. I also did not call him back last Monday. While I was at the hospital seeing about my Great Aunt, I thought of who I could turn to for comfort outside of my family, all of whom were hurting already. He was the first person that came to mind. Then I remembered his response to my desire for comfort from a time before and I shut that thought down.

So wouldn't it be ironic to get a call from him as soon as I got home from the hospital? Wouldn't it be ironic? I had just gone to the bathroom so I missed the call. I thought about calling him back but decided against it. It just wouldn't have made sense to reach out for something I knew I was not going to receive. Instead, I would have ended up hurting more than I already was over my Great Aunt's situation.

So I can't answer his calls anymore. I realized this morning that I need to stop doing things I don't want to do, feeling feelings for people I do not want to feel feelings for and dealing with situations I don't feel like dealing with because I feel sorry for them because they did not get what they wanted from me. If it ain't in my best interest, I ain't dealing with it in 2005 or the years to come. Period.

I need to start caring about me first, all these other individuals second. This year, I'm only extending myself for my family and the homeless/abused/needy. Everybody else can fend for themselves.

And I will be quick to shut down a situation where somebody feels the need to tell me something that ain't true, give me false hopes because they feel like they should for whatever crazy reason...

I just keep thinking in my head that Jerramy could have had it all from me. Everything. Instead, he got nothing - but my heart anyways. At least that was only for a time. I'm like Joan: I was holding on to the love I had for a nigga for so long until he proved to me that he didn't really love me. I needed him to prove it to me, 'cause the obvious signs just weren't enough on their own.

Man, my heart has so much control over my life. So much to do with my life. It's crazy. As much of a non-feeling person as I am, my heart really does direct a lot of what I do in my life. It's ridiculous. That's why I enjoy being such a "heartless" person - not showing any feeling or emotion. Internalizing my heart.

I know it's not a way to live but I continue to be disappointed, continue to not receive what I give... I'm tired of it at this point.

It's 2005 and I'm tired of being tired. Better yet, I'm like Ant Hamilton, "tired of being sick and tired".

LOL at right now! Real is sitting right in front of me at my job and we are the only two in the room and we aren't saying a thing to each other. I'm typin' these lines, actin' all serious about my work and he's actin' like he's workin' on somethin' serious too. And it's cool. And I'm cool with that.

Anyway. Let me do some work.

Bye!

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