"I don't want you out, I can't let you out, I just want you in my life..."
2004-12-01 - 1:18 p.m.
So I'm back to the same ol', same ol'... My weight. I'm back up to a solid 170. From 163 last year right back up to 170 at the close of 2004...
I'm tired of being the size that I am. Closer to the New Year, I always get upset about it 'cause for as long as I can remember, I've been saying, "This is gonna be the year I lose weight."
And honestly, in this one year, I've worked out more than I ever have in my life. The problem was, it was never on a consistent basis. I'd start and then completely stop for whatever reason.
At this point, the whole thing is just absolutely ridiculous.
The thing about it is, I know my body is ready and willing to change shape. When I do work out, my body is happy. I can feel the difference. All of my levels - cholesterol, triglycerides, all that - are outstanding. (According to my doctor, way below what she usually sees. She even told me that those kinds of levels show that I'm a very healthy eater 'cause it seems as if I don't eat any fast food or oily foods or bad foods according to my results. Yeah right.)
So why don't I do it? Why don't I make time for myself and work out properly and consistently?
I don't understand it. I really don't. Okay, I love food. I surely do. But as much as I love food, I need to balance that out with exercise. And I just don't.
Why am I so against doing something for myself? Why do I break my neck on everyone else's behalf but treat myself this way? I just don't get it.
And yeah, I watch The Biggest Loser. And I see the tears those people (men and women) cry. And I know their pain. I know it all. But that doesn't stop me from snacking and eating a whole 'nother meal when I know I'm not even that hungry. Why is food such a good friend?
I need a personal trainer. That's what I need. Somebody who, no matter what I say or how I behave, will force me to do what the hell it is I need to do to lose this damn weight. It's just got to go. It's just got to.
In other non-news, I can't for the life of me get my damn hair done and it's driving me crazy. I'm sick of it. Really. I NEED MY DAMN HAIR DONE. My only option at this point would be to come into work late or something and I really don't feel like hearing my boss' mouth about it but this head needs to get done or there will be some serious consequences and repercussions.
Alright. This is my down day for the month. No more of these until next year, right?
Right...