"I'll be up just pondering my life..."
2004-08-26 - 7:59 p.m.
So I'm sitting here at work...by myself...phones ain't even ringing. I just gotta stick around until people get they ish together then I can leave.
I don't know why I feel the way I do right now. I mean, I feel really sad. I learned earlier today that this lady I've seen before was murdered last night and it's just really bothering me. I've been reading a message board and her website, both of which contain a lot of farewell and I miss you messages.
I didn't even know her. So why am I so sad about it?
'Cause other people are sad about it. And she had two little boys who will be sad about it for the rest of their lives.
And people are questioning God over it... And that makes me sad too.
God doesn't make mistakes. But that's easy for me to say 'cause I'm not directly in their situation right now. I'm not directly affected the way they are right now. So it's easy for me to say.
But I still believe it. God doesn't make mistakes. He just doesn't.
J was 3 months pregnant and didn't know it. Found out Monday. Tuesday, the gyno had to remove the fetus 'cause it wasn't viable.
I'm not depressed though. Even with all these blows and all this sadness around me. 'Cause I know God doesn't make mistakes.
Work has been rather difficult and I'm tired all the time, don't wanna go nowhere, don't want to do nothin'. I just want to sleep.
My student loans are coming due next week... A female is shakin' in her damn boots.
I'm still celibate. What's it been? Three weeks? I'm doin' good. No urges that I haven't been able to control. I just stay away from that trigger and go about my business. I ain't horny so it's all good.
My, what am I going to do? My life is very different right now than I imagined it would be. Not that things are terrible... I don't know. Things are good actually. My bills are always paid on time. LOL. I know that makes me happy.
I'm still single but I'm not lonely. Mainly because I don't have time to be. I'm not even attracted to anybody even though I met this handsome guy this afternoon here at the office but I did get turned off from him after he was actin' all happy about this girl named "Kiwi" that he recently met. "Kiwi"? Mmm-hmm.
Did I mention that I spent last Thursday with Kanye West and Quddus and then a little bit of time on Friday with Lennox Lewis? No? I guess 'cause I really didn't care. At the end of the day, they don't sign none of my checks. I'm only putting it here now 'cause I guess I should remember, for whatever reason, that I did meet these people.
I don't know what my mind is going through right now. I think I'm kind of delirious actually.
I'm tired of working at the theatre. I'm barely there during the week anyway and then I'm kind of resentful when I have to come in on the weekend 'cause I'm always working. All the time, everyday.
Aaaaggghhhh I need a freakin' break!
Wow, this entry has taken a bunch of twists and turns... I needed you right now Diary. You took a few things offa my head that had nowhere else to go. And I thank you.
By the way, I'm lovin' Teedra Moses right now. Like, seriously. I love "Last Day", "Outta My Head", "Backstroke", "Take Me", "Be Your Girl", "You'll Never Find", "For You"... I really just like the girl's album. I wish she was gettin' some airplay. Like, for real.
"I pray that the sun shines and the wind blows like it did then on her day. Won't sleep the night before. I'd be up just pondering my life. I would call all my peeps early in the morning to come later for a party." - "Last Day"
"Silly me, thinking there could be no way that we'd end up this way. But each day it get's clearer and clearer to me that this is the only way. Now that I've found my way my whole life has changed. But now I've found happiness here without you." and "Used to think maybe but baby now I am so sure." WHAT?! LOL! - "Outta My Head"
I'll put up some more lyrics next time I post if I'm still listening to Teedra by then, which I think I will be...