2002-05-28 - 2:11 a.m.

Here it is a Saturday night. What am I doing?

Sitting on my behind! That's what I'm doing. And it feels good!

What did I do today? I got up around 11am, went to the bank to deposit some checks, got my family something to eat, came home, took a nap, got up, washed me and D's car, came in my house, ate, and I been on my butt ever since.

And this is honestly one of the most enjoyable days I've had in a while. No stress. No foolishness. No running around... I forgot days like this could exist.

I'm gettin' ready to go to sleep in a few minutes. I do need to get up and take a bath first though 'cause a female is mighty dirty from all that car-washing.

I'm really pondering my job situation. I don't think I can work for my boss much longer. He has a lot of promise and his business is really doing big things. But he is bi-polar, something he suspects about himself but hasn't gotten confirmation of. I looked it up and he really does have a lot of the symptoms.

Anyway, the environment at work is too stressful mainly because of him and his condition. I never know when he is gonna be happy. I walk into work everyday expecting the worst 'cause to expect the best would just be setting myself up for failure. He blows up about the littlest things. Matter of fact, he blows up for just about everything.

I'm such a non-dramatic and positive energy person, I can't take all the negativity that comes along with him. And it's not all his fault 'cause that is really a serious condition. But man, I can't be subjecting myself to that kind of behavior just 'cause I know some real money is gonna be coming through the door. It just ain't worth that much to me.

I value my peace of mind more than anything. Ain't no amount of money that could buy my peace of mind. None.

I need to pick my butt up and go take me a bath is what I need to do.

But I've missed you, my dear Diary. I feel guilty not spending any time with you. So I'll stay just a little while longer.

I've given up my relationships with the niggas I was dealing with. I made everything clear and plain with Bouncer. That casual sex nigga, I completely removed his number from my phone and I don't plan on ever seeing him again in life. Jerramy, I will not call ever again. I don't even pass by his house anymore 'cause I ain't tryna give myself a reason to see him...

I'm just gon' be by myself for a little while and see how that works out. It feels good so far. Much less to worry about.

"I believe the day you came, my cloudy days swept away. Goodbye to lonely days. And I know without you, then my life is filled with rain. So stay right here with me."

It's funny - not really, but that's the expression. It just occured to me that the whole time I've been dealing with these guys in this physical way, I haven't wondered where my Prince Charming is coming from or who he is. I haven't even asked that question even though I knew that the dudes I was messing with surely were not him. That's crazy to me.

Whatever though. I will no longer ask that question. It's tired. And I'm tired of thinking about it.

Well, yeah, it's about time I wrapped this here up. It's been fun but my skin is screamin' for a cleanin'.

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