The Buck Stops here.
2004-01-08 - 11:08 a.m.
My last entry has led to this. LOL!!!
Woke up yesterday singing:
"I can't stay on your life support, there's a shortage in the switch
I can't stay on your morphine, 'cause it's making me itch
I said I tried to call the nurse again, but she's being a little bitch
I think I'm gonna have to go
Where I can run
Just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears and I SWEAR!
You're just like a pill
Instead of making me better
You keep making me ill
You keep making me ill"
Pink, "Just Like A Pill"
I really love this song. It's like the perfect description of a guy that you can't let go of but he's never changing. Everytime you go back, it's the same thing.
"And everyday, you did the same thing
And every hour, you would switch up on me
And every minute, I would keep forgiving
And every second, we would keep reliving"
Angie Stone, "Everyday"
All the time, the same thing. It gets boring after a while, eh?
That's how it was with Jerramy and me. He would keep acting up, keep showing me that he just wasn't what I wanted or needed. But because he showed a "sincere interest", I was so hesitant to let that go. From March 2002 to December 2003. Didn't want to let it go.
Until the last time I called him. That was just the last straw. What he said wasn't even anything. I wasn't hurt or saddened by anything he said to me at all. It just reminded me of everything that I had acted like I had never seen or never heard from him towards himself and me.
I'm not a good actress. I can't play parts for too long.
"Take a bow, the night is over
This masquerade is getting older
Lights are low, the curtain's down
There's no one here (there's no one here, there's no one in the crowd)"
I get bored with the same old routine when it comes to dealing with others. As a Capricorn, I can follow the same routine as far as getting dressed or moisturizing my skin. I can eat the same foods everyday. I can listen to the same songs over and over.
I just can't act everyday. I get tired of pretending that everything is all good and honky dory when it's really not. I'll get to the point where the pretending isn't fun anymore and I'm ready to move on. And that's what happened the last time I spoke to Jerramy.
So it's easy for me to not even think about ever speaking to him again in this life.
"You took my love for granted
Why, oh why?
This show is over, say goodbye
Say goodbye
Say goodbye
Say goodbye"
Madonna ft. Babyface, "Say Goodbye"
I guess I was saying how I was leaving all these niggas behind and everything, but I realized I hadn't really let them go. It ain't that all of 'em meant much to me. Quite the opposite.
Kareem was just a huge disappointment. (Yes, he was omitted from my list. I just forgot about him, that's the only reason why. LOL.)
"You promised not to let me down
You promised that you'd be around
You said I'd never hurt again
Me believe you?
There's no way
You promised that you'd hold my hand
You promised that you'd be my man
I need for you to understand
For me to trust in you?
There's no way"
Faith Evans, "No Way"
Damian was a damn dream borne of naivete. I just read too deep into the situation from the get and he never let me believe I should believe anything was different from what I was thinking so I got caught up in that. It was good though. I got to have "feelings" for someone even though I never came out and told him.
I thought I still had a few of those feelings left when I was speaking to him a few weeks ago. I now realize that nothing's there. Honestly, nothing ever will be now. It just can't happen.
Cal was discussed earlier.
Reggie/Mark&Fritz... Nothing was there in the first place. No feelings whatsoever. LOL! THAT is funny to me.
"And you'on know nann, nann, nann
That's off the chain like me
That'll floss the thang like me
Have you feenin' like Jodeci!"
Trina, "Nann"
So, now that I've gotten the main (and not 'bout nothin') niggas from last year out my system, I can really get to movin' on. So, this is the official point where I stop referencing, thinking about (which I haven't done much at all of), reminiscing, whatever of niggas from last year or my past period. It's time to have new memories and new daydreams.
"I'm moving on
Moving on, moving on
I'll be moving on
Moving on, moving on
I'll be moving on"
Mya, "Moving On"