"I drew a line! I drew a line for you!"
2004-01-08 - 9:12 a.m.
Woke up this morning, singing:
"Look at the stars
Look how they shine for you
And everything you do
And they were all yellow"
Coldplay, "Yellow"
I love that song. Yes, I was a Coldplay fan waaaaaaay before all the hype. Thanks.
I'm thinking...
Mmm-hmm. Okay. I think I will.
I think I will also use this space as a journal for my participation in the National Body Challenge. So, hopefully up until April, I will be talking about my progress during the National Body Challenge. This should include talk about my exercising (which I've already been doing), eating habits, mental struggles and successes.
I'm trying to use words like "hopefully" and "will" and "success" so that I get into a positive frame of mind about the whole thing. Projects like this, I usually sabotage myself before they start by being "realistic" and setting myself up for failure. I ain't tryna do that this time. No sirree.
So, I ate pretty well yesterday all on my own. It's just amazing to see how I eat spaghetti now as opposed to how I would eat it when I was much heavier (i.e. 220+ pounds - I'm 173 today.). I used to eat 2 HUGE (I'm talkin' wide in circumference and piled high-high-high) plates of spaghetti back to back, like nothing. I'd eat one and, without even taking a break, go fix the next plate. I wasn't even that stuffed at that point, just felt I should stop.
Now, I start out with half a plate. There's no mountain of spaghetti anymore. It's flat, like the plate. I eat that and gauge where my stomach is full-wise. If I'm full-full, I won't get anymore. If I'm feeling fullish, I'll go get just a little bit more. LOL. No more of that after Saturday though.
I was lying in bed, imagining eating a Reese's or some other piece of chocolate - and I'm not even a chocolate fan. I just love me some Reese's though. But I guess I just kept myself busy until I forgot about my craving. I didn't put anything but water in my mouth after dinner.
I "lazed" around in the bed until I felt bad about being lazy. Got up to get on the mill. Mind you, the treadmill is in my bedroom (there's an explanation for that). It's just so hard to get up on that thang when there's a tv right next to the bed that's telling you to watch the Food Network and 106&Park, etc.
But I got up anyway. Decided I was just gonna walk at a comfortable pace, and that's what I did. I watched The Mole (I think it's Dennis Rodman) while I walked. That was very effective. There was no boredom while I was 'millin' it last night. It just made me realize how much more exercise I'm getting when I walk at a faster pace though.
I did over 100 crunches again. I was really feeling 'em this time (since I did 'em all on the floor) but I pressed on, didn't let a lil' pain stop me. I also threw in some leg raises and squats and arm exercises too. I got a good overall workout last night. I'm proud of myself.
I got in the bed to go to sleep and I was thinking back on this situation I ended up in at the end of October. It was basically like a Prince Charming type thing that I wasn't even looking for. It came out of the blue. Like, for real. But it was "only for one night", like Luther Vandross said. Even though I had told myself I wasn't gonna get caught up in it, I did.
I was hurt about it for like two weeks after that (which is an absolute eternity for me to be sad about a guy). What I did was take the situation with Cal to the Lord and I left it there. For real. One day, I was talking to God and I said, "Lord, I'm bringing this burden to you and I'm leaving it in your care."
It worked. For real. I didn't forget about Cal but I didn't remember him either. I wasn't sitting around reminiscing about it anymore or anything. The only reason I really remembered it at all is because I was reading through one of my journals the other day (I think Tuesday) and I read about the incident with Cal and the feelings I had days after.
I realized that the only thing that was still "bothering" me ('cause it was just like a what-if feeling) the most about it was that I didn't get to tell him why that whole thing bothered me. I didn't get to (and even if I had the chance, probably wouldn't) express to Cal what left a bad taste in my mouth about that whole situation.
So, as I laid in bed last night, I talked to "Cal" too. No, he wasn't in my bed last night. No, I wasn't on the phone with him. I have a way to contact him that I don't use but is burned into my brain even though I'd rather it not be. I haven't spoken with him since then. I don't want to, either. I just wanted the chance to get what was in my heart, out of my heart.
(Clarification: I was just talking out loud. I didn't actually speak to "Cal" himself. Anyone else in the room would have seen me basically talking to myself.)
As I calmly explained everything to "Cal", I felt like a little storage cube of my heart had been cleaned out. I felt another little splash of peace. It must have been real good to me 'cause the next thing I remember is waking up this morning. LOL.
But that's what I'm gonna do with things that bother me from now on. God is there to take my pain. He's there to absorb my hurt. So, like he wants me to do, I'm going to use him as my landing pad. When I'm falling - hurt, confused, sad, whatever - I'm gonna fall on God. I'm gonna let him cushion my fall. I'm gonna let him bear my burdens, 'cause that's what he's there for. That's what he said in his word. And if I don't take anybody else's word, I take the word of God.
After I leave my burdens in his care, I will then face them on my own. I will allow myself to blow up about it, yell and scream about it, cry about it (if I can 'cause I can't cry. I try but the tears won't come.) - whatever I have to do about it that can be done in the presence of myself and God, I will do.
After that, I will move the hell on. "Ain't nothin' to see here folks." LOL! That's what I'll tell the imaginary people in my room. LOL!! Then I'll be able to go on with my life knowing that I've allowed myself the opportunity to react to the situation and that it will be left in the past.
The past cannot be changed. It's taken me 23 years to realize this. LOL!!! But at least now I know.
It's something, though, 'cause I know that every guy I've dealt with always comes back to me when I'm not expecting them. Every one. I remember one night, I said to myself, "If I see Kareem (a dude from the past that I had no reason to ever expect to see again in this life) tonight, I'ma know God is playing with me."
Never challenge God. I've learned that. I will not say that I will do something I don't want to do involving God if God makes such and such happen, because he will make it happen. I have been made a fool of before because I decided to challenge God. My friends and family have been made fools as well. That's all I need to see for me to know that I need not challenge God. Nor test him.
Needless to say, I saw Kareem. In the most out-of-the-way situation too. Had no reason to be where I was, who I was with. But that was the situation... Just the memory of that is having me like "whoa" right now. LOL!! Okay, moving on.
But for real, I don't know where I'm at right now. What else to say about it. I just know that it's off my chest and I literally feel a little more light-hearted than I did yesterday. LOL.
I can't believe that all these years, I've been living, holding onto past hurts and pains instead of letting them go. Like, DUH!
You don't know me...
Shit, half the time, I don't know my-damn-self! LMAO!!!
A Warm Embrace...
2004-01-07 - 3:06 p.m.
Mmmmmm...
"I just can't help feeling the way I feel
Boy, let me show you this love is real
I just can't help feeling the way I feel
The things you do to me
Boy, I love you"
Faith Evans, "I Just Can't"
Mayn, I love that song! LOL! Well, not really the whole-whole song (me, not loving a whole-whole Faith Evans song?!?! Yeah, I said it! It was only for a soundtrack anyway!), but I really like the way she says, "I just can't".
I just read the phrase "I just died" and "I just can't" is what came to my mind! LOL!!! THAT is funny!!! LMAO!!!!!
Okay, I'm back. LOL. For real. No more laughing. LOL!!!
But the "I just died" had something to do with the person dealing with a love situation. And me? I was like, "oh hell to da naw! won't be me!". That's just how my mind works.
But since I'm doing two entries a day these days...might as well keep up the trend, eh?
I was talking to a friend I haven't seen in a while today and I was telling her a few of the things about me that are kind of different now. She said to me, "Oh that's very neo-soulish of you." LOL!!!! That's really the way she talks though!
But it just made me think about the things that I'm doing. I don't want to be doing anything just to fit in with the ideas of what "neo-soul" is. You know? In the same way, I don't want anyone looking at me, thinking I'm trying to be India.Arie or Erykah Badu, 'cause that is just not the case.
I was riding my momma around the other day and I said to her, "Now mommy (yes, I still call her mommy), I don't want you thinking that I'm doing anything to follow any trends 'cause I'm not. I'm about to be doing some things that may seem kinda different to you but they are things I've been wanting to do for a while. They just feel right to me. So, bear with me."
She said, "Girl, ain't nobody questioning what you doing! You grown. You do what you want."
I like that.
I just feel more comfortable with myself more than I ever have before so I feel more confident in going out and doing some of the things I want to do to be the kind of person I want to be.
I want to burn incense and use oils and meditate and have long locs and healthy, natural nails and wear skirts that I make out of old torn-up jeans and wear sandals and just...be natural.
For too long, I feel like, better yet I know that, I have been hiding behind fake hair and acrylic nails and popular clothing brands and painful heels and the like. I've let Gucci Rush and Angel have a part in explaining the type of female I am rather than being that female.
After reading what I just wrote, it does seem that I could be considered to be following trends but, since I was a little girl, I've been wanting to experience just being natural, just being me. Just being A***r. But because the "right" thing to do was to have a perm at 5, that's what I got. And that's the reason my hair never growed to more than 6 inches.
I remember the big fuss over British Knights when they were popular. That's where the "having to have what everybody else has even though I ain't got the means to have it" started. I never really could keep up with fashion 'cause we was so broke but I made do. I was never satisfied with what I had 'cause I really believed I had to have what everybody else had but I didn't complain. Just felt left-out a lot.
I've always admired independent people. Those who step to the beat of their own personal damn drum. It always seemed to me like they were the ones most in fashion rather than the people who were popular on television.
I wanna be an independent too dammit! I want to go against the pressure to have this or that or look like this or that. I just want to look like who I am. I want to be who I am. Abandoning all this extra stuff is what's gonna help me to do that.
It also helps me to appreciate my friends more. My family, they have to love me. Ain't none of 'em got a choice! 'Cause they family! (That's right! I said that too! LOL!). But my friends. They're all very supportive. Some of them have even told me that they wish they had the courage to do what I'm doing too.
I think they also appreciate that I ain't tryna change them. I still give people perms with all this natural hair up in my head. I still go shopping with them at the mall to pick out the latest fashions, I just don't buy none of it. I respect their decisions just as I would hope they would respect mine.
I'm just glad that I'm finally getting to a point where I'm starting to do the things I want to do. Most of my life, I avoided doing me just so I wouldn't offend anyone else. No more.
2004 is starting out to be the weirdest year for me in the best kind of way. I made no resolutions. Just a lot of unconscious decisions. And they're all revealing themselves to me like everyday. LOL.
By the way, there were two things that have been doubled for me. This always happens to me, where I'll see/hear/read something for the first time EVER and then I'll see/hear/read it again and again right after. Well, these two things (one, I remember. the other, I don't.) have each been shown to me twice (one, I saw/heard/read yesterday and then I saw/heard/read it today. the other, I read twice today.). I take these kinds of occurences as signs that something memorable is getting ready to happen...
We'll see. You don't know me.
Tick, tock, tick, tock...
2004-01-07 - 8:33 a.m.
�I guess I'll, I guess I'll wait
Aww yeah
I�m gonna wait on you, my dear
Even if it, even if it takes a thousand years
I believe that love, I believe that love
I know that something�s gonna work out for us baby, baby, baby yeah
Forever baby
I�m gonna wait on you
And I hope that you feel like I do
It�s so hard for me, baby, to grab my own watch
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick
Tick, then tock� Raphael Saadiq, �Tick, Tock� (the adlib at the end)
I was riding to work this morning jamming hard on that part of the song. I think I played that part 'bout three times! It just makes me so happy and makes me look forward to some real love.
I also realized this morning, on my way to work, that I made the decision to be peaceful this year. I made the decision to allow God to fill me with peace everywhere I go and to not let things stress me out. Man, does it feel good. I go to sleep with no worries and wake up the same every day. Thank God for his peace.
I went to sit with the kids last night. Every Tuesday, I volunteer at a type of foster facility for children that have been removed from their homes for whatever reasons - mostly abuse and neglect. I've been doing this for going on 3 years now. I love it. That's one of the things I look forward to every week.
For the past couple of months, I've been going for 3 hours instead of my usual 2. I do 2 when school is in session and the students from my alma mater volunteer. They're still on break until the end of the month so I'll be doing 3 hours for a few more weeks. I like it better this way, though, 'cause I get to dedicate an hour to the babies (4 ranging in age from 5 to 11 months) and then 2 hours to the children (14 ranging in age from 2 to 8). I take a movie and a snack for the kids when I go. They see me, they start asking for the popcorn. Even the 2-year-old. LOL!
I love being around them. They cuddle up to you and if they get hurt, they come to you. Whatever they need that they can't get at the facility (a hug, your lap, a kiss, swung around, a back to climb), they come to you.
They always make me feel better if I am feeling down. But sometimes, like last night, I end up feeling down because of them.
I sit there sometimes and feed and rock the babies to sleep or sit and watch the movie or run around with the kids and I, not feel my biological clock ticking, but I just feel like I'm missing out on something.
And that's crazy! to me 'cause I'm only 22. I have no reason to be having kids anytime soon. But I want them, nonetheless.
I always wonder if I'll be able to have kids. I don't know why, but I used to think that I might end up infertile. I have had a bunch of thyroid issues. I was under a lot of emotional stress which physically affected me over the course of a few years... I just would sit and think about what would happen if I were infertile. There is no doubt that I would adopt, but damn. I would like to have my own kids. I want to be pregnant one day.
I also think about what I would do if I had a handicapped child. I think I'd be really good with a handicapped child 'cause I have a lot of patience and my main objective in dealing with children is to show them love...
I don't know. Just sitting there with 'Lisa on my right and 'Lina on my left, 'Yanna scrunched up and Gi on the edge over there, made me kinda lonely. Like, damn, I want me and my kids to be sittin' like this one day.
But there's something I need to do before I find myself in that situation - have a man. I won't say "find a man" 'cause the Bible says that "a man findeth a good woman" so I ain't got no business out there lookin' for no man. But yet and still, I do want to be in love with a man before I bring children into my life. That's just me. I mean, if it comes around to 35 and I'm still walkin' 'round here single, I'm just gon' submit the paperwork and garner me some churrens. But until then, I pray that I do have a male companion in my life.
I'm still not lonely. I just want to make that clear. But I do think a lot about the days that I will raise my children. And I look forward to that more than anything else in life. I pray that day comes soon but I also pray that when that day comes, I am prepared to raise a family - mentally, spiritually, physically, financially.
And about last night... LOL! I wanted to get on the 'mill (the treadmill) but those kids really wear me out sometimes. I did do 110 crunches (mostly on the floor - I will be doing them on the floor from now on, as I felt that the real crunch is done on a flat surface.). I also did 50 good squats and some other thigh exercises. Thing is, the workout made me hungry since I hadn't eaten in forever so I had to make me a sammich. I also had to follow up the sammich with two chocolate chip cookies.
Okay, okay! I didn't have to have the cookies, but I did and they made me happy. LOL!
Lord, I pray I have the discipline and the willpower to complete this body challenge. It doesn't end 'till April. I feel my biggest challenge will be the alcohol. Not that I'm an alcoholic, but I do have a high tolerance so one drink just ain't gon' hit it for me.
New Year's Eve I had 8 ounces of straight Parrot Bay, 'bout the same amount of Cisco, two margaritas (one, straight alcohol) and a huge coconut rum/pineapple drink. After all that, I still wasn't drunk. And a female was really tryna get lit New Year's Eve!
But yeah, back to the body challenge. I only drink when I go out. I usually go out twice a week - Friday and Saturday night. I believe this body challenge is kinda strict with the calories and all that. So, I ain't gon' have the leeway to be having drinks (especially mixed drinks which can run a good 500 calories) without kinda messin' things up. So, I'ma try not to drink during this challenge. It's gonna be hard though, I ain't gon' lie. But at least I'll save me some money!! LOL!
You don't know me.
Dark Chocolate
2004-01-06 - 3:59 p.m.
Yes, I am leaving all niggas from the past, in the past, but I just want to make sure I make note of Reggie. I don't think I've ever actually written down the whole thing about him.
He's D's cousin. I met D my freshman year of college. Her roommate, S, used to tell me about D's fine cousin. She had given him the name "Dark Chocolate". She said he was the only guy who actually left her speechless just from seeing him.
She had gone to D's house for a holiday dinner and, upon meeting DC, she had nothing to say. Couldn't even build up the strength to say, "hi". She said all she could do was stare at him.
That was my freshman year. Fastforward to my sophomore year...
There was a big step show at my U. Most of the participants were from surrounding colleges and universities. One sorority had an Egyptian theme to their showcase. There was a girl being carried by two fine men in nothing but togas. We was all screamin' and hootin' and hollerin'! LOL!!!
Come to find out, one of the guys was Dark Chocolate. So, I finally got to see what all the fuss was about. He looked damn good from what I could see! Whoo goodness! What a specimen...
Fast forward to my junior year...
Me and my friends always ended up on South Beach my junior year. We lived on South Beach! LOL. Every weekend, we were out there at some club gettin' in free and drinking free and just wilin' out. It seemed like every four times we went, we'd bump into DC. Not everytime. Every four times. Okay, maybe even every 5 times. My girl D would always speak to DC but I would never say anything because I automatically assumed he was cocky or whatever.
Fast forward to my senior year... LOL.
In December of 2002, DC's grandmother passed away. He was really torn up about it. The day of the funeral, D came over to my house. She said a bunch of her other cousins were going over to DC's house to comfort him. At the time, he lived in an efficiency (completely acceptable because he was a full-time college student). She asked me to come along with her, so I went.
We got there and it was only DC, D's brother and D's other cousin, Plastic Cap (I can never forget why he has this name!!! Maybe one day I'll tell the story.). They were gettin' ready to smoke.
We were all just chillin', talkin, laughin', watchin' tv... So, we finally left.
I told D I wanted her to get me in contact with DC 'cause I wanted to smoke one time just to see what it was like. I just like to have experiences like that sometimes. So, numbers were exchanged and me and DC ended up settin' up a time for me to come over and whatnot.
The night I was supposed to go over there, I ended up out with my girls. He fell asleep anyway. So, it ain't work out.
The next time we set up, I was gonna go out with him and his friends to a poetry spot and then me and him were gonna go to his house after to smoke. Ended up, nobody went out. I went and got a movie and headed over to his house.
Got there, me, him, and the HorseDog (that dog was huge! Might as well have been a damn horse.) got in the car to go get the stuff. Our conversation was easy and very friendly. Turned out, we had a lot in common. More than I ever would have thought. He wasn't cocky or arrogant at all.
We got back to the house and I watched him for a while and then I went ahead and did it. He didn't believe I had never smoked before 'cause I didn't cough, I was inhaling and swallowing like a pro. I don't know why. I never had done it before. Well, I did do shotgun but I messed around and damn-near coughed up a lung doing that.
But anyway, back to the story. So, we smokin'. We finished one between the both of us (I think I had more than him. LOL). I laid down at the very bottom of the bed, curled up in a ball. He told me I could lay on the rest of the bed up there with him, it was okay. So, I went on up there. I thought I was laying on a kitchen counter and he kept acting like he was gonna push me off even though I was between him and the wall on the bed. That stuff really does make you paranoid.
So, I grabbed his arm and we wrestled a lil' bit. How they say, "one thing led to another"...
I knew what was going on the whole time though. I wasn't afraid and I think that's why I was so comfortable with what was about to happen. Add to that the nigga is foine and, well, the rest is history. LOL!!!
I was, at first, a little disappointed because he was smaller than I ever expected. But he knew how to work with what he had, so it was a whole buncha fun! LOL. No pain. No bleeding. No soreness. Yeah, I was very lucky my first time. For real.
We messed around one more time after that but I cut him off 'cause he seemed to be gettin' a little attached. I ain't tryna say I got the bomb * but I will say that this all happened in February 2003 and I'm still fielding calls from him.
I just wanted to get this down in print so I can read it and remember that night. I also wanna remember that I did, one day, really desire him. LOL. 'Cause it's just not there anymore. Now, when I see him, I'm only seeing like a good guy friend. Nothing more.
Maybe one day I'll tell him what he could never even guess.
You don't know me.
Pizza Pizza!!! And 9 months...
2004-01-06 - 8:30 a.m.
I forgot to mention, it's been 9 months since I had any real "interaction" like that. Mark was the last one. LOL! At least it was a great send-off!
Yeah, that's how it would happen for me: I'd start and go with a damn-near vengeance and then go into a major drought. LOL.
I had the chance last month, just didn't feel like it so I said no. Guess I didn't want to end the year with some no-relationship stuff.
And what's funny is that I used to say, once I started, that's all I would want - some no-strings-attached type dealings. But I'm too selfish for that. I need some on-demand stuff and you can't really truly get that outside of a relationship.
But whatever.
So I'm about to do the Discovery Channel Health National Body Challenge starting January 10th. I'm mentally ready for it this time. My hair and my nails have prepared me as far as patience and dedication and self-discipline are concerned, so I think I'd do well on this 3-month program.
I called myself starting with the healthy eating yesterday. I did well during the day at work. I even had my dinner all planned out. But once I got home and saw that leftover lasagna in the fridge, it was all over. I ate my healthy curry chicken and rice. Then, I started out with a little of the lasagna. Ate that. It was just too good and I knew nobody else in the house would eat it so I went ahead and helped myself to the rest. Man, was it good! LOL. I followed that up with two big biscuits.
It's weird 'cause I be eating so fast that the food doesn't even get a chance to make it to my stomach before I'm putting something else in my mouth. Then, when I'm done, I'm so stuffed my stomach is swollen but I'm still thinking about what else I can find to munch on.
I need some discipline and I need someone to help me understand that I don't have to be stuffed like a turkey to say I had a good meal. I want to learn how to taste and keep it moving... Hopefully, I can get that kind of assistance with this Discovery Channel thing.
One thing I can give myself credit for is I got up on that treadmill and burned over 600 calories. 628 to be exact, I think. LOL. I got on and I started. I was very tired around 20 minutes but Brandy ("Full Moon" album) was helping me along. I got to 30 minutes and I really was gonna stop.
One thing about Black people though is that once we've put our time towards something we want, we won't just get up and leave after a reasonable time.
For example, a concert. Black artists are so late, especially to concerts in a club. Nevertheless, if Black fans got there on time and have already been waiting an hour, they'll justify it to themselves to wait "ten more minutes" since they "already waited an hour". Might as well wait ten, fifteen, thirty, forty-five, fifty-five minutes more. What the hey! We'll just wait 2.5 hours for the concert to start.
But after that, we leaving if they here or not!
So that's what I did on the treadmill last night. I said to myself, "Well, you already done went 30 minutes. Just focus on Brandy's voice and push on girl!" So, that's what I did. I ended up doing damn-near an hour and ten minutes up on that piece.
And for the first time in my life, I did 100 crunches. I did 'em on the bed but I still felt the burn. It wasn't as hard as I thought, because of the cushion from the bed, I'm sure. I'ma do 100 every night 'till it hurts so bad, I can't do any. I'll give myself that day to rest and the next day, I'll pick it right back up.
Once I finished on the treadmill, I sat down to paint my toenails and MTV Cribs came on. They were featuring Russel and Kimora Simmons' house and a football player from the Jets.
Even if I had that kind of money, I don't think I could get into all that pomp and circumstance. Half the furniture was Versace. All these "one of three"s and "one of two"s and "the only"s. A movie theater complete with fake ticket taker and marquee. Rooms so big that voices just echo for days. The little girls basically got a house for they playroom. It's just too much.
I guess 'cause I don't even see myself having a house for 'bout ten years. For some reason, I just feel like I'ma be travelling forever and a day because of whatever career I'm destined to have. I surely don't see myself settling down and having a family before ten years is up. So, I'm prepared to just live out of hotels and my suitcases (which will not be Louis Vuitton, by the way).
I want money but I don't want the material things. I think if I had the money for a Bentley, I'd still only get a Cadillac Sedan Deville. And I wouldn't put no rims on it and all that. I'll just have it tinted up (no smoke-gray tints), get a nice system up in there. That's about it.
No Louis Vuitton and Coach purses. I don't need a purse to tell someone that I have more money than they think I do. I don't care how much money people think I have, long as they know that my money is money, just like everyone else's money is money.
I'm all about having money in the bank, forget wearing it.
I had the weirdest dream that my mother called in sick to work and told me to go take her place. She's second in command at her job so she has a lot of responsibilities. The one thing about her job that was holding me up and causing me the most grief was that she had ordered five $2 pizzas from Pizza Hut that I had to pay for with some money she left me.
Thing is, I couldn't find the right delivery man to give the money to. There were quite a few and, even though I wasn't the one who picked up the pizzas, I was the one who had to pay the deliveryman. I finally found him after going to about three other deliverymen. In my pocket, as payment, I had 5 (maybe 6) double-A batteries...
He told me that any other time, he could take them. But I'd have to give him money as was stated in the agreement my mother had written up between Pizza Hut and herself. So I had to go back up to the 17th floor where she works and get the money.
I guess I was so incompetent with the pizza man that she decided to come on into work 'cause she was there by the time I got back up to her floor. She gave me $30 to pay the man with. I gave her $8 back. I wanted to give him a $12 (but not $20) tip for being so patient. On the way back down to him, I got on a crowded elevator where a girl told me something I had was pretty. I was getting ready to step off the elevator when I woke up.
Yeah, it was weird. LOL.
Well, I have things to do today. Maybe by the end of the day, I'll come back...
These entries are gonna be waaaaaaay long on here and that's just fine with me.
Left Behind.
2004-01-05 - 2:44 p.m.
So, for the new year, I decided I was gonna leave behind all thoughts of trifling niggas and even niggas that I just had a thing for but I realize it's best that I leave thoughts of them in the past.
This includes:
Jerramy - the first guy I thought I loved. He came and went in 2002. LOL! But we still keep in contact. Or at least we did. I won't ever contact him again in life.
Damian - He was the first guy I called myself "would have let love me" if he wasn't so wrapped up in this girl K at the time. We parted ways in 2001 when he moved to New York but he called me up a few weeks ago and I went and saw him last week right before the new year. Yeah, wow. But he has to stay in the past too.
Reggie - My first. The nigga I lost my virginity too. A cool guy. I'm just not interested in him like that. If it wasn't for the weed, he'd never have been in my life. Ain't that sumthin? Smoked weed for the first time and lost my virginity at the same time... LOL. I don't regret it though. I feel like, in my situation, the circumstances were perfect. I can't think of another way I would have wanted it to happen.
Mark/Fritz - these two... Not really anything. Mark is the one-night stand twice and Fritz is his friend. Fritz is into me but needs a prescription for Viagra and Mark is just what I'm looking for physically (at least from the groin up - he's a little short [only in height, baby!] for my tastes) but just doesn't have his shit together in life. They're fun to hang around but that's it.
I went into this year determined not to be sad or lonely and so far it's working. The only problem I have is when I'm in the bed at night and surely wouldn't mind a nigga next to me to push all up on. I would get a vibrator but they're expensive and, being that I live with my parents, I wouldn't truly feel comfortable or be in a position to take full advantage of one. So, for now, the moveable showerhead works just fine.
My weekend was very relaxing. I basically just did some sleeping and such. Well, that's a lie.
Friday after work, I finally ran into an incense man! I picked up some Jasmine, Egyptian Musk and Black Coconut incense. I also found some Egyptian Musk oil, which I have been feenin' for since 2002. LOL! Friday night, I did sleep. Early. 8:00pm, early. I got up Saturday morning and went and cooked breakfast at my uncle's church. They have an annual Prayer Breakfast the first Saturday of each year. It was more enjoyable than I thought it would be.
My mom and one of my aunts and I stopped off at a few family members' houses and then I headed out to get my oil changed (finally!). Right after, I went and got my locs twisted. I just started locing my hair in November so this was the first time I went to have my hair done since then. I love the shop. It's in the back of a house and there are children running around, selling lemonade. It's real relaxed up in there. I love it.
I came home and got a call from D saying that she wanted to get out of her house for the evening. So, we went down to South Beach. First stop was Wet Willie's. I had an Attitude Adjustment that had me singing "Hotel California" with a lil' boy in front of a bar and that "paved paradise to put up a parking lot" song with a homeless man. LOL! Ended the night at Miami Subs tearing up some chicken wings! Oooh, them suckas was good and they hit the spot.
Got home around 12:30am (maaaaad early for me on a Saturday night! But I was tired anyway...)
Sunday morning, got up and went to Sunday School. I can't stand being around my aunt 'cause she is such a negative person. Ugh!!!
Came home and slept - HARD. I scare myself when I sleep hard like that. Got up and cleaned out my car (my poor baby). Did some culinary work and hung up clothes. That took me into the late evening. LOL. I finally fell asleep after midnight.
I was fixing the blinds in my room when I thought about wanting a nigga to call at night before I went to bed. It took me back to my miserable high school times. Not school. School was fun. It was being home and lonely that wasn't. I used to wish and pray that I would just have someone to call before I went to sleep at night.
Well, I did end up having an ex-convict call me that I had met online. We never met in person though. He was very cool though. He'd call me between 1am and 3am. He always asked me "was you sleep?" I'd always say, "no" in my groggiest voice. LOL! Them was the days though! Honestly, it's because of him that I know how conversations like that should really go. Comfort and laughs. I used to miss him but I haven't for a while.
Well, my life is pretty boring these days. Get up, go to work, go home. The weekends are usually a little exciting. Nothing happens during the weeks but they don't drag by either. This week might prove to be a little fun. We'll see.
You don't know me.
Hallo.
2004-01-05 - 2:21 p.m.
Hi Diary.
I left you behind in one place but we're already back together again in the same day! LOL. I don't think I'm going to refer to you as "Diary" anymore but know that you still mean as much to me, nonetheless.
It's the beginning of 2004 and I'm 22 about to be 23 two weeks from today. I'm a young lady coming into myself. Last year was my year of discovery where men where concerned. I went on my first dates ever right before the end of 2002 and those meetings carried over into 2003. I lost my virginity to a casual acquaintance that I later remembered to be a fantasy of mine that started in 1999. I smoked weed three times. I had a one-night stand twice whom I still have on reserve. LOL!
Wait, wait. I haven't hardly said anything about myself and here I am spouting off my sexual history. Well, shit. This is who I am. Because of my weight and consequent self-esteem issues, I never had the opportunities to express the level of sensuality that has always existed within me. But, as of last year, that has changed and I have discovered a whole new side to me.
Ah, I know why I mentioned all this about me first. My sensual side is a really big part of who I am. It directs many of my thoughts, feelings, actions, decisions... It really is a big part of me. So, it's important that I address it first. Additionally, it's a part of me that is very hidden from my public life so Diaryland is the best place to get it all out.
This is not to say that my Diary is going to be a recounting of my past experiences, but most likely, it will be a place where I acknowledge what does happen in my future.
This Diary is for my thoughts, feelings, questions to myself and perhaps a few other random observations. I am not a writer, never have been. I'm not a philosopher, I don't like discussions unless they are with folk who know my background enough to really talk about something with me. I'm not here to be judged.
I'm just here to give a space to whatever is in my mind. Sometimes, it gets too much to be carrying around, so I need a place to put it down.
My thoughts are rarely coherent and seldom follow an understandable pattern. I say this only to let anyone who stumbles across this know that I am not type-type-typing away to be understood by the outside. I am typing only to understand myself.
Okay, that's it. For now anyways.
You don't know me.