Sunday, Nov. 05, 2023 - 8:44 p.m.

Terrace Martin and James Fauntleroy's "Withcraft" is like my theme song. Or at least that's what I think in my head. LOL It feels like my theme song.

Man, it's been almost a month since I posted. Life be Lifing! LAWD.

This professional development program.... Goodness gracious. With that and everything else, I am just completely wiped and tapped out. There's about a month left for it and I am ready for it to be over. Super grateful for the experience! But it's actually making me realize....I just want to live. I don't want to be in pursuit, I don't want to strive, I just want to live. I want to help others in my everyday life in organic ways.

Being part of something is not necessarily anything I need. I like the access, I like being in the know. But I'd just rather continue experiencing those things coming to me rather than me working to seek them out. Plus I don't have the time or energy. I don't know how these people keep up with this lifestyle - because it is a lifestyle in and of itself. I don't believe I am willing to make the necessary sacrifices. So I'ma just continue to make my impact from where I am.

Life has been good otherwise. Financially, Life is amazing! I've been getting checks and costs covered and all kinda stuff. I got the first half of my annual bonus on Friday. Whoa. I felt I was being ungrateful about it because after paying my property taxes and the six month car insurance policy for my mom's car and my car, I wasn't left with sooooo much money. I certainly expressed genuine gratitude for the resources to pay off my property taxes and car insurance. Like, 100 percent, I'm absolutely grateful for this blessing and the way God has positioned MyLife. My brain is wired so differently when it comes to money, so I did allow space for my brain to say, "well dang, almost all the money is gone." But I did catch myself and admonish myself for thinking that way. I'm beating myself up because I had human thoughts, which I am human.... But yeah, I'm trying to do better about acknowledging what is instead of always looking for or at how things could have been.

I'm not perfect, never will be.

I'm learning to see myself that way - imperfect. I can't wait until I embrace being imperfect rather than criticizing all of my imperfections.

I got a beautiful lesson yesterday - UM pin vs UM lego figurine. It was in line with the perfect/imperfect gratitude. God is gonna get his message across, period. And I so appreciate that.

Yesterday was the last class session for the development program. I went to see my aunt in the hospital afterwards. She is in rough shape but surviving. I feel like any regular person would definitely not have made it this far. Particularly in her condition. But she is so strong-willed, she is keeping herself alive. LOL God is the one doing it but boy, that lady is as there as she can be. Tapping into her meanness pulls her into the moment fully. It's such an interesting thing. I asked her what time she goes to sleep last night: "When I want to." This, from someone who was having the hardest time focusing, being fully alert, and, most importantly, speaking at all. LOL She is something else. It's hard, going to see her when the facilities she has been in for the past two months are far away as hell. But I go when I can. God is there at all times, so that's what's most important.

The time has changed and I am so sleepy. But intent on finishing this post. Even though I don't have anything so specific I want to get out.

This week I should be home more than I have been in a while. So I will come back and do another post, maybe Monday or Tuesday. The time has changed so it's dark right after work for the time being. That means no park walks after work. :( So I should have time to write another post very soon.

Lord, please continue to give me strength to make it through these days. Only you, Lord. Only you.

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