"But you know that a king is only a man... With his flesh and bones, he bleeds just like you do."
Wednesday, Jan. 31, 2024 - 1:25 a.m.
I fucked up.
Thought that nigga right up into existence. I be forgetting I have that ability.
I went to the doctor yesterday and got a full ess tee dee panel. The results started coming in this morning. I'd taken tests before but anything can happen so I still had worries about results. The worries were because of SJ so he crossed my mind.
When I left my house to go for a lunchtime walk, a car passed with someone who could have looked like him. I thought of how interesting it would be if that was. Then I went walking and noticed how my text messages are still coming in silently. I'd put that setting in place because of the foolishness around texting SJ. Then while walking, there was someone sitting in their car with their young son playing outside of it. That gentleman could have looked like SJ too. And he was staring at me. So I thought again of how interesting it would be if that was him.
Later in the afternoon, he was still on my mind. While juicing limes, I thought of how SJ was the absolutely antithesis to anything I'd ever want in a man in every way. But because I was so broken at the time, I fell right on into that mess. Jumped, even, as an escape. I thought about how broken we both were and how it was just the perfect storm of brokenness on both accounts. Then this evening, the results I was looking for came through. Checked them and thank God, they are still what I wanted to see. Thank God. So I researched my photos to see if a screenshot I'd taken long ago was still there with his phone number. It was but I didn't zoom in because I didn't want to be reminded of his phone number. M
Then I moved on with my night and thoughts. Was busy in wha.tsa.pp with someone when I noticed the text icon at the top of my phone screen. It was late so I was curious who would be texting.
SJ.
Now that was a surprise. Mainly because that fool was so heavy on my mind today. Like, I literally thought of him until I thought him up. Hadn't heard a peep from him since August.
Not sure what triggered him to reach out but it's crazy it would happen today. Of all days. Wow.
I calmly let him have it. Did not let up one time. Pressure was too much, said he's not going to bother me again. Time will tell.
I could block him but I get more satisfaction reminding him that he is not free to move about this world, free of the thought of how he damaged others; and by others, I mean me. Everytime he chooses to test the temperature on my end, I want him to feel it is 38 HOTT.
I'm over it all and living with the consequences of my actions. Glad to be on the other side of whatever mental illness I was experiencing while fucking with him. Grateful for the peace I have now and I look forward to cultivating more of it.