"Looking for a friend youuuu can keeeep..."
Sunday, Feb. 04, 2024 - 5:32 p.m.
In hindsight, I'm understanding SJ was planning to lean on me for emotional support. He experienced two major losses in the first months of 2022. (Always admitted we were both broken.) He didn't reach out from curiosity as to how I'm doing or nostalgia about any of the time we spent. He was looking for either a distraction from his thoughts about his losses or to create space with me to support his mental health in the days to come.
Looked back over some things and recalled he was trying to contact me last year around the time of his second loss. I didn't catch on then. But this time, I was curious as to the motivation. Because there had to be an ulterior motive. Someone like him, there just had to be. And sure enough, the pieces came together and it all made sense.
He can support himself. Or find someone else to support him. I don't have to. I don't owe him anything, even if he is a child of God, like me. SJ means me no good. He is not in any way attempting to bring goodness into my life. He is only out for himself. So he can take care of himself or someone else can take care of him.
My heart hurts for his losses. They were catastrophic and back-to-back. I felt bad for him and hoped he could have peace. Hoped he was getting peace from me.
But hindsight... Hindsight is so revealing. It uncovers all. I can feel the times I looked in his eyes and saw......nothing. I saw an incapacity to have empathy. To me, that's an incapacity to give it as well. In his eyes, I saw an existence focused on itself. His children, the mother of his children.... With some of what he said, can't imagine how they feel about him. His kids called at midnight to tell him happy birthday that time, so I imagine they love him. But I wonder if they feel he is a good person.
It's not my business; I just wonder. Because to me, he is not. To him, he is. I found it interesting he sounded surprised to hear I did not think he was a good person. Like sir, read the fawking room.
But back to the point. I excused so much of his behavior because I knew of his losses. I stayed engaged because I.... What did I hope, really? Other than my own escape? It's been some time but I do think I wanted to give him a little bit of peace. Not mine because I didn't have any at the time. But maybe he could find some in me.
And I probably thought after that, that when he reached out, he was seeking that peace. Maybe? I don't know, it's been some time. All I know is now that I have my own peace, I don't have to give him any of it. He doesn't deserve it. I am not obligated to give him any of it.
And so I won't.
I reblocked him. I don't have to leave the channel open to give him any bit of hell. I don't. He doesn't even deserve my hell.
Had some thoughts earlier that if he ever truly wants to make contact from a genuine place, he will. And it will be through actions, not text messages.