Friday, Dec. 29, 2023 - 12:08 a.m.

Had to clear up some space on my phone yesterday. It had been giving a warning that space was running out. So while still in the bed, I started chipping away at files.

It was a process at various points throughout the day. In the afternoon, I moved pics and videos of my late aunt in the various hospital rooms she was in over the past year. I took them out of my phone gallery and moved them to my laptop.

It's not to erase my aunt. But the images and videos of her in such poor condition, truly suffering... I don't want to think of her that way when I go back through photos in my phone. I want to remember her for her liveliness and sass. It was actually a bit traumatizing to even see so many images at one time yesterday.

What's interesting is so many in my life had no idea I was looking after my aunt in hospitals, went through hospice with her, or that she had passed. I didn't have time to even talk to people about it. I just had to do. There was so much going on in MyLife that all I had time to do, was do.

I feel traumatized. This was a traumatic year from that perspective. Sadly traumatic.

I don't want trauma in my life in 2024. I want ease...and peace...and joy. I know Life will happen. Things will happen. But I would like a year away from trauma. I feel like I've earned at least that.

I would like the rest of my life with no trauma but I know that is not feasible. So it will be nice to have a full year of quiet peace. Thank you, God, universe and my angels and ancestors. LOL

I haven't written since before my aunt's funeral. It was....rough. But special, like her. The hearst had to be split between two funerals so her casket was sitting in the lobby of the church for a good 20mins until the hearst came back to pick her up. Lawd. At the beginning of the service, after we viewed, her sister went up to close the casket with the funeral home staff. I was alright until the singer switched to a different song and sang, "When we allllll get togetherrrr, what a day of rejoicing that will beeeee!" LAWD!!! That broke me down. Then one of my aunt's nieces was in my row, two people down, hollering. Lawd, lawd. I burst out crying to the point I almost lost control. My mom had to comfort me (which she even admitted was something she is not used to having to do - LOL). My cousin came over to comfort me too (after her daughter told her - in shock - that I was crying). I got myself together quickly but it was in that moment that I realized how hard the loss of my aunt was on me. She was my aunt as long as I've been alive. I loved her. And it was so hard to see her get sick, watch her go through the loss of her daughter/my cousin, then watch her deteriorate so much to the point of death. Just hard hard hard. *deep sigh*

Ok 2024. Be good to me.

I've been off work for a few days. Took time off for the holidays. My back started hurting 3 days after my aunt's passing and hasn't stopped since. It was EXCRUCIATING the day of her funeral. So I'm pretty sure this is grief working through my body. I need to do some intentional work to release it. I'm able to walk, thank God. So I'm going to do a bit of that too.

2024 is just a couple days away. I don't feel ready for a new year but I know I'ma march into that bitch with my head held high.

My goal for next year is to focus on myself. My happiness, my peace, my well-being. I've given away so much of myself to others that took it, that needed it, that wanted it. Next year, gotta give me some me. I'm not doing anything for professional advancement. I am taking a year off that. Even at work, I will give what I need to and nothing more. Everyone else is able to be passive and make it - that's what I'ma do too. Hmph. I feel like I've done a lot towards professional development. I've earned an advanced degree, a professional certification, participated in two extended training programs (Six Sigma and Leader.sh.ip M****) plus many 1-hour trainings, committees, advisory boards, etc. I will be doing none of that in 2024. Just thought about, "Well, what if I'm requested to?" I may respectfully decline.

I need and deserve a break, professionally. I would like to just coast this year. No need for achievements. Please and thank you.

I am planning to make time for mindless activities - gardening, spas and also some travel and exploring things in which I have interest - music, art, dining out, etc. I just want to live in 2024. That's my goal. To LIVE. More living than thinking, to the good of all and the harm of none.

I'm excited about 2024. Looking forward to it. And enjoyment. :)

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