Sunday, Dec. 10, 2023 - 10:09 p.m.

12/9/23
I'm writing this from home.

There is significance in this.

I skipped a funeral today.

It was not my aunt's funeral, but the funeral of someone a segment of family is closely connected to. Historically, I would have attended. But I chose not to this time.

My aunt passed on December 1. She passed peacefully in her resting state. My mom, her sister and I were there the night before she passed. Her sister slept in the room overnight. My aunt passed in the morning while her sister slept. I am glad she is no longer suffering.

She was truly suffering. Makes me sad to think how much she went through. We were there for the last cleaning she received before she left this earth. There were bodily fluids and old blood. She was alive but not there at all, non-responsive. There is a smell that comes with death. In hindsight, the staff is familiar with it because they had a specific room deodorizer they kept spraying in my aunt's room (choking us in the process). That was a crazy experience. It's not that I haven't been through it before. This time around was just graphic and involved suffering which, thankfully my great-aunt Jen did not have much of.

In a way, I wish I was more emotionally expressive. This was a lot to go through. A lot. A lot to see, to hear, to feel, to touch, to smell. Overwhelming to experience. But I just pushed through and did it. No hiding from it. It was happening and had to be attended to so I simply did. But I feel it all in my spirit. It won't come out - it doesn't really come out. So from that standpoint, I wish I was more emotionally expressive.

I feel subconsciously, I think if I express it, I will fully break down or lose my mind. It's probably more about control than anything. But yeah. I'd like to clear my spirit of some of this feeling, these feelings and emotions. I feel like I need a deep cleansing. I may pursue something like this soon. A spiritual bath with care and intention.

Completely finished my program. I have so much mental relief. OMG. OMG, OMG, OMG! DONE!!! Whew! I can't believe I went through that whole 4 months. It's crazy. I was so over it at some point but was committed to seeing it through. I'm glad I'm done. It was just too much for me; for most. Whew. And doing it while supporting my aunt. My Lord. I don't understand my strength, stamina, nothing. Lord.

I'm so ready for mental, emotional and physical rest. It's time to just be quiet. So quiet.

Although I was certainly OUTSIDE this week. It's like freedom came right on time for art week. I took up an invite for a Monday evening art thing not far from my house. The invite was from the lady I met a couple of weeks ago at the liquor tasting. It turned out to be very exclusive, open bar, hoity toits. I was dressed regular, comfortable all around. Really enjoyed myself. Thoroughly enjoyed myself! And saw Roscoe, my art bae. I'd stepped back from him significantly for a few reasons - all my own thoughts (and morals LOL). Hadn't seen him a long time and didn't expect to see him. So seeing him really blew me away. Well, I unexpectedly saw him again on Wednesday night.

Wednesday night was a manifestation that I took a step towards myself. I'd woken up a week before, early in the morning. With the various early morning thoughts, I for no reason said out loud, "I want to be invited to exclusive events where I get there and everything is free." That day, I saw an email about a VIP art opening and, later that evening, came across a participant in my program who could probably make it happen. Sure enough, he made it happen.

A few layers to this story involve a gala I attended last Saturday evening for work. My coworker Ryan attended. I like him but he's a Libra (it matters), a workaholic focused on upward movement (which shouldn't matter since I'm similar but he's at a higher level of it), and frugal (both of us can't be LOL). He's handsome, has a lot duality that I enjoy and very smart (two masters degrees, I think). He has helped me out a few times and this last time, the act of service heated up *ahem* certain parts. LMAO! For real though. I literally felt it while he was offering the help. Goodness gracious.

Anyway, getting long-winded outside of the point. Ryan is the cousin of my program co-participant. So at the gala, I'd told him about the event and that he should come. While hanging with my friend Sand at the Wednesday evening event, I looked up and there was Ryan, standing there in a big black coat (Miami people can't wait for a little chill to dress like it's below freezing), looking damn good. Mmmm mmm mmm. My friend Tito had come with Sand and I to the gala. Ryan asked me something about Tito while leaning in, kinda questioning/suggesting Tito was my boo. I was like, "No!" LOL Ryan looked at me like "oh?", which I'm trying not to think too much about.

I will be fully transparent that after one of the best sexual experiences of my life last year, I immediately thought about Ryan. It was the weirdest thing, to the point I had to tell the other participant. If memory serves, the thought was wondering if Ryan had ever had sex that good. The thing is, I don't communicate with him often and rarely think about him as a result. So maybe he had spoken on a webinar or something right before that experience, which is what brought him to mind? I don't know. Just weird.

Ryan's a nice guy. Just not sure he would be the most trustworthy (Libra men tings) or that he would be willing to be fun and spontaneous. And that's what I need in my life. That's what I want in my life, anyway.

12/10/23 - It's more than 24 hours later and I'm getting back to this entry.

Funny enough, I'm watching a show on Net.flix and one of the characters reminds me of Ryan. He's a big security type figure. He actually looks like Ryan if he were slim. Heh.

I think most importantly, Ryan has not made any obvious moves. Can I say he hasn't made any moves at all? No. But he hasn't made any outright obvious moves or indicated any interest outside of a coworker. So I have to assume he's not interested.

While I am satisfied being single, experiencing life and making it through each day, I am choosing not to engage any man that does not explicitly express his interest. I don't believe I will have to decipher TheOne's interest (am I really back on "TheOne"?? Wow, that was a throwback, don't even know where it came from.). I don't want to have to. And that's that on that.

Remembering a time when I was headed to Peru. I was rushing because I was soooo late - got to the desk only 5 minutes before bag-check closed completely. I was heading to the gate when I came across two execs from my org. They are both good friends with Ryan. I spoke with them for a few minutes then crossed the aisle to meet my friends. By the time I crossed the aisle, Ryan was calling my phone, in disbelief that I was going to Peru. LOL

It's so funny to me because I be doing really big things that I don't treat like really big things. So it certainly catches people off-guard. Often.

Back to me skipping the funeral yesterday. Even though I did not go, it seemed like everyone made me still a part of it. LOL My mom woke me up to get something for my aunt as she and my cousin arrived to my house to pick my mom up. My mom and cousin were texting me updates throughout the service, my cousin that was directly involved in the fune came to my house after to bring by food from the repast. LOL I skipped it but was still a part of it. Chyle.

This has been such a chill weekend. It actually feels weird. I haven't "needed to" go check on my late aunt or do anything for the program or anyone else, for that matter. This is a different life than the last 4 months altogether. I don't feel stressed at all. MyLife always completes multiple cycles at a time. I will never understand this design.

In nothing going on news, I started Christmas shopping already. I'm so glad. Really aiming to be done before the 20th. Have to update my list so I know what I have left to do. I like to give thoughtful gifts but my coworkers are going to have to just get gift cards or I will mail them something or drop something off to them at a later date.

Going to get back to my current boo Net.flix for now. Haven't spent a lot of time with it in a long time so I'ma give it some attention. :)

the last - the next