Monday, Oct. 09, 2023 - 7:54 p.m.

The Bouncer.

20 years later, he's still around.

Or maybe I'm still around and he knows that so he just pops back in every now and then to check the temperature.

Probably the latter.

He took me out yesterday. I chose to sit back and treat it like a date from a check-in, confirmation, planning perspective. He did good. Restaurant was the bomb - lowkey, outdoor waterfront, chill vibe; excellent food and drinks (even though something is going on with my freaking smell so I couldn't taste all the way, but [thank God] no COVID per a test). We went and got ice cream from Dairy Queen after and enjoyed it like lil kids. Nice evening.

I was worried he was gon get on my nerves but he didn't at all. But I had lots of glimpses of who he is and why I didn't want to be with him. He is who he is, he's comfortable with who he is and he is who he is gon' be. And that's fine. The beauty of Life is he can be all that and I don't have to deal with it. :-)

It was nice to get out on a lil "platonic", comfortable, heterosexual vibe. It wasn't necessarily what I've been looking for. The Bouncer put out energy of attraction but I don't know if it was genuine or, again, just checking the temperature. What I like about him is he won't cross boundaries. At least he didn't before. He wanted me to hang out at his apartment after but I called it a night. Had to pick up my mom anyway so that made it even easier. Besides, Life is different now so any possibilities about having fun after is out the window. He don't know that but eventually he may find out.

Some of the views he expressed on love and relationships made me feel like most of us gon' be single for the rest of our dayssss. Might as well settle in, get comfortable and just focus on enjoying the days we have on this earth. Period.

Speaking of, I had a great time in San Francisco and Vegas. Very chill time hanging out with D. We went to Oakland twice and I enjoyed both outings. Had an encounter with a Kenyan man that I would not mind bumping into again someday. His cheekbones... Whew.

Sidebutrelatednote: In my head, I'm not attractive. It's so funny how I get surprised when someone expresses attraction. It's also very crazy that I've convinced myself I am not attractive because of my weight when that is just not the case. I wish I understood that.

Additional sidebutrelatednote: I won a President's Award recently. I still feel like I don't deserve it. Even though it's an award that one cannot even apply for. It's just awarded to whom they identify is worthy. And I got it. That's crazy to me. My brain has and continues to try and justify why they gave it to me, as if they did out of charity. I don't believe anyone else would have looked at things that way, so why am I? *sigh* My mom was like, "I mean, do you feel like the therapy is helping you??" LMAO but that is so sad! I hear her clearly, because by now, why am I still having all these thoughts about myself? It's weird!

I gotta start loving myself. Seriously. Time is running out. Every day God allows me to wake is one day less of the chances I will have to get this shit right.

Help me, Lord.

Vegas was cool cool. I walked in the Wynn resort and did not leave that place until I went outside to catch the uber back to the airport. Took my laptop so I was able to continue working in slow periods. Ran into a gang of clinical execs from my org. They added me to a dinner at a restaurant on the property. Very luxe dinner - order anything ya want. Certainly my lifestyle! LOL I always get the experiences I dream of at that freaking conference: flewed out, stunning hotel rooms, luxurious dining, everything free and all costs covered. *sigh* I want this for my regular lifestyle, not just associated with work! LOL Come on, Lord. Make it happen!

Never thought I'd see a day where I felt like I've "done" Vegas and have no desire or urge to do much more of it, that it would feel old to me. Life is amazing.

This week is not poised to be too crazy, thank God. I'm only working 3 days, I believe. Gonna get through these 3 with all the other stuff I got going on then plan for rest on Sunday (not Saturday - just remembered I have an all day session on Saturday for the program). Anywhoo.

I need to straighten up my room, my office and my car, get my house deep cleaned, do my work evaluation, get caught up on the development program stuff. And start exercising seriously and consistently. Yeah, that part! Lord, give me strength 'cause I'm tired. Help me, Lord.

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