Sunday, Sept. 10, 2023 - 3:07 p.m.

There are times my stamina astounds me. Like, the amount of running around, being present and still living Life I am able to do? I be impressing myself sometimes. Like, wow.

I always wonder how parents do it??? It's hard enough to manage myself. How do they manage themselves and children and everything else? It's amazing to me.

Yesterday was a whole entire day. Hell, this week has been a whole entire week. Matter fact, the last MONTH has been a whole. entire. MONTH! WHEWWWWW. But I continue to get through it all.

Yesterday was an all day session for the leadership program I'm participating in. This was 9 hours on top of the (*counts*) 8.5 hours throughout the week for various meetings/onsites related to the program. Baybay! TIED!! A couple hours after the session, I attended a cousin's bday party. I really let loose and had such a good time. Caught myself surprised a couple times that I was not falling out, exhausted. I had energy all the way through getting home for the night. I definitely passed out once I got home but that was ok and expected.

I've been home all day today. Closed up in this house. My aunt's sister called to see if I was going to the facility today to visit her. Had to tell her NOPE. My aunt's sister has been able to get 1 or 2 of her 7 kids to take her over the past couple weeks. Happy for her. It's probably very temporary but at least they showed up here and there. My mom and I ran into them one afternoon - they were leaving and we were coming. I was so shocked to see her 2 daughters. SMH

After her call, I realized that I rarely get calls, asking what someone can do for me or bring me or whatever. The ones that have come the most often are from my neighbor, giving me groceries. That's a lil sad, right? It made me feel like I'm always the one calling to offer others something or the majority of the calls I receive are about what I can give or do for others. I don't like the feelings I get from those thoughts. I don't like 'em.

Anywhoo. *deep breath*

I have a scheduled therapy appointment on Monday. I'm going to talk to her about an experience I had Friday. I went to tour a children's hospital as part of the leadership program. It was the children's hospital that my baby cousin was at 18 years ago. (Hard to believe it's been 18 years. Feels like a long time ago but not 18 years, geez.) I was walking those halls with a million thoughts and emotions going through me but at the same time, I felt separated from all of them. Like, disassociated. Like I was in a different reality on the outside than I was on the inside. I felt a lil crazy, honestly. Want to talk about some of that with her. It was very unsettling. My mind was like, girl, you got too much to do to take any time at all to deal with what you have going on inside.

I didn't like that. At all. So I'ma talk to her about it.

In other news, I go to Cali and Vegas this weekend. My house is atrocious. A whole ass mess. Whew! I have a zoom for our family reunion meeting in an hour. Then later, I need to work on a report that's due this week since I will be off tomorrow and out on Friday. Earlier today, I had to set up the zoom for the meeting and get the bank account all setup to receive funds. Also donate to the fundraising campaign and get myself organized with a spreadsheet to track the time and activities associated with the leadership program. *deep breath* So much all the freaking time. I just want to rest with nothing on my freaking mind. To the good of all and the harm of none.

Help me, Lord. Help me be less anxious about everything and believe you will make time for everything. Please, Jesus.

I said next year, I'm not doing any professional development/learning. Next year, I'ma just work and enjoy Life otherwise. A mental break is needed. Like, I've done so much "achieving", which my lil' Capricorn brain needs. I always need to be pursuing something. But next year, I'ma just live. I'ma just do the things I've been wanting to do but haven't had time to for my home. I'ma grow some stuff. I'ma travel at a relaxed pace (3 states on a summa trip again, likely). I'ma have my standing Friday edible sessions. I look forward to 2024. LOL

Why does it feel like I'm always waiting for the future to slow down and it never does????????????? *SIGH*

Ok. Goodnight.

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