"I'm holding me back. Gotta do better."
Friday, May. 26, 2023 - 4:03 a.m.
Kinda wanna ask God to remove this physical desire for SJ away from me. Kinda don't.
Liiiiiikkkkeeee, my body still craves that man. It's gon' be a year away from him before long. Yet my body still craves him. Can still feel his hands touching my skin, bending back my left thigh, massaging my feet...
My mind vividly recalls sitting on his face in reverse. His hand gripping the bottom of my left cheek from the side. Nuzzling my neck.
I still remember screaming in absolute pleasure. The rawness in my throat and being genuinely surprised at how unintentionally loud I was.
The darkness in his house - we were always in the dark and I preferred it; requested it.
Kinda wanna ask God to remove this physical desire for SJ away from me. Kinda don't.
He folded me up like a muthafuckin' pretzel. My back still don't hurt no more. Like, I be walking at the park, amazed that my back still don't hurt. Amazed.
But then I remember the lies. My status. The lack of care on both parts. Feeling dumb, being stupid.
I do want this desire removed from me. I do. Because if I'm left with it, I may find any tiny reason to act on it. Don't need to, don't want to, wouldn't benefit from it. But I just... I want to. In an imperfect world where I can forgive myself for the moments I feel so weak, I would give myself permission to engage. And that's not where I need to be.
So I'ma ask God to remove this desire from me. I'ma bask in a few of the memories for the next 48 hours then I'ma make the request for this desire to be removed from me. 'Cause it's gotta go. It's too dangerous to keep around. It gotta go.