Sunday, May. 21, 2023 - 4:01 p.m.

So much of life is taken for granted.

I take so much - so many people, blessings, opportunities, experiences, abilities.... So much for granted.

It's crazy.

Last week, AReid's truck was shot up with him in it, driving. He says it was a case of mistaken identity. (I think he indulges in women of the night, which ain't the safest environment. But that's none of my business and I have no way of knowing so.) 15 shots, he was hit 3 times, none of which were life-threatening. Thank God. Told me in his regular narcissistic way. Still very hard to believe but he unpromptedly sent pics as evidence. It's just unreal. Would've been extremely fucked up to one day just hear he lost his life. Especially since I purposely avoid him (because I don't need a narcissist in my life). But still. He's someone I've known for over 10 years now. And bless his heart, he really does consider me a friend. So it would've been very hard to handle such a loss. But thank God it didn't go that way.

The boundary he crossed with me that allowed me to comfortably extract myself from our previously daily, all-day communications was he would send links to videos of Black men getting shot and killed. Like if there was a story about a Black man shot and/or killed injustly, here he go sending me footage. Kept telling him I don't want to see that and neither should he. It happened a few times. The second to last time, I gave him a final warning. Even asked him if he had some mental issues that prevented him from understanding this was a hard boundary for me. He agreed not to do it anymore then turned around and did it again. So that's when I removed his access to me. Blocked his ass. It was a rough transition but I finally held strong. It was a while before I gave him access to communicate with me again and it has been very little communication ever since. I don't be rude but I don't be welcoming or encouraging either. [Just went back and saw that this all occurred this precise time in 2020. He was shot on May 12, 2023 and I had him blocked May 15, 2020. May have to mention this to him so he can understand how this shit can come around.]

All that to say, when he sent the pics of his wounds, he apologized saying he knows I don't like seeing that stuff.

It's crazy that the thing that we had the biggest disagreement about is exactly what he experienced. That's kinda wild. Hate the way that turned out but it's kinda like manifestation. Not sure if this will change him in that way because baby, the narcissist is still theeeerrrreee. Whew. But yeah, just grateful homeboy is still alive. Wow.

An older cousin passed two weeks ago. Her services were yesterday. She left behind an adult son, her only child. She doted on him so much, gonna be hard for him with her gone. Praying for his peace.

His family unit is so crazy. Whew. Going to have to pray for peace among them. It was so sad at the cemetery today because so many of their unit's core members, we were standing at their headstones, at their gravesites. It was sad. Like, these were all people I knew and remember. Two brothers, 6 years apart in age. Both gone at early ages.....due to guns (police and otherwise). Just sad. Tragic.

My cousin who passed, she'd had the same poor health her mom had. She struggled and suffered for a long time. I was thankfully able to see her two times not long before she passed. Played gospel songs and prayed with her. May she rest in peace.

Also yesterday was another cousin's surprise graduation party for earning her MBA. I felt privileged to have a celebration to attend, one where my presence was requested and even with the funeral, I was still asked to stop by, even if just to see my face. I sometimes take it for granted that everyone does not have that. Everyone doesn't get invites, have a huge family, get the distraction of a celebration in the midst of sadness. I'm grateful. I know I'm blessed.

The fufu thing about this weekend was I had to keep going to the area where SJ lives. Never passed the actual house but was on the route most of the time. Even passed the last street to turn onto his. Mind flashed through a couple memories but I didn't let it on to the people I was transporting. Memories of fleeing the scene, avoiding the scene, some of the scenes... Sitting here, deeply sighing, wishing all of that turned out differently. Grateful I am not lingering in the situation based off what I wish things had turned out to be. Oh well. Such is life.

I'm finishing this post while riding on the Brightline train. It's been in operation for a couple years but this is my first time. Brought my mom along with me. Next time, I will have to leave her home. Transporting her while walking on the streets is too much for me physically. And she flares up a lot of my anxieties. I told her we were tight on time and she refused to listen. For what turned out to be good reason, but still. She doesn't respect what I say. Unfortunately, it ends up impacting me and not her. Every time. So she leaves, thinking all is well because she doesn't have any negative memories to hold onto. Meanwhile, I have the memories of damn-near running in jeans in the HEAT while pushing her in the wheelchair, trying not to miss the train because she refused to listen when I said the time was getting short. 🙃

My 3-state vacation is coming up. Haven't booked my flights but will hopefully do that tonight. She wants to go but I can't. I'ma have to go this alone because I need peace. I need a break from every single body. So I am looking forward to this alone time. Period.

That will also be my goal in 2023. To really get selfish and focus on myself. I can only hope it doesn't come across nasty, but at the same time, I cannot care. I've cared about everyone else forever and not cared about me. Haven't been fair to myself. This ain't gon' work so...

It's crazy that the idea of focusing on myself makes me feel selfish.

That's insanity. I'm crazy.

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