Sunday, Apr. 30, 2023 - 2:37 a.m.

I so enjoy this space. I can just write out my thoughts and just get them out. Not up to talking to anyone about these feelings so grateful for this little kilobyte of the 'net to safely express myself.

I want to see SJ. I do. Want to physically come across him anywhere outside of my house. LOL Want to pass him on the street or in the store or picking up food somewhere. Want to hear him call my name like the last time I remember him saying it (which was sinister, but anyway). Want him to stand in front of me and look down into my eyes like he did each time I was in his presence. Would enjoy the feeling of him kissing my neck.

I know that none of that would be healthy. Even seeing him would not be healthy. It wouldn't do anything positive for me. It wouldn't even mean anything to him. It would be nothing but a setback for me, especially with the progress I made of not focusing on him daily.

I should not ever want to be in the presence of someone who did not value me. I should not ever want to be in the presence of someone who mistreated me. I should not ever want to be in the presence of someone who willingly harmed me.

This desire to see him is rooted in the idea that there is not another man that will give me the physical experience I had with him. That will express the desire he did. That will give me the satisfaction he did. I feel like in order to have a taste of all of that, the cost was to be left scarred as a result. Am I not meant to have this in MyLife? Am I meant to be a single woman with no partner or sexual activity all MyLife? Is this my lot??? Or was I supposed to have patience to allow the RIGHT and INTENDED gift to come my way but instead plowed through to what was set in front of me?

Oh, I wish I knew.

I'm tempted to just close my mind and heart to the idea and act as if I will never have what I want. But I know that is not the answer or the right response. I'm working on my thoughts.

Speaking of, I went to a spiritual shop today. Was picking up food at a restaurant I hadn't tried before and it happened to be a couple doors down. It was like stepping into a mystical place. From the outside, it looked closed, deserted. But there was a small "open" sign. When I entered, I gasped. The floor had an amazing design, there were lots of products (candles, crystals, etc). I could hear someone getting a reading and there was someone else waiting for theirs. I met another reader there and she helped pick out some candles for me. The other reader rang me up. She was bringing the person who'd received their reading to select some candles for them.

I was surprised to see it was a Black man. Probably my age or a couple years younger. Figured out from their convo, he is an accountant. Had a feeling he was driving a luxury car and that was confirmed. I didn't make eye contact because I didn't want to invade his privacy. It was just very interested to me that he was there. People jokingly talk about the woo or witch lady but I haven't been around that in person to know. Just made me realize more people partake than I was aware of. There was even an older Black woman, patiently waiting for her turn at a reading.

I got two candles, one for money and one for feeling overwhelmed. I may go back for a reading one day. In the meantime, I'll pray then burn my candles.

My mind briefly thought, what if that was the man of my dreams and that was the way we were destined to meet?

Then my mind gets sick of all the many ways and many years I've imagined meeting the man of my dreams. My mind wants me to accept ain't no fairytales. I can't accept that but it's the reality.

I don't know. I wish all this made sense. I wish Life made sense. But it don't. In any way. The shit just don't make no damn sense. Life is all over the place, it's crazy.

The first half of today was not stressful, just long. Friday was stressful all afternoon but I got through it. This coming week will indeed be hectic but God is going to get me through it. I'm thankful and grateful in advance.

I want to start at the gym but Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday will be long-ish work days for me. Then I'm going on a road trip Friday-Sunday. So, yeah. *sigh* Breathing deeply now. That's about all I can do.

Tomorrow (later today), gonna look into flights for that road trip. I do not want to talk myself out of it 'cause I really need it.

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