Thursday, Mar. 30, 2023 - 8:53 a.m.

The past few days... This week so far, really.

Lord.

I am now officially tapped out. I don't have no more to give. I done gave it all.

Didn't get to finish my few days of solitude. That ended early cause of course my mama's plumbing at her house chose now to go out.

Tuesday afternoon, I was stewing in that then God sent a sunray directly to my eyeball right after an unexpected rainshower. So I had an emotional moment with that and my whole attitude turned completely around.

But last night, I was sad. Like for real.

Yesterday afternoon, I chose to run an evening errand that I was going to run this evening but since I picked up my mom early, that plan was going to change. Then I realized I already have some driving to do this afternoon, I didn't want to be doing double driving. So last night would be the night to do the errand. With it being in the area where my late uncle's wife was situated, I said let me go by and see her with my mom in tow.

Opened her (closed???) door and the lady was damn-near dying. Sweating through the bed, old blood coming out of her mouth, shallow breaths. Her vitals were horrible - the machine couldn't even read her blood pressure at some point. She was pretty much crashing. Had we not gone to visit her, that horrible facility would have simply said she passed unexpectedly but peacefully in her sleep. Meanwhile the lady was suffering for who even knows how long.

I'm grateful we went by. She'll live to see another day.

But that meant a trip to the ER late into the evening. There was so much chaos at that ER (one of my job's facilities). There was an angry man with a mental crises, a food delivery person insisting he be let upstairs to deliver someone's chic-fil-a, other situations going on and finally, an argument between security and a nurse over a freaking chair. Like it could not have been anymore insane.

My aunt's sister came and she wants me to make decisions and choices and thangs but it's not my place. My mom was with us but it's like my mom is me, in a sense. She's the child just listening in while the adults decide what to do. I made a point to leave the two of them to speak with the nurse while I went to get the car. Their faces were a scene out of a comedy show. Like how do you expect us to communicate without you??! Two grown women who have birthed children, maintained households with spouses, worked and retired! But I'm the one who's supposed to be in charge?!?

And it's really frustrating because I'm going through all of this right there with them but then I get home (after dropping the sister off even though all her kids were calling her to see what was happening, where she was, confirming I was with her....*sigh*) and still have to be the one in charge. My mom was wiped out but....what about me?!?! Am I not exhausted?!?! Was I not the one running back and forth, coordinating everything, driving everywhere, loading/unloading/pushing the wheelchair?! Like, AM I NOT WIPED OUT TOO??!

Damn, what about me?!

When do I get to be tired? Sick? Worn out? Overwhelmed? When????

It sure feels like never. It's like I always have to be on. Always. And it's never, here, let me help take some of the load or some of the load off you.

It's always "you can handle it".

Why is this my lot? Why did I get this assignment? Why am I always the one showing up, doing the work, carrying everybody's load???

It was after 11:30pm in the ER and the sister wanted me to help her with everything on her cellphone. Ma'am. GET SOMEBODY ELSE TO DO IT. Like for real?!??! With allll your kids but you want me, after the day I've had, to do this??! NOW?!?! Be for real.

I'd been considering going away for lile two weeks to work remotely. At this point, that's absolutely going to happen. I will have to actually be away from here to get any consistent peace. To not have to show up for anyone other than me, that's what I'm going to have to do. Feelings will be hurt but that's okay. I have to think about me for once. I have to. Nobody else is going to. Not for me, anyway.

It's just crazy how these situations keep finding me. I get a little bit of peace and then the universe be like, "Oh that was enough of a bit o' peace. Back to work bitch!"

I feel like 50 when he said "why's it F me for??" Like, what did I do? I'M SORRY!

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