Monday, Mar. 13, 2023 - 11:49 p.m.

Chyle.

I'm here. I was finna do my usual about not writing in so long but it'll happen again. No sense trying to fool myself.

Coming off a hectic-ass weekend. Really, it was half rest. But the other half was hectic. Whew.

My late uncle's wife has been hospitalized for several months. At some point, she was not able to verbally communicate. I went to see her late Friday night after looking at the upcoming busy days and realizing it was then or not anytime soon. She didn't look the best when I approached the room but as I stood in it, putting on all the gear required since she's in a quarantine ward, she heard me speaking to the nurse. She had to have recognized my voice because she opened her eyes, looked at me and said, "Hello."

God is amazing.

She's been heavy on my mind about the state of her actual life. I've been involved with several people who are in very bad places, healthwise. So I tend to assess their state and start to become obsessed with if they will continue to be on this side of eternity. Sometimes it keeps me up at night. It also causes me to feel slightly depressed. So that's what's been going on with her situation. Doesn't help that no one goes to see her but her sister and I. I've had to pick up her sister several times to take her there (even though her sister has about 6 grown children who just...don't care *sigh*).

I used to think when I was taking care of my great-aunt Jen that God didn't let me have a family of my own - husband, children - because He wanted me available to help my great-aunt. But then it was my next great-aunt. Then it was my mom. And now, the time is really passing for me to have children, ain't it??

Wait, I don't know that I ever wrote about going to see the fertility doctor... Or did I? Either way, after some testing, he determined that my egg volume is that of a woman younger than me. They don't know anything about the quality of my eggs. However, with my age, the quality deteriorates at a rapid rate each six months of age. So he was encouraging me to harvest my eggs last March. But then my mom immediately got her diagnosis. So all that came to a screeching halt. (The donor sperm process was going to be expensive and a crap shoot anyway.)

(Is it in the cards or nah, God? (I done bent God's ear about this subject enough. Just popped up so might as well get it out. Anywhoosies.)

So, yeah. Nobody goes to see my aunt. So even going makes me sad because I'm thinking about all that - nobody seeing her, me being the only one making an effort outside of her 75-year-old sister, the reason I have availability to go see her, being around so many sick people, seeing her in her condition.

Issa lot.

Issa whole lot.

I just hate my elders getting older. Aging is a beautiful thing. It's a blessing and we all gotta go through it. But it seems like the people around me are not aging the best. Which is a sign to me of what I need to do for my future.

Life lately....

*sigh*

Most of it centers around my mom. She has a MILLION doctor appointments. Like, how can one person have so many?!?! And she was never a person to be going back and forth to the doctor! So what happened?! And the majority of these have nothing to do with cancer, they're just everything else. Cardiologist, Endocrinologist, Neurologist, General Practitioner, Pain Management, etc., etc., etc. For her, I think she feels like it's exciting - all these places to go, all these things to do!

For me, it's EXHAUSTING. I'm doing most of it during my work hours - using my lunch since the facilities are not far from my house. But when they run over (which they often do), I'm anxious about being away from my desk, the meetings that I'm minutes away from missing or trying to participate in while the doctor starts talking. Plus the driving, parking, pushing her in a wheelchair. It's tiring to then come back and jump right back into work. She gets to relax through it all so it feels totally different for her. The appointments that work out for my flex day off from work bother me because that's supposed to be MY day to do what I want or need to do.

It's been a lot. There are just so many. If she was able to drive herself around and move herself around that would be some relief. I'm a tiny bit perturbed because I've been warning her for years that she needs to maintain her independence but she so loves being carted around. So now it's all falling on me. She'll feel sad or down about it sometime but that doesn't change anything so I don't indulge when she's going through those feelings. Like the other day, I was feeling unwell but she had an appointment. She felt bad but she also had the appointment. And I get it, most of these appointments, it takes months to get them. So you have to go when they come around. But damn. Even when I had COVID, there was an instance where her medicine had to be picked up from across town because she doesn't plan things properly. This was the pharmacy down the street from HER house. And she waited to say anything so it had to be picked up that day. I was like, "Dang, I can't even be sick!" She said she knew I would say that but ok, nothing was done to avoid or resolve the situation so I had to go.

*sigh*

I feel bad complaining because I appreciate the blessing of having her here and the ability to care for her.

I guess it just feels compounded when there are multiple people sick, I'm not feeling my best, I'm feeling overwhelmed/sad/depressed but still have to just keep showing up for everyone else. I feel like I can't show up for myself because everyone else is always the priority.

It just makes me feel sad.

And then I be feeling like, God, you don't want me to do be the priority? Like, God, did you position be to be at the bottom? Or is that me doing it to myself? Because I know plenty people that prioritize themselves but then that leaves the people that need help with no help. And of course, I'm not going to NOT help my own mama.

I just didn't imagine a life of service to the world with nothing left to give myself.

It just makes me sad.

It's the first day of my period so I'm also feeling emotional. That's probably what's fueling this very sad feeling right now. I pray I feel better about all of this tomorrow. At least enough to just accept what is and move the fuck on.

On another note, in good news, my mom has been staying at her house a few nights here and there. She keeps having to come back because of....yep, more appointments! It's been 5 days since the last time she was here but I pick her up tomorrow for two appointments this week. So she'll be here until Sunday since we have a family outing on Saturday. Then she'll be home until the end of the month when she has an outpatient procedure to remove the chemo port. She'll probably be with me the first full week of April or so too.

These few days have been a respite. I like quiet. I like my music. I like not speaking except for work. So it's been nice. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. LOL

When I'm reading this in a few years or even next year, I don't want to forget that we saw Anita Baker live. This past weekend, I saw the Soul Rebels and did rug tufting as part 3 (or 4) of my bday celebration (thanks, friends!). My weight has gone down 13 pounds from the beginning of the year. It's a combination of insane physical activity in El Salvador, COVID and slight adjustments to my eating since then. I'm trying to keep it up. Once I find the energy to get consistent, I know things will move even further along.

I'm mentally tired. Like, want a couple weeks off to go somewhere and sit and be silent - no work, no responsiblities to anyone, just my solitude, my company, music, rest. That's it. I don't want to get to a breaking point as it relates to that so I'm going to look into taking a couple days off soon and doing what I need to do.

Wow, I wrote all this and didn't write a word about that guy. Communication ceased, which is great. I was reminded of why there was no communication previously. Shouldn't have had to be but alas. Never saw him, so that's awesome. A nice, clean break.

I just need God to give me a good thing as a distraction. A good man is preferred, but whatever it is, allow them or it to be a positive distraction that brings me nothing but goodness in my life. Because I really need it right about now.

I need a new car. Not brand spanking new, but much more current. Something I don't have to worry about the mechanics of for a lil bit of time. I really want a Genesis GV70 but I don't want an expensive car payment. Especially since I haven't had a car payment in 11 years, period. I'll probably settle on a Tucson so I don't feel any pinches while I press towards paying off this house. But I want a Genesis. I'ma tell the Lord what I want (the Genesis) and what I want financially (to pay my house off by 2027) and see what He do. 'Cause he can do some miraculous stuff - I am a living witness! To the good of all and the harm of none. Thank you.

Okay. Time for bed. The time changed and it's gonna take me several days to get back right. So let me go to sleep before I mess myself up for tomorrow.

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