Monday, Jan. 30, 2023 - 11:15 p.m.

*written 1/27/23*
Ok, I'm crazy.

And apparently, got a little bored.

How could I get bored???

Doggone COVID. *SIIIIGH*

At this point, I don't even know where I contracted it. I tested so thought I was in the clear after having traveled. (I traveled!! Gotta get into that shortly.) Went out to eat the two days after getting home - fine dining restaurant for my bday (42!!!), hood corner tent pickup spot the next night. Then the Saturday, went to an outdoor bday brunch and a dance recital. Then the Sundayyy, went to visit an aunt in the hospital and an outdoor (thank God) bday party.

For a while I thought it was the brunch 'cause I just threw all (pre)caution to the wind chyle. Had a blast, but I was reckless. SMH But today, in speaking with the bday girl from the brunch, it might not have been there at all. I had symptoms by Sunday night which would have been too soon. So it was either the restaurant or the food pickup spot. I'm leaning towards the pickup spot, only b/c I had face-to-face contact with the cashier, which my mom didn't. By the grace of GOD, even though we were in full contact all weekend, she didn't get infected. I'm so grateful. I would have been scared and guilt-ridden to death if she got sick. Thank God for his divine protection over her.

Speaking of my mom, she's still at my house. She has hollered about going home but continued to take full advantage of me doing everything for her. She was forced to feed herself while I was away but I made it easy for her with some meal prep. (By the way, doing that made me feel like I can do it for she and I on a kinda regular basis. Gonna leave that as TBD.)

It's time for her to go home and get some independence about herself. She likes being independent, I think. God keeps making situations happen where she can be taken care of though. *smirk* I am glad to be able to care for her, I know that much. It be a lot sometimes but it's a blessing - having room for her, working from home so I can attend to her all day. It's been a blessing each time.

Yeah, so I TRAVELED last week! First time since before the pandemic! I figured the thing ain't going nowhere and wanted to go somewhere for my birthday. Told my travel friends about it and though they were skeptical about the location (heck *I* was skeptical!!), 2 of them chose to tag along. We rented a car and an airbnb and made it happen. Went to El Salvador. Beautiful country! At first, I was concerned because it didn't seem to offer anything overly exciting.

My plan on my own was going to be to just "live" in another country, even if only for a week. I was going to rent a cute spot, get a car, have meals at different restaurants, see a couple sights. With rest in there a couple days too. Well, no, my friends don't travel like that. They need constant stimulation. So it was a busy time. LOTS of driving....by me.

*written early am, 1/30/23*
We went up a few mountains, crossed a few cities, drove through markets of people in the street, plenty of rush hour traffic and inaccurate destinations (Sandwa!). Ate a couple meals here and there. Hiked through a forest (I had on sandals because I was so focused on making sure they had the right footwear that I forgot my freaking own!! We also forgot our water in the car. I damn-near fainted three times. Had to submerge my feet in the icy water to avoid overheating and thank God for the peppermint in my bookbag since I hadn't eaten a proper meal that day.) to get to some hidden waterfalls. [Ultimately loved it. Some movie shit, for real.]

The country is beautiful. Clear air, especially up in the mountains. The water changed my skin, OMG. Wifi was working better than my house! I really could see myself returning to do that period of just living, even two weeks or more. That US currency made such a difference in terms of paying for things. I speak enough Spanish to get by, why not.

Anyway, of course, I'ma talk about fool. I remember being in El Salvador with him heavy on my mind. Not in a romantic way but just wondering how he's doing.

Came back and the thoughts would not go away. Then I got sick and was doing lots of lying around, which had me thinking even more. Then I went to the doctor and he talked about the condition and what he feels it really means as a medical professional. And that he doesn't think I have what the results said I do. (So confusing.)

Then I started thinking about how Life is short, why spend it thinking about somebody but not reaching out. Thinking these things even though I know how I am - whoever is the obsession of the season, I'ma think about 'em until something else comes to take my attention and helps me forget about 'em. Guess nothing else is going on 'cause I could not stop thinking about fool.

I couldn't stop thinking about the intimacy. [I need it. I want it.]

So I reached out last night. Reached out knowing I would get an immediate response.

Except I didn't. Then I was faced with thinking about the possibility that I wouldn't get a response. Hadn't thought about what I would think or feel if I realized I was blocked. Or forgotten about. Or simply not desired to be heard from. That hadn't crossed my mind....until I didn't hear anything back.

Then I did. So I didn't get time to think about those things anyway. But then I realized I apparently also hadn't thought through what I would think or feel when I heard back.

Chyle. A mess. A thoughtless mess.

I was amused by myself though. Because hearing back - and what I heard - made me realize all I wanted was 1) to confirm I could still have access to him if I wanted it and 2) to hear the notifications on my phone. I guess my psyche got so used to it that it missed the lil sounds. 'Cause I didn't jump for joy, didn't get excited about any of the offers, didn't even attempt to make anything in this anything it's not.

And won't.

*written afternoon 1/30/23*
I feel like I see it all for what it is. It's me being bored, it's me feeling nostalgic, it's me just wanting to know I have a place in someone's head at the moment. That's it, that's all.

Do I need to see him? No. Not now and not necessarily in the future either. I *DO* want a massage and a shotgun session. I do want those things, most definitely. They don't have to be from him but if I want them and he has them, I may partake.

Ideally, I wouldn't set eyes on him for at least a month. So that's the plan. If we're still in communication by then, anyway. I'll just ride out the light communication until I am no longer bored. That time will probably come sooner than the month.

*written evening of 1/30/23*
It's interesting that I was able to move on, having been sufficiently distracted for all this time. Not sure what changed other than sitting down from being sick. Life had indeed started picking up in a way that made me uncomfortable. Felt like I was slipping and sliding back to a busier pace. I didn't like the look of it, either. I don't wanna go back to running the streets like I used to, especially because I didn't want to when I was! But I'm confused because I had fully settled into not running around so I'm confused how I got bored that quick??

Then again, the first few weeks of this year were quiet in terms of all my mom's persistent appointments. Maybe that's what happened? I don't know chyle.

Speaking of my mom, she's doing better and better, thank God. Likely moving back to her house after living with me full-time since her chemo started last May. Not having her here is going to be a MAJOR adjustment but we gon' make it. I want to start going to the gym so between that and mid-day walks, taking care of my lawn again and just focusing on getting my house in order, I should be sufficiently entertained at home. Or exhausted, one.

Anywhoosies, it's taken a couple days to finish this one entry. Going to bed.

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