Thursday, Dec. 29, 2022 - 1:12 p.m.

So I can't recall exactly when but it was sometime over the past 3 days. I imagine it was the same day as my last post, just at a point during the chaos that I can't remember exactly.

Anywhoo, I saw SJ. He was driving in a car down my street and when he saw my mom and I in my car in the yard, he must have panicked. Made the most illogical and somewhat dangerous 3-point turn in the street. There were no tints on the windows so that's how I was able to see him. Wasn't totally convinced it was him because I couldn't remember exactly how his hair looks. But once I went back and looked at a pic, that basically confirmed it was him.

Of course this along with what I was already feeling has caused the nigga to be heavy on my doggone mind. *sigh* And OF COURSE, I'm on my period, hormones all over the place. *sigh*

I'm processing that him passing by my house does not mean he cares about me. The "I still miss yous" in our last couple communications do not mean he cares about me. Nothing he has done or said shows he cares about me. If I were to think he cares about me, it would be the story I want to tell myself. It would not be reality.

If he cared about me, he would have at the very least reached out to wish me happy holidays, whether or not he knew he was blocked. He would have left a note on my door or cash-apped me some muthafuckin money for Christmas.

Granted, I expressly told him I do not wish to remain in contact. But still.

*sigh*

I look forward to the memory of him fading. Still have so many flashbacks of so much. The intimacy moreso than the sex. If I could erase the memories of the intimacy - which is my biggest craving at the moment - I'd be on better footing. As it stands, I sometimes have thoughts that it wouldn't be too bad to have him come over for cuddling and pecks. I could get that out of him with no problem. But it would be 1) empty, 2) too much of a slippery slope and 3) I don't know that I could trust that nigga in my house. Like shit may come up missing if I ever let him in. It was truly divine protection that he never crossed my threshold. Like a vampire that could not be granted entry, except I wasn't the one blocking the door; that was God. (Thank you, God.)

As a naturally curious person, I'm so interested in his motivation for passing my house. Maybe he just wanted to see if he caught me outside. Hell, maybe it was just a part of his route. The turning around was unnecessary because I probably would not have noticed him otherwise. But yeah. If I'm on his mind, I imagine it's just about his ego bring unable to accept that despite him blowing my mind and fixing my damn back, I am sticking to my guns about not having that again. He has a huge ego so it's probably irritating that I have not backslid.

And I won't. I want to but I won't. He does not *care* for me. I understand and accept this. And it's ok. It was back then, it still is and has to be. I can't change that. But I can keep my senses about me and protect myself from additional consequences. That, I can do. That is completely under my control.

I am in control of myself. And I can control myself. I'm strong enough to do that.

It's crazy how I look back and truly feel like this man was the devil. And not even in an "he is so evil" type of way. Just that the devil knew when to show up in my life. And precisely how. He accomplished what he set out to do too, in several ways. And I facilitated all of it. Time will reveal why but boy, I wish I had done a better job of keeping myself out of the whole thing.

I think about how I just did not want to care. Mentally, it was like falling backwards with my arms outstretched into the deep, dark ocean. Then just floating along as the storm raged around me. Eyes closed, mind silent, ears ignoring all the sounds. That is the best example I can think of to describe my behavior. I didn't want to fight. Not mentally. I knew I would have to physically show up. But I didn't want to mentally. I just didn't. So I let go. Completely. I'm sad for myself that I gave up like that. But I forgive myself too.

I'll do better next time. That's really all I got.

the last - the next