Saturday, Dec. 24, 2022 - 1:05 p.m.

Chyle.

Queen Amun Ra is an astrologer I've been listening to on YouTube. She has mentioned an incubus/succubus in a few readings. I recognize this past dude as an incubus particularly as it relates to our last encounter.

In a way, it's like they've made themselves a home inside of you and it's hard to kick them out. This is true for me in a couple ways at this point but it rears its head when I'm stressed.

Like now.

The thing I imagine about him is that I can go over there and get my mind at ease. Get a shotgun session, sip some drank and cuddle. And while all will not then be right with the world (or him or me), at least for that short time, I'll be able to rest my mind; to rest my body, to rest the part of me that feels overused, overwhelmed, overtaxed and under appreciated.

Got into it with my mom today. Christmas Eve. Of course. I was very clear with her about not wanting to go shopping, not wanting to be out in all of that craziness. Very clear. Irrefutably clear. But what I've realized about my mom is that if it is not what she wants to hear, it gets ignored. She hears what is said but it must not apply to her. Especially when it comes to me, it seems. My boundaries do not apply to her. Because she knows that at the end of the day, she is going to get what she wants. I've called her the master manipulator to her face, so she knows that's how I feels she operates.

Today, I was very clear on what I did not want to do. But she thought it did not apply to her. So when I acted out about it, she tried to say I was being mean. No, I was very clear about what I did not want to do. It wasn't what she wanted to hear so she disregarded it. She even said, "Well you didn't do it (take her to yet another store) because there were all these other things you wanted to do." Really. Ha. Because when I went back over the week with her, it was undeniable that I had really only done ONE thing for myself all week outside of work, taking her shopping, getting an oil change only to take her by her house, taking her to get a pedicure. Yeah. Wasn't out gallivanting this week - that narrative just didn't work with the facts.

Well, anyway, she broke down crying. Cried all the way home, in fact, because I was being "mean" about it when I had to finally break down and say, "I don't want to do it!". Which only frustrated me more because I have taken her everywhere to shop for the holidays. The ONE gift she didn't find should not be my problem. She has had the opportunity to shop on Amazon all this time but no, didn't get around to that. So now because she doesn't have ONE gift for ONE person, I basically haven't done anything for her.

It's crazy how this shit works out.

She said, "I suggested this (big ol') shopping area (we happened to be next to only because I was dropping someone off in the housing complex next door) because I thought it was easier for you."

Easier for ME? I don't want to go shopping!

"But you never said that."

Yes I did. I specifically said "I don't want to go shopping on Christmas Eve. I said this even before we left the house to drop [her] off."

"Well I didn't take it that way."

Exactly. YOU disregarded what I said because it was not what you wanted to hear.

This happens all the time. All the time. And I feel even less heard and considered because a lot of what she wants to do, it's a couple levels more for me if she is not the one doing it (i.e. going in the store to do the shopping and stand in line) or if I have to be the one to facilitate her doing it (i.e. getting the wheelchair in/out of the car and pushing her around the store then standing in the line anwyay).

It's interesting because just yesterday, my therapist asked if I held any resentment in caring for my mom. I mentioned I'm honored to do what I am. The only part I do hold any feelings about is when she can contribute or help and she doesn't. I don't think she understands or appreciates how hard this all is. She's seen me do it for my great-aunts and knows how I felt through each of those processes. She tells me thank you but then there are ways she can help that she acts as if she is helpless. It's like please do the little things so that I don't have to do EVERYTHING. It's a freaking LOT! It's a lot! And I am one person. And I'm still supposed to even have me, which I am damn-near giving up on me because of always being for somebody else.

Even last night, I went to happy hour then came home and decided to take her to a store she wanted to go to that I knew would be too crazy to go to in regular hours. We'd discussed trying to get there for their 7am opening today but I didn't feel like waking up so super early for that after a long week. Just last night, I went out of my way to accomodate her. But that wasn't enough. It's never enough. I did everything I could to have a peaceful, quiet Christmas Eve. To avoid being stressed for Christmas Day. All for naught.

All for naught.

I feel like this started earlier in the week and has just snowballed every freaking day. Feeling like I am doing and going through SO MUCH and it just keeps getting piled on. I tweeted about doing a lot then hours later, my mom had a minor medical episode from mixing meds... It's just been one thing after another since then, including my freaking car acting up this very morning on the way to do the drop-off. And the sad thing was I told my mom I didn't want to take her with me because she is always complaining about my driving or trying to go here, there and everywhere. Took her with me anyway because she would act sad if I left her home. Things turned out worse than I could have expected.

In our argument about the shopping today, I mentioned what's happening is I communicate as much as I can but it's disregarded because it's not what she wants. I said it's just like when people say, "Let someone know if you need help." Then you say, "I need help" and people act like you didn't say anything. It's either because they disregarded what you said or they knew they never wanted to help in the first place.

In these caretaker experiences, I've openly solicited help to deaf ears. At times, including my mom. So these times when I am clearly stating myself and it's like I didn't say anything? It's crazy.

(Writing this while sitting in a French bakery run by non-french Spanish people that I found through google. It's cold today so I wanted somewhere quick and unknown to pop into. This place is apparently very popular but has thankfully cleared out now. They are playing lots of American Christmas music, which I totally appreciate for the mood I'm in. Place is not far from my house but it took a while to get here. I had to almost play chicken with a high-speed train to get over here [it was parked on the tracks; the conductor beeped when it was my turn to ride around the lowered gates although plenty cars had already done so]. Then I had to fight the traffic from that which involved driving on a sidewalk to avoid an oncoming garbage truck that decided to go around traffic at the same time I was coming down the street. *sigh* That almost made me cry because DAMN, I'm trying to get away and clear my mind from stress. I mean, did I do something yo deserve all the drama?! Ok, woosah.)

I'm really upset at this day. I'm upset about so much but the worst part has been my mom crying. I didn't feel like I needed to apologize when I was not in the wrong. And I know I'm not going to get an apology from her. But that still does not mean I want to see her cry. It hurt to see and I'm still hurt.

It shouldn't hurt to be heard. Being heard should not be a painful process. I guess the painful part is when it's a person you expect to hear you, they can repeat what you said but they did not HEAR you. They did not listen. That hurts.

I'm sad on Christmas Eve. My mom is sad on Christmas Eve.

I would love a shotgun session, a few sips of drank and some cuddles right now. It's been just over 3 months since I've seen the past dude. I'm not missing the incubus at all. But at a time like this, I sure would not mind at least that part of the experience.

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