Monday, May. 18, 2020 - 10:37 p.m.

I baked cookies tonight. It was a big accomplishment. I'm proud of myself.

There's a recipe for chocolate chip cookies that I've wanted to make. For weeks. First, I didn't have chocolate chips. Then I realized I had chocolate truffles that I could chop up and would actually prefer, since they are dark chocolate (long left milk chocolate alone). Ok, great - crossed that hurdle. Then, I needed baking soda. Never thought to get it from the store on any of the trips I took to one. Nope. I had to wait to go to my mom's house to get some of hers. After a week or probably two, finally got that. Ok, I was ready. Intimidated as hell by the recipe for NO DAMN REASON. But finally, I was ready. Welp, read the ingredients list and....guess what.... Needed cornstarch. *womp womp womp* No cookies to be made. Once again, had to wait to go by my mom's house to get some despite the fact that I probably went to two stores in the meantime. Finally got the cornstarch.

No lie, I've probably been getting around to making these cookies for over a month now. Had the cornstarch since Saturday. Today is when I was ready to face my fears and make these damn cookies. And I waited, trying to find an excuse to do something else instead of the cookies. But then it rained and took away the opportunity for my excuse. Welp, guess I better get up and try to make these doggone cookies. *sigh*

It was nerve-wracking, making those cookies. About halfway through the process, I imagined telling the lady who made the recipe that she would be shocked at my anxiety around making those cookies, being that I actually know how to cook! Didn't make no sense. And, of course, it went very smoothly and effortlessly. But it took so much out of me. Ironically, I'm now full of energy, instead of being exhausted. Yes, accomplishing this thing I had convinced myself would not work out has given me energy. I feel like I'm wide awake right now (although I'll probably start nodding as soon as I get in the bed LOL).

I'm just so proud of myself!

It's so weird, confronting my fear of success. I fear success so much so that for something I know I can do - like bake cookies - I have so much fear. I bake cookies allllll the time, except it's always the prepackaged dough. I don't remember making cookie dough as an adult. So I guess that's where my fear lay. I didn't want to mess up the dough and ruin the cookies even though it was just following a recipe. It's like my mind knew I could do it but I'd convinced myself I would mess everything up some kinda way. Lawd! Sounds crazier, the more I write it! SMH It was just cookie dough. Hell, if it turned out bad, I coulda just threw it in the garbage and tried again! But no, I had to create this big bag of fear in my mind just at the thought. And missed out on eating delicious homemade cookies all this time for no reason! (By the way, now I have 14 balls of dough, ready to pop in the oven whenever I want them.)

It's just so interesting, exploring my mind these days. I have so many built-in fears for positively absolutely no reason. And now that I'm working through them, it's showing me how easy it is to just do shit. Just do it, get it over with and be done. And move on.

Yesterday, I tried out my business idea at a gathering that included some of my "friends". I put "friends" because they didn't take it seriously when I said I wanted to try it out on them. On top of that, they were hella uninvolved: talked all the way throughout, did not pay attention. Just.....sigh....SMH. But honestly, I'm glad they did. Because it gave me a lot of great info on audience engagement, what worked/what didn't, things I need to add/subtract to make the activity better. I appreciated the experience for that. To be able to get that kind of information without having to embarrass myself in front of strangers was actually priceless.

How did I feel about my business idea? I was nervous, I was wondering if it was really interesting or effective while doing it, I was close to second-guessing this idea/plan at the end of the presentation. But then, everybody told me how great a job I did. A couple even mentioned they'd like me to do some private events. Then today, via text, my best friend was hyping me up to make it an even bigger idea than what I have it as currently which 1) overwhelmed me and 2) brought my idea full-circle, because what she proposed is what I started out with. But I'd convinced myself that was too big a dream and scaled it down to what I'm currently pursuing. I had to end the conversation due to being overwhelmed but I do look forward to discussing it with her further when I can wrap my mind about it.

I got a website today. *gasp* Told my best friend about a deal I'd found and even though she was hesitant, she signed right up. And here I was, still toying around with the idea. SMH Locked the url in tonight.

I'm trying to let myself careen through this thing. I'm doing as much as I can in terms of moving forward with stuff, even if my mind is telling me not to do it out of fear. So far, it's worked with the practice run with my friends and the website. Going to setup some social media next. Will get photos taken. Will write up a communication to send out to potential partner/sponsor companies. Gonna work on thangs this week, instead of continuing to slack off about it. I'm moving quicker than I imagined, but still going at a snail's pace. Time to kick thangs into a higher gear. I got too many people rooting for me, pushing and motivating me. They see what they see in me. I'm trying to see it too. Working hard to see it.

Didn't feel like doing work for my job today so I was productive for myself. And I'm okay with that. Will do better tomorrow no matter what because there are a bunch of conference calls on my schedule.

Laughing at myself with the amount of energy I have right now. LOL

the last - the next