Sunday, Jun. 21, 2020 - 12:38 a.m.

Had typed up a long post a few weeks ago, which I mistakenly deleted. Been building up the motivation to revisit those ideas but now, I've forgotten them.

I think it was something around journalists being attacked during the protests. Yes, that was it. Watching cameramen and their equipment getting shot up with rubber bullets. If I wasn't afraid of society's direction before, that scared the shit out of me. Like, the police don't even want us to see what's happening - they know they're being exposed. If we can't see what's going on anymore, we're doomed. Watching it happen, live.... It was a lot. Still is a lot.

I'm sad. This is a painful time for me, as a black woman. And I hate feeling like I was more "okay" before the entire world started validating racial inequalities than I am now. It's like being the victim of a violent crime and being allowed to suffer in silence vs having the wound ripped open for the world to see and discuss. It's not easy. It's very, very painful. I've used the word "painful" so much in the past couple days. But it is. It hurts. It even hurts to know my other Black folks are hurting. We are hurting. Makes me incredibly sad that we are not optimistic. There's no reason to be. History and society have not showed us that things will change. So there is all this discussion and hullabaloo and we know that in a year, things will still be the same.

It's heartbreaking.

Anyway. Don't want to wallow in it because I've been doing that enough.

Time is a construct. That phrase has never been more real to me than it is now. Time passes and seems to disappear. It feels WEIRD. Like, a whole week goes by and next thing you know, it's 2 months down the line. That's how I feel. I feel like time is moving faster than EVER but yet, standing completely still. It's seriously weirding me out.

My job announced that if we are effectively working from home, we will be working from home indefinitely. My boss is working to secure equipment for our entire team to work from home permanently. Baby. I am NOT complaining! I go into the office once a week to send out some information and while I do enjoy that day in the office, I don't miss that place when I'm not there. And I'm SURE AS HELL happy to be away from some of the agent orange supporters who work in my office. Things would be quite contentious if we all had to be together, so I'm glad to be away during this time.

I made another batch of cookies today. It was a Nestle Toll House cookie recipe. Made them with dark chocolate chips. BOMB! So good!!! Had a little anxiety at the thought of making this batch too but got it done.

I've also made two separate batches of tomato sauce. A neighbor and an aunt gave me a few pounds of ripe tomatoes about two weeks apart. I roasted them in the oven with oil, garlic and seasonings. First batch came out good but I regretted not taking off the skins. They were not friendly to my braces. Took the skins off for the second batch and......BAY-BAY! Lawd!!! That sauce is delicious!!!! I don't want to eat it because I don't want it to go away! OMG!

What I am MOST enjoying about this "new lifestyle" is the time to actually do shit. Like......I don't have to rush to do EVERYTHING. Sometimes, I catch myself getting impatient as if I have something urgent to do or somewhere urgent to be. Then I be like, "wait, you ain't got to rush!" I very much so enjoy this. Very much so enjoy this life pace.

I had started focusing on manifesting but have fallen off with listening to information and practicing. I'm realizing I was doing all of that on my daily walks. It was 90 minutes of time to focus on that a few times a week. Haven't walked in like 4-6 weeks because my feet are still messed up, so I haven't focused that time like I had been. I gotta get back on my walks. I miss 'em. I'ma try this week.

Overall, I wanna get back on my bullshit this week. I'd started smelling myself a month ago, started getting confident and self-assured. Fell off once I stopped walking. There is indeed a direct correlation. Gotta get back on my bullshit immediately.

I'm ready for a new job. Lord, come through for me. Thank you.

I try to pray daily for God to remove Agent Orange from office. After tonight's "rally", I believe the time is coming very soon. I feel it.

I need an office desk. This whole time (including right now), I've been working from my dining room table. Going to get on the ball this week with that.

Okay, be back soon. Bedtime.

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