Friday, May. 15, 2020 - 4:57 p.m.

Good Afternoon.

I've been wanting to write for a while. Been quite lazy the past few weeks. I had a very energetic spurt at one point before I started back working. But since I got back to work...meh.

My right heel was injured from wearing the wrong shoes so I've had to take a week off of walking. I miss it. *cries* And I'm getting fluffier. So I gotta get back on the ball with that. Still amazed at how my body and mind just jumped right back into the walking process like that.

Started filling out my side-hustle idea a little more. Beginning to get excited about it. Will be trying out the idea on some friends on Sunday to see how it feels.

This quiet time has been so needed to really rewire my thinking; to get me out of the mindset of fear and failure. To start believing myself and IN myself. To believe that I can succeed, that I am worthy of success, that I can achieve the things my mind conjured up.

The other night, I woke up at 4:35am with a business idea tipped off because of a dream. Wrote the whole concept down - 5 in the morning - so I wouldn't forget. The way I feel about my side-hustle is the way I feel about that idea. But I need to convince myself it is viable and should be pursued. So I still have A LOT of mental work to do. I know this. At least I have some direction now. Phew.

Speaking of mental work.... So I unblocked AReid and he literally disrespected the exact same boundary all over again. I am not communicating with him anymore. I needed that experience to remind me that I don't have to go back, in any situation, under any circumstance. I'd justified unblocking him because 1) we've communicated for so long and 2) I know I will have to see/deal with him some point at work. Also, because of work, we know some of the same people, so I was worried about what he would go back and say to them. But I realized absolutely none of that matters. What matters is that I set boundaries he did not care to respect, which means he does not respect me.

I am worthy of respect. I deserve respect. Under no circumstance do I *not* deserve respect. There is *no one* from whom I do not deserve respect. To allow someone to disrespect me - someone in my life who calls me "friend" - is me disrespecting myself. And I'm done disrespecting myself. Not just with him, but in general. I deserve better. I owe myself better.

Also realized I attract narcissists. Have rarely, if ever (saying that to be fair since my memory ain't the best) pursued them - they've always come to me. Thought about some of the nonsensical male relationships/interactions I've had through the years and realized it's been happening all along. I just didn't realize it. Finally came to understand this. Learned it through the mental work I've been doing during this quiet time. Had the thought this is probably why I've been single all this time: had to learn this first. Thankfully, I haven't been broken because of it in a real relationship. That likely would have damaged me in a major way. *Thankfully*, I haven't experienced anything like that. I'll work hard to get narcissists away from me, moving forward, now that I understand all this.

I don't want nobody I have to make feel special. I don't want nobody with an inflated sense of self. I don't want nobody who needs fixing. I don't want nobody like that. I want a whole man who is whole, complete. I may not have thought that before, but I sure as hell do now.

It's been interesting, working through so many thoughts during this time. Working through a lot of what I think about myself, my behaviors, my fears... Rewiring my thoughts. It's been very interesting and pretty scary, because I know it's just the tip of the iceberg. I'm afraid of the even deeper work. But this is showing me it must be done. What I have learned and already implemented shows me it must be done. I'm gonna keep plugging away. My life is already changing so much because of it.

I had a webinar to moderate for work yesterday. Planning was rushed and advertisement went out only 2 days before. I wasn't confident we would get the participation I'd hope we would because of that. Driving to work, I was thinking about all that when I stopped myself in my own tracks. I said, hold up, wait a minute! I've been doing all this work to change my thinking and there I was, DOOMING the whole thing before it ever started. I immediately - I mean, IMMEDIATELY - shifted my thinking. I said, out loud, "I am grateful to do my very first zoom webinar! I am grateful to MODERATE my first zoom webinar! I am grateful to have secured the SENIOR DIRECTOR of my organization's Infection Control department to participate - I never imagined getting someone that far up the totem pole to do it! I am grateful to moderate a panel that includes TWO CEO's of successful businesses!"

By the time I got that out, I knew the webinar would be AWESOME! I was driving, literally in awe of how awesome and amazing all those points were. I was even further in awe at how I didn't realize any of it before I took the time to look for the things to be grateful for. It's crazy. I was so focused on every possible negative outcome, I didn't take even one moment to look at the good of any of it. Insanity. IN-sanity!

I got a lot of work to do. But, like I said, at least I have some direction. It's going to take a while. I needed this time to get started. I'm grateful for starting the work to rewire my thinking.

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