Thursday, Jun. 04, 2015 - 10:57 p.m.

Ahhhhhh, it's been so long! Or maybe not? I guess I'm just so looking forward to getting back consistent with writing in my diary. I need these memories. My brain doesn't retain anything these days so if it's not here, it's gone until something random pulls a memory out of the vault.

A few things, in no particular order:

I have a new crush. At work. I know. Boy crazy, right?! LOL I don't go ANYWHERE as far as out socially anymore, so it's logical that any new crushes I develop are gonna be happening at work. I mean, I attend various adult events (food tastings, drink samplings, etc.), but no clubbing whatsoever. I behave like a family woman as far as my outings. LOL Maybe this is what 34 is supposed to be? I don't know. But it is what it is.

BACK to my crush. Tall, dark and handsome. It's interesting for me because I had to work with him a lot over the past almost year. I didn't even hardly look at him before like February or maybe even March (probably late March). Actually, I think it was April. There was one particular meeting where I recall sensing something hmmm vibrating off of him. Of course, that's when I started paying attention. Aha. LOL I am enjoying this professional dance that we're doing, but I'm not trying to fool myself or get hyped up about it. But I do have fun with it. And he is playing into it, whether that's intentional or not.

So I like to blurt out with some real true thoughts from time to time up in here. This is one of those times. I gotta give a tiny backstory for the full effect:

Before I met this particular work crush, I had to constantly enter his information into the database I managed in my previous position. It was to the point where I knew his info, out of all the pieces of info I had to enter, by heart. All that to say, I just knew the man was old and white. I imagined an elderly white mail with snow white hair. That's the vision I had of this man. So imagine the first meeting I sat in with him in my current position, where people were calling his name. I'm looking around like, "Where is SoandSo?", because even though I heard his name being called, I didn't see the guy I envisioned in my head. So I was shocked - I mean, SHOCKED - to see this tall middle-aged black man. I'll always have that memory of the first time I saw "DC".

So the reason I mentioned that backstory is because the position DC has at my organization is high. He is highly-regarded, well-respected, in high demand and does a great job, apparently. I'm a Capricorn. Power. It does something to me. It's exciting. It's.....it turns me on. I canNOT LIE! So every meeting that I'm in where he's there and the focus of the discussion, I get like, *SIGH*. LOL I'm fangirling in the corner a little bit. For real. But I don't show it.

I'm having fun in my crush frame of mind. Don't judge me. :-P

Speaking of meetings and focus of discussions....

Sooooo I had a presentation in front of the entire leadership at my organization. Anyone in any kind of position was in the room. It was a powerpoint that I created and had to explain. I was so nervous that my stomach was all messed up the night before. LMAO. I was worried that I'd be sick the next morning during the meeting, but thank goodness I was so empty that it didn't end up being a concern (TMI, I knowwww). My boss and her boss and others at my org keep saying that I need "more exposure". That more people at the org need to know who I am. Chyle. I was all, BUT I DON'T WANT NOBODY TO KNOW WHO I AM!! LOL But SMH too. People telling me they want to elevate me and I'm fussing and kicking against it.

Why? Because my org is so cut-throat. It's like working for a Fortune 500 company. You know how when there's a scandal at a company, they always say a person was terminated as a result. The position, that I basically "fell into", is so political and so high-profile that it's outrageous. Everyday, I feel like I step on a new land mine. Every day. Literally. I have stepped on so many toes, including the executive leadership (The 3 C's). So many hands are on me, all the way up to local government leadership. There are so many days that I've been AFRAID to go to a meeting. Like, who am I gonna piss off today? Chyle. Ugh.

I've been against growth/promotion/elevation at my job because I could swear that it's only gonna lead to me getting fired. But that's no way to work. I'll never push myself or even try to reach higher heights with such a mindset.

So I prayed about it, talked to God and my mom about it. And just yesterday, I came to the understanding that God has been doing all of whatever has happened in my life thus far. For so long at this org, God has been protecting and shielding me. It's all been for a reason. I have to trust that he is doing something great in my life. He wants me elevated, promoted. He wants me to grow. Importantly, I need to want these things for myself.

God wants me to have an amazing life. I've been living an amazing life. There's no reason for every area of my life to not be amazing. God wants amazing things for me. He forced me into this position. He's kept me here. He wants the best for me. I CANNOT allow fear of anything in this natural world (a CEO, a paycheck, comfort, stability, money) to keep me from achieving the greatness that he is outlining and positioning me for in my life. It's not fair to God, it's not fair to myself.

I'll be working on shedding fear of the things of this world so that I can live a fearless life. God has a fearless life on deck for me. I need to embrace it.

In other, other news, I have a hair appointment with new stylist on Saturday. I'm hoping it goes well. LOL Such a little thing to mention but why not? It's on my mind. I have about 1.5inches of unlocked new growth. I had to wash the ocean and pool out of my hair at the resort so my roots have been outrageous ever since. I got them all together for that meeting yesterday though. LOL. People were complimenting me like I'd just gotten my hair done. LOLOL I'm looking forward to the grooming, ok? LOL

I've got a lot of work to do in my life in all areas. Gonna be working diligently to start addressing and attacking some of these to do's.

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