Wednesday, Dec. 05, 2012 - 4:13 p.m.

So my great-aunt is back in the hospital. Today makes over a week. I looked at the calendar and this is the fourth month in a row that she's been in the hospital. At this point, she needs around the clock care to be well and remain stable. There's no way around it. She needs someone there 24/7 to feed her, to give her her meds, her breathing treatments, to bathe her, etc. I can't do it. No one else is stepping up to do anything when it comes to her.

She needs to go into a home. But I doubt she will do that. She is stuck to her house like glue. She ain't lettin that thang go. Not at all.

I admit: there is a part of me that NEEDS to be doing SOMETHING. Especially when it comes to someone in need - there is something in me that NEEDS to help. Maybe it's a NEED to feel NEEDED. I've briefly explored that idea (a few times - maybe even here) before.

I'm saying this because when I started looking after my great-aunt, it was because I had some free time on my hands. I wasn't terribly busy at the time. My mom started saying, "Hey, let's drop by & check on Aunt J." At that time, I was shuttling my mom home from work, didn't have a great deal of things to do after work so hey, no problem. We'd go by, check up on her, make sure she had something to eat, go on about our way. No biggie.

But the more I went by, the more I noticed that there were things she was struggling with. Her meds were scattered all over her bed. It seemed like she drew blood whenever she tried to give herself insulin because of her arthritic and gnarled up fingers. I could tell that she was skipping meals because she didn't feel like making herself anything to eat.

Then one day in particular, an older nephew (older than my mom) stopped in to check on her. She wasn't feeling well that day - dizzy, confused, in bad shape. The older nephew LEFT THE HOUSE and proceeded to call his sister who then called me at my job (the sister is retired, btw) to tell me that Aunt J wasn't looking good, that I should go over and maybe take her to the hospital.

Since that day, I've been her primary caretaker.

I'm not terribly upset with my mother for not pitching in. She's not well herself. And especially now with the loss of her own husband.

But the rest of these folks? They need to be shamed! This is THEIR aunt. Their direct aunt. Why am I - her niece's daughter, her brother's grandchild - taking care of this woman by myself? It's like once the rest of them figured out that I had an interest in her well-being, they just completely stepped back with hands up. Like, "Phew! Thank goodness she's around to take care of her because I sho'll ain't feel like it." I think it's very wrong. But I don't have the time or energy to say anything to them. Truly, I feel like I shouldn't have to.

I mean, my uncle, I don't feel any negativity towards him, either. He was looking after my aunt for years, as long as I can remember, really. Going by, checking on her, doing things around the house for her. He's old and has a hard job as it is. He gets a pass. But the rest? Nah son. It just ain't right.

But IRregardless, my great-aunt still requires care. I would love for her to sell her house and get into a nursing home. It would be good for her because 1) there's 24-hour care - she'll be fed and given her meds on a schedule, etc.; 2) there are always other people around and she loves to talk and socialize; and 3) (and this is just honesty here) it would take the burden of her care off of me.

I am soooooo stressed out taking care of her. Seriously. Like, no, for real, for real. I am ill from taking care of her, real talk. I cannot keep up with my own mental, physical, spiritual well-being for taking care of my great-aunt. Every decision I make revolves around her. Every one.

I understand that this is probably what life with children will be like but I ain't got no kids right now - by choice. Sooooo.....

I"m venting. That's what I'm doing.

Truthfully, I wish I could do more. Honestly, I believe I can do more. I believe that if I make the true sacrifice and committment that this situation requires, I can do it. I can take care of her in addition to working. It would be extremely difficult and would take everything out of me, but it could be done.

I know it's selfish to say, but I kinda don't want to make that sacrifice. I feel like I'm still young, I don't have many responsibilities by choice, I don't bother anybody, I'm still about living life to the fullest - I don't WANT to STOP my life to take care of someone else.

But then again, what if this was my mother? What if something happened to my mom to where she needed my care on a full-time basis? Wouldn't I drop everything without a second thought? Didn't I move back in to help her even though she is capable of helping herself right now?

So why not do what needs to be done for my aunt? Why not make that sacrifice without a thought? Why not put myself aside - with all of the living I (think I) have left to do - and dedicate myself to her care?

I want to yell about how "it's not fair" that the generation that should be taking care of her is not doing it.

I want to fuss at her about not being able to let go of a house, a structure that can't do anything and does nothing for her.

I want to fuss about her doctors, who love to see her coming because it's a guaranteed check but do pretty much nothing for her except write prescriptions.

Oh, and also, I want to fuss at her because she refuses to change doctors. But that's another issue.

I want to apologize to her for me not doing more.

I want to apologize to her for, in a sense, living my life while I should have been taking care of her.

My mom says I shouldn't think the way I do. That I shouldn't feel guilty for not doing more because I need to live my life too. And that's fine. But what about my great-aunt?

One thing that I have learned from this is that I literally take on too many people's issues. I can't continue to do this. I just can't. I am here, literally sick because I have assumed someone else's situation and made it my own. I can't keep this up. Not if I plan on living a healthy life.

ARRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!

Ugh.

In the meantime, I don't know what's going to happen. I'm just praying for her to get well enough to come home and we'll take it from there.

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