"Tatted up... Tatted up! Tatted up! Tatted up..."
Monday, Apr. 30, 2007 - 10:49 p.m.
What drives me crazy sometimes - damn-near to the point of tears even - is the thought that people in my life dont't care to extend themselves for me the way I do for them.
I just about kill myself, running around trying to be everything and do everything for everybody all the time but it is absolutely insane for me to think that those same people would in any way extend themselves the same way for me.
Of course, this all takes me back to why I probably could not let go of Jerramy for so long back in the day. Whatever I asked him to do for me or be for me, he did or he was. Granted, I had to ask him at times which, in my vision of a perfect beautiful relationship, is not the way things should go - emotional support should be delivered without either side having to ask for it. Then again, there were situations where I wasn't open with my feelings so I take some of the blame.
But yeah, if I was in an emergency or made a request of him that would cause him to have to extend himself in any way, he did it. No hemming and hawwing, no questions asked - he just did it. Didn't make me feel guilty for my request or feel like I was being a bother for asking. He just did it. There were really only 2 or 3 instances where I asked him for anything but obviously, his reaction to doing something for me was so different from everybody else's that it has stayed with me all these years...
I must be living my life wrong for it to be where everybody knows and feels totally comfortable coming to me and making requests outrageous demands of me but when I am in need, those same people treat me as if I must have lost my mind to have the audacity to approach them with even a simple request.
It's really disheartening and it really hurts my feelings whenever it happens. Nevertheless, if those same people need something from me after they have turned down my needs, I don't hesitate to still supply.
It's all good though...
No, it ain't. It ain't all good at all. It's wrong and it's selfish. What am I going to do about it? Get selfish too? Naw, that's just not in my nature. And I would hate to have to put a disclaimer on my assistance. But this shit is really starting to get ridiculous.
I'm just really disappointed right now. Just really disappointed and hurt. Maybe if it wasn't who it was that turned their back on me in my rare time of need, I wouldn't be so sad about it. But it's them so the pain ain't goin' nowhere.