2004-07-15 - 5:48 p.m.

Nothin' much goin' on.

I'm pissed at myself for not knowing what to do after having the condom break, as far as who to contact and all that. I could have escaped this dread of not knowing for sure.

I went to see the gyno today. If I have a disease or something, finally I'll know.

Avoidance is not the answer. That's what I've been doing - avoiding finding out for sure my status as far as any diseases and all that is concerned.

I haven't had an official AIDS test yet. I did make an attempt to get one (albeit, it was just a few weeks ago) but my doctor forgot to get my signature for it so I've been dancing around that one since then. But tomorrow, I'ma hit them up for real.

I've never been tested for an STD. I haven't gotten on any birth control. I don't know what the hell I was thinkin'.

My momma doesn't officially know that I'm active but I think I'ma break the news to her soon. She be droppin' hints and all that, so i'm sure she knows. She probably thinks I started having sex way before I actually did. I didn't start until February of last year. 22 years old.

Yeah, I'm "grown" or whatever. Fact of the matter is, I still llive at home.

But at least I wouldn't feel like I let her down or anything. I done graduated from college. I'm an all-for-myself female. Don't nobody do nothin' for me. I'm self-contained. Only bill in that house I don't have a hand in paying is the water bill.

I'm 23 with no kids. By this time in her life, I was 4 years old. So yeah, I won't feel like I let her down.

I think she'll be happy that I'm being honest with her. And at least then, I won't have to explain every month what that NuvaRing is doing in the refrigerator...

Ugh, I just hate not knowing for sure. All I can do is believe that I am not pregnant. Hold onto the little bit of hope that pregnancy test gave me, ya know? LOL. But it ain't funny.

Am I scared? Not really. If I were pregnant, I'd probably be embarassed for a little while but once me and that baby really started to connect, the world would cease to matter.

I'm happy about one thing though. I've been praying to God that I'm not pregnant. Praying everyday. But then today, it clicked. No matter what happens, I'm still gonna thank God anyhow because I know that EVERYTHING that happens in my life is part of the plan, part of his plan.

I'll have no one to blame but myself. I will not be angry with God. Yeah, it's easy to say now when I don't know for sure. But I already know that when I do know for sure, it still won't matter. I'll still love God. He's been to good for me to stop loving him.

Even if I were to have a child at this point in my life, the doors would continue to open. He would continue to place people and opportunities in my path that would help me to succeed.

It seems funny that I'm bringing up my relationship with God when I'm talking about what could happen as a result of me being disobedient. But he knows my heart. He knows my thoughts. He knows what I'm going through.

And honestly, I know he understands. He's watching me and thinking to himself, "This doggone fool..." But I'm who he watches over - the fool. He watches over the babies and the fools. And I know he's watching over me. And I thank him for that.

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