2004-03-11 - 2:49 p.m.

My job has all of a sudden become a high-pressure situation. For real. Like, overnight. All of a sudden, I've got people from all over the company looking at me to correct problems that have been in existence for the 50 years that the company has been around...

Wha? Okay, I'm confused. Just Tuesday, I was sittin' in my cubicle, mindin' my own bizness. Nobody was even concerned about me.

Now today, all of a sudden, the same people who had zoomed by my desk every other day I've worked here for the past 9 months now see fit to stop by my desk and pour out their hearts about how messed up their department is and how they can't wait to sit and sort things out with my help...

Like I know what the hell I'm doing! One of the departments I'm supposed to be doing work for, I didn't even know what the three letters stood for. It wasn't my business to know. (I don't feel sooo bad about that though 'cause the one lady from that department that I had to sit with today had to call around to find out and she's been working in that department for three months.)

But still! Dammit! Even though it bored me out of my mind, I kinda preferred sittin' around, lookin' busy. Right?

Naw. I hope I can get used to this kinda work 'cause I need to experience being a real employee at a real company. Everybody gotta do it at some point. At least I ain't tryna be doing this for real for the rest of my life. It's just temporary. And I know that. So, it'll be alright.

Right? I hope so.

Tonight is gonna be a killer at home 'cause I gotta make up for somewhere I went yesterday when I had other ish to do at home. The thing is, yeah, my stepfather has ish he wants me to do. But let us not forget that I work two jobs basically everyday of the week (and sometimes the damn weekends - it feels like it anyways!). And that's before any other ish I do. I truly believe I am entitled to enjoy my life in my spare time.

What I have to do at the house is not for anyone else's benefit but mine (and I could REALLY care less about doing it 'cause it ain't hinderin' my life in any way in the state it's in now) so why should anyone else be concerned about it? Exactly. But my stepfather is. And he makes it a big issue and gets a lil' funky attitude about the ish.

At first, I used to care. Now, it's not necessarily that I don't care but, like D says, "What can you do? What can you do?"

"I work at pleasin' me 'cause I can't please you
And that's why I do what I do"
Erykah Badu, "Apple Tree"

I figure I'm a good lil' daughter. I work (like I said TWO jobs), I do not get into trouble (mainly 'cause I'm a goody two-shoes but mostly 'cause I just can't stand trouble and drama), I'm very respectful, I pay bills (WHAT!!), I'm self-contained (no kids), I don't ask my parents for anything.

So why should a female be tried to be held under lock and key? Why should my friends know that I'm talkin' about my stepfather when I say, "The Warden"? It just ain't right. I mean, I understand why he acts the way he does (he really values control and his position as man of the house) and trust me, I ain't tryna step on his toes about that 'cause, at the end of the day, that house does belong to him and my mother. But damn. I ain't botherin' nobody there. So stop harassin' me about inconsequential crap.

Thanks.

That's what I don't get about my life sometimes. I think I mean that's what I don't get about me. Big things, they can't stress me out to the point where I get down about 'em. But discord in my home? I can't take that. It negatively affects everything else I do because it negatively effects me. And it's so stupid 'cause there are so many other things that I have to worry/think about than lil' shit that I am "supposed" to be doing at my damn house. All this freakin' stress over nuthin'.

I didn't even get a chance to fully think about my job situation 'cause the day it happened, I went home to some nonsense. I really don't have time or energy for this shit but I just can't call myself gettin' my own place to stay anytime soon 'cause I'm payin' major billage 'round up in these parts. If I moved out, I'd be workin' like a dog just to have a roof over my head and I ain't ready for that kinda lifestyle right 'bout now. Hence, I have to just suck it up and deal with the bullshit.

Yuck.

I would LOVE to really get over this shit and just walk around like "I don't give a phuh!" 'cause it would really make me feel better but I care too much about his feelings and my mom's feelings to do that shit so I'll go home and carry his monkies on my damn back.

Let a female win the lottery though...I'ma be like, "PAAAAAYYYYCCCCEEEEE!!!!!" on the reala fa skrilla!!! I'ma be up and out and all! Might even leave all my ish behind to be handled however he pleases.

Damn, I wish I ain't care so much sometimes...

Aiight. Let me take my mind off this foolishness...

I'm thinkin' about cuttin' my nails down. They've grown lovely and urrthang but because of how rough I am with my hands, three of 'em done broke somethin' ugly and my hands now look all outta everywhichaway. So yeah, I think I'ma cut 'em down and start over. At least I ain't bite 'em away. I was HIGHLY tempted and have caught myself nibbling on one of the broken ones 'bout three times. Ironically enough, it's been in the past two days that I found myself nibbling... Stress... Mmm-hmmm.

At least I achieved my main objective - to grow my nails in all by myself. To stop allowing my emotions to lead me to tear my lil' nails apart with my teeth 1) 'cause my hands ended up lookin' fugly, 2) 'cause it's nasty to be spittin' nail pieces all over everywhere and 3) 'cause I can't stand being out of control like that. So, I'm happy I made the progress I did. They are truly some beautiful thangs. But I'm thinkin' a cuttin' down needs to a'commence. So I'ma handle that.

I'm lookin' forward to hangin' out tonight. I don't feel like seein' my stepfather's face tonight and I just have a lot of excess tension that needs to be released in some shape, form or fashion and I feel like tonight can make it happen...

That's if, of course, Massa (bka "The Warden") don't throw a 4x4 across the door and chain me up inside the house. I don't see it happenin' but you never know what people are planning on doing these days.

Before I forget, I had a fun time with J & D and Sweet Phil last night. We almost had to defend somebody we ain't even know from being attacked last night by a crazy dude that just rolled up outta nowhere but thankfully, ain't nothin' go down.

*sssssiiiiiggghhhhhh*

At least Saturday is the day after tomorrow...

EDIT: Oh, let me shut up about it! I can't stand letting other people get to me!!!!

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