Wednesday, Nov. 02, 2022 - 1:16 a.m.

Life is crazy, yo. How did October come and go like that?!?! Goodness gracious.

Thank God, my mom had a follow-up mammogram that detected NO cancer. 🙌🏾 🙌🏾 🙌🏾 We had no anxiety about the follow-up mammogram until after the actual test when they had us wait in this tiny lil hidden hallway to speak with a doctor. That's not how the mammograms had gone before so all of a sudden, it became nerve-wracking. When he arrived and smiled, I felt the little worry that had crept up, melt away.

God is good.

And it's not that God is good because we got the news we wanted, hoped for, prayed for. It's because He is in the midst and always makes a point to let us know that. Just knowing He's in the midst is the evidence of His goodness.

Can't believe this journey is over. There will always be follow-up and Lord knows my mom's appointment schedule has not yet lightened up. But the battle has been won for now. We can finally rest from this.

Sheesh. It's been a long time. It's weird because time has indeed passed - like 8 months of it - yet feels like it has stood still at the same time. There was so much going on, it is all a blur. I didn't even have time to document much of anything as it was happening because it was moving so fast. Like, it's crazy. Her surgery seems like it was just a few weeks ago. Chemo is like it never happened - I think my brain is blocking that part. Radiation actually became a part of our daily schedule. My body and brain are still working to reconcile that we don't have those appointments anymore.

It's in thinking about the days I worked, then we'd go for a visit to her radiation oncologist at one facility then onto radiation at another facility; valet and check-in at both to be all done by 6:30/6:45pm. Like, how we did all that??? So many days, I remarked how it was beneficial to us to have come from a background of constantly being on the go. Physiologically, we were able to slip right back into that level of hectic without being too stressed. I am indeed glad it is over though. It was not sustainable for the long-run in any shape, form or fashion. Thankfully, I had time to use up for work so for the month of September, I was off every Monday and Friday. That was a blessing in the midst of everything going on.

Talking about blessings, the financial blessings are pouring in! This is always weird for me. With as much time as I used for time off work, still had a week's worth of PL time left over. So that was a couple thousand extra on my paycheck. Finally did my 2021 taxes. After several years, got a couple thousand back (praise God!). Found out yesterday that I'm getting an unexpected 5% merit increase. It's bonus season at work so whatever that looks like, I'll be happy (hopefully, fingers crossed; blessed no matter what). Even a $200 debt was repaid and a $100 gift card that was messed up finally got replaced by the company. God wants me to understand abundance will always be around me. Money is one thing he has taken off my plate to worry about. And I am grateful.

I was honored with an award by an agency. Got to take my family as guests. That was nice. A lil nerve-wracking because my aunt said her husband wasn't going then the day of, he was. So I had to ask for an extra seat to be accomodated. It worked out in the end but I'm still embarrassed by it. I don't think the org cares that much but I know and that's enough. It's been over a week - I can let that go by now. Again, woosah.

My yard guy has been after me to go on a date for more than a year. Although he seems nice, I picked up on a few attributes I can't get behind. With my recent situation, I decided to gone and give him that date. Heck, why not. Well, he fumbled it from the get-go. So another chance I was going to give even though I didn't see it going anywhere went poof. It's not me, of that I am convinced. So all my chance-givings have been given away. The next dude will have to earnestly earn a chance with me. I look forward to basking in my boundaries, even if that means being alone for a long time.

Thing is, being single doesn't bother me. I've done that just fine for forever. I *do* crave the physical side of things. That's how I landed in the mess with SJ. But the consequences of that have me cool on physicalities for some time to come. Like, I'll be alright without 'em for a while. Not chasing after none of that no time in the near future.

Saw something earlier today that said to write down what I'd want to say to someone, even if I didn't send it, just to get it off my chest. This is what I wrote down for SJ:

Doesn't make sense that I still want to communicate with you. I feel like you knew you had this all along. My gut tells me this. My gut also tells me you're a bad person - just look how u did the mother of your kids. If the childhood stories you told me are true, I guess it all makes sense. But wow. I'm sorry this is my life now. But I'ma live it to the full, just the same. I still want to fuck ya even though I'm scared you really do have something else. I just enjoyed the sex so much and the way you folded me up. I may reach out to have you come by a hotel room and give me a massage and a good stretch. No sex tho. Overall I don't hate you. It was my decisions that got me here. I had all the signs, all the warnings, all the disappointing behaviors but I just had to persevere and chase down what I wanted, what I thought I needed . Learned so much about myself through you. So thanks for that at least.

Again, it's what I *want* to say. In a better world under better circumstances. Since that is not the case, the message won't ever be sent. Same as that card I was going to send before the truth came to light. Ripped up and in the trash. Will put that gift card to use one day soon.

Anywhoo, I'm excited because my property tax bill came out today and I already have the money set aside to pay them. That makes me happy. Very. Will be paying that later this week.

Lastly, an honorable mention of AReid. Because why not. He called when he saw my lin.ke.din announcement about the award. Called to congratulate me. He has to be able to say he spoke with me about it in case someone mentions it. That's how he operates. Chyle.

Okay, I am falling asleep trying to finish this. The month of November will not pass without another update from me.

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