"She never said that we would curse, cry and scream and lie."
Monday, Oct. 10, 2022 - 10:28 p.m.
No fairytales.
I've been thinking that SJ was my reflection in the mirror.
** Before I forget, told my mom about my situation. Felt like she should know. I'd found out before her last radiation treatment but didn't want to mention it until well after. She was so sweet and supportive about it. I love her so much.
For some reason, had been thinking a lot about my great-aunt as it relates to this thing. She lived alone, no children, was widowed twice. But as long as I'd lived, she was alone in her home (outside of a few room renters). I wondered if this would be my fate. I've wondered that for a long time, honestly. Anywhoo, in deciding whether or not to tell my mom what I have going on, I kept thinking of my great-aunt for some reason. When my mom and I were heading out yesterday, I noticed the bottom piece of one of my great-aunt's walkers sticking out of the ground. Lady been gone for 8.5 years now. (Crazy how time flies.) Why that day would yhis thing pop out from its place in the earth after all this time?? Saw it as a message for me to be brave, gon' and get this thang off my chest. So glad I did. It was a relief. Especially with the way she processed it and treated me about it.
God is good. **
Back to what I was saying initially. Ultimately, in dealing with SJ, I didn't care. I had no care: for him, for what I was doing; all in all, no care for myself. That's what it boils down to - no care for myself. He was my reflection in the mirror on that. Everything about him reflected how I did not care for myself. How I do not (active voice/currently) care about myself. How I value myself through my place in others' lives before I value my place in my own. friggin'. life.
He was the mirror. When I looked in his eyes, I didn't look to see his soul or even what he thought of me. I didn't care. It didn't matter. It didn't matter that I could see the lies and deceit reflecting back at me. The sneaking, the lack of respect, the selfishness. All of that was reflecting back at me. And I didn't care. It didn't matter. He didn't matter. Most importantly, *I* didn't matter. I didn't even matter to him! All of that was reflected back to me because I. did. not. matter. to. MYSELF.
Whew, I just got exhausted writing that. But it had to be said. Hurts to write, hurts to read, hurts to know. But it's my reality right now. It is what it is.
I have to change it.
It's crazy that I'm 41, still learning so much about myself. I feel like I've learned more about myself in the past 2 years than I ever have. If not for the pandemic, I probably never would have even wondered. There's so much (ok, not that much, but definitely some) dysfunction within me that I've just lived with all this time. It's unbelievable I've been able to live and build a life in the midst of it. This has been a reality I've avoided dealing with for a long time. I now accept the need to fully address it in order to live the full life I'm supposed to live.
There's work still yet to do which I know because I am still wanting to be in contact with the man. And that's insane. He didn't care about me - I made it clear to him that didn't need or even want him to. He didn't respect me. No love around, whatsoever. So why would I want to be in contact with him?
It came to me this evening that if I could hear from him and hear that I've influenced him to change/want better for himself/be a better person, that would make me feel better about my role in all of this. About my outcome, even. And that shouldn't be needed. There should be no need to have those feelings. This all has nothing to do with him. At all. It's me. I should be my focus. I should be thinking about me, my heart, my soul, my future. And that's it. I need to be focused on refining myself, how I think about me, how I treat myself, learning to care for myself.
My current situation is not good. It's bad. But it is what it is. I understand it's likely the pathway to me learning to genuinely love myself. This is probably the gateway to caring for me. After caring for everyone else - for creating an identity in caring for others and "sacrificing" myself to do so.
This time, I had to have "sacrificed" myself for me. I have to believe that. This has to be it. I can't make it about anyone else or I won't make the progress I need to.
No fairytales. Anita is a sage.