"If I could turn back time... If I could find a way..."
Sunday, Oct. 02, 2022 - 8:46 p.m.
It happened to me. Had a feeling it would. Signs were clear but I ignored 'em. Just grateful it's not the worst outcome. But still.
I ain't even mad at him. I reserve all responsibility for myself. Yes, he was a party but he didn't have to be. I chose to deal with him so I have to deal with the consequence of that decision.
It is what it is.
Started telling myself that I love me about a month ago. Not consistent with it yet and still have a ways to go in believing it. But the start is coming in handy. For real. I'm not beating myself over the head with this situation just yet (to be fair, that may come with time). For now, I understand why I'm here. Don't like being here one bit - hate this is my reality - but yeah.
Yeah.
I've had a few thoughts about what this means for my future. Any dreams of a partner and kids. I do feel sad when I realize those dreams..... For so long, I've felt like they won't come true. I know they still can though, maybe just in different ways. Not giving up on the possibility they will come to fruition. But this situation will have some impact on them for sure.
What I regret the most is the chances God gave me to avoid all this. He tried, he really did. (Want to chuckle at the irony of how grand and how many times but it's just too sad to be funny.) Red flags everywhere. I just had to do what I wanted to do. So, again, I have to accept the consequences of my decisions. Period.
Anywhoo, Life is good. My mom's last radiation treatment is tomorrow. It's hard to believe!! Her treatment journey is just about over. Feels like it just started but also, like we've been at this for years. Time is all upside down. But I'm grateful for all the time I have with her. She is truly blessed, we are truly blessed.
2022 has really shown out in a tough way. But I'm getting through it. No other choice.