"You make me beg for forgiveness. I just can't stay in your presence without making bad decisions."
Friday, Aug. 12, 2022 - 8:18 p.m.
To me, it's ironic that earlier this year, I was visiting an fertility specialist to get information on the process to get my eggs fertilized. Why? No sexual partner to speak of or on the horizon.
To go from that to having to take a Plan B. Oh, the irony.
The fact that because of that irony, I contemplated *not* taking the Plan B. The app says chances are low. Haven't had any pregnancies in life to date; there have been very very few times where insemination was a factor. This last time, it definitely was. I actually gave it a couple thoughts.
However, the way it happened tells me SJ has absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain should a pregnancy occur. May even have been an attempt because why not? Wouldn't have nothing to offer financially in terms of raising a child. Struggling with affection and other issues in terms of being able to show a child. I'd be on my own with him able to stick around if he chose to. Nah. Haven't seen anything to be interested in that arrangement to date.
So of course, I took the Plan B. Look, why hasn't it been advertised that it's now behind the cashier vs at the pharmacy?? That was a slightly embarassing encounter being that the guy at the pharmacy slightly hinted at being curious of the story. 🤦🏾♀️. I don't even want to get into having to sneak and go get the dang thing rather than explain to my mama why I had to go to the pharmacy. I ain't even mention how the Walgreens is right around the corner but got there and the pharmacy was *closed* at 7:30pm for some unknown random reason. So I then had to go out of the way to a CVS. Chyle.
And went back for even more. *sigh*
At one point, I was wondering if this dude had been drugging me. Like, something had to be up for his touch to cause the reactions that come from my body. This last visit, I was able to confirm it's just the magic in his touch. No additives, no preservatives, no fillers.
It's very unnerving. If there was an explanation, I'd feel more at ease. But as it is, I just can't make sense of the reactions he generates. It's like I never met this version of my vagina. I don't know this girl!
It's an unfortunate situation. We are two broken people. Dare I say, very broken people. I am for sure taking from the situation what I need. Feels like I am walking through the produce aisle, picking up what I need to whip up a recipe real quick. Maybe it's my vegan phase, even, so it's not gonna last long. I'm gonna eat the meal then go back to my regular diet full of meat. It's sad that I hope he is treating this the same way.
There is no future in this...entanglement (lol). It's more of a day-to-day thing. Like, tomorrow could be the day we cease communication and the whole thing just goes away. That's how I see it, anyway. I have no reason to think he sees it otherwise. In the beginning, one thing he told me is once he is done with something, he moves on without looking back. And I continue to be in a situation of not wanting to hold on to anything. So if either of us woke up tomorrow and decided we don't want to participate anymore, this "lingering around" each other dissipates.
*written today, 8/12/22*
And I'm ok with that.
Which again confirms that I do not care. And I don't feel bad about not caring....which makes me feel bad. I should care. I should not be having sex in a situation where I don't care. Of course, I care about him as a human being. But I don't care about the situation and the extent to which I care about him is as far as he will allow someone to care. Frankly, that's not much.
What's wild is this really got me through my mom's chemo. Like, the whole experience. I was thinking today about what really carried me: walking and the distraction of SJ. SMH.
I was listening to gospel music earlier, thinking I *should have* been using this time to lean on God. Which I did. I wasn't prostrate on the floor in prayer every available moment, which my conscience tells me is what I should have been doing. But God knows my heart. I've communicated with him this entire time and he has spoken to me throughout as well. I feel like my relationship with God is just as strong in the midst of it all. It has been God that has kept my mind. Indeed indeed.
I just can't get over the way Life happens. Randomly out to get some food and end up with a sexual partner that blows my whole mind. It feels like something that was supposed to happen but really?? For real? Like this? It does not feel like a "blessed" happenstance but nothing happens by mistake....
Chyle, I don't know.
If 2022 has taught me ANYTHING, it's that I DO NOT KNOW ANYTHING.
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