Saturday, Sept. 03, 2022 - 5:42 p.m.

*written Thursday, 09/01/2022*
The day is already quieter. Wow.

Was surprised that SJ reached out last night to confirm my stance. That was new. Maybe it's a relief for him. Who knows. I hope it is.

Was considering sending a Red Lobster gift card and a thank you card in the mail. He'd joked about Red Lobster after one of my compliments. 😏 Had to go by the pharmacy for my mom so I perused the greeting cards aisle but the offerings were terrible. SMH So I left without getting anything.

On a whim after leaving the pharmacy, decided to pick up food from an out of the way restaurant. It's down the street from his house, which I didn't even think about until I was about to get my food at the window. Funny how the mind doesn't work sometimes. Actually, I did think about him at some point in the commute in that direction but after realizing he was likely at work, I forgot about him until that point at the window. Anywhoo, I laughed when I did realize because I could've dropped the card off had I'd purchased. Decided at that moment not to go through with the idea.

This is a nice clean cut. No need to extend any threads, like my mind wants to do. It's a way to keep the door open, ultimately. That's not what I want to do. Or need to do, even.

Life is what you make it. Dah well.

*written Saturday, 09/03/2022*
Got the card and gift card. Will be sending.

I'd rather send a text letting him know that I actually miss his daily presence. Will just write that in the card instead.

In realizing how abrupt this ending feels, told God I probably needed to hold a baby to make myself feel better. To avoid the feeling of loss, I probably needed to hold a tiny baby and get those feels. It's been ages since I've held a baby. Almost a year. Holding a baby just does something. It's like their tiny bodies trigger something in adult bodies that.... It just feels so comforting. Felt like I needed some comfort and for whatever reason, holding a baby was what my mind conjured up. In place of sex, of course.

Anywhoo.

Told God that and this morning, my goddaughter's mother called. I'd woken up for the second time today about 30mins prior. The first time I woke up for the day was in the dawn hours, around 6:30am. I milled about doing a couple things then lay back in the bed. Sometimes if I'm up that early, I get my prayers in. So I prayed a bit, even prayed for SJ. Believe I fell back asleep praying for him. My goddaughter's mom called after I woke back up around 10am.

She was calling to see if I could exchange the diapers I'd gifted her for her baby boy. It's crazy how I forget this lady has a baby. I haven't been around with my mom's situation. The baby was born just before that. So I did forget about that tiny human. Knew I would be in the area of the store so I said I'd go exchange them. That meant picking them up. My brain still did not connect the thought I'd passed to God to hold a baby less than 24 hours before.

Went by the house and she wasn't home but her aunt was. So I had to go inside to get the diapers. Still wasn't thinking about the tiny human. Briefly spoke with her aunt while grabbing the diapers and was headed out the door. Her aunt said, "Don't you want to see [tiny human]?" Stopped me in my tracks. I realized right then, "Wait, this is what I needed!" Went over to see him and she said, "Let's take him outside to see your mom", who was waiting in the car.

I picked that tiny human up and, whew, all was right with the world. My day immediately brightened, my heart felt lighter, my hormones calmed down. That tiny human was just what I needed in that exact moment. I held him to my chest and he melted. Her aunt went on and on and I was just completely caught up in tiny human. I was literally absorbing everything he was giving me. Man, I needed that.

I kept thinking how I just mentioned it randomly to God and he brought it straight to pass. I haven't held that tiny human in his time on Earth. Today was the very first time. ❤️

I still miss SJ though. Not communicating with him feels weird. Out of place. How in such a short time? It was only 4 months. Guess I hadn't had that in so long, I got so comfortable in it. So now it feels like something very natural is missing.

And that's ok. It has to be ok because the situation will and should not change. I'll just go through these feelings and emotions until I get to the other side of them. Then I'll feel better, back to normal, back calibrated and able to move forward without feeling this current gap.

Life is busy teaching lessons everyday.

I'm learning.

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